


Caffeine Addict

by Eightpoundsofhair



Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: Alternate Universe- Human, Alternate Universe- cafe, Angst, Depression, F/F, Marijuana, Past jaspis, Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-03-19
Updated: 2019-02-15
Packaged: 2019-04-04 21:26:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 12
Words: 52,183
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14029086
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Eightpoundsofhair/pseuds/Eightpoundsofhair
Summary: Lapis's life had fallen into nothingness. She feels numb and her lack luster job at a small cafe seems to exploit that. A forced friendship with her cafes only regular client only makes matters worse.





	1. Chapter 1

Lapis's life had seemed to fade into static. A dreary emptiness of day to day where nothing happened. The frantic anxieties of her life prior had simmered down into a perhaps even more frustrating nothingness. She wanted to enjoy the calm, the storm had passed and she could finally enjoy her life, but she was left feeling nothing except frustration at what she couldn’t feel.

The teeny tiny cafe she had started reluctantly working at after she dropped out of school was located perfectly in the middle of nowhere against a “lake”, or more accurately an over glorified puddle, that no one had heard of in the empty space between tourist towns. Summers were slow, only the few children who couldn’t make it any longer without a snack and their frazzled parents dodling in, and the winter was even slower. Lapis was amazed that the small couple who ran the place could keep it open through the season, let alone pay her the generous amount they did for a job she should be receiving minimum wage for, as on most days only one or two people would find their way inside to order coffee before quickly darting out, leaving Lapis alone to her thoughts again. But she had learned by now that her boss’ didn’t need to run the cafe so much as they liked to run it. 

On more than once occasion had the shorter, curly haired one, Ruby, joked that it was an excuse for the two to spend more time together and Lapis didn’t doubt it. The couple seemed to cling to each other at every moment of the day. Lapis often had to resist the urge to take her own eyes out when only the three of them were in the tiny building, the couples flirting filling the small space and overpowering Lapis’s brain. The romance that was made so blatantly obvious often ended up filling her with the uncomfortable memories of relationships past in a way that made her sick to her stomach. Lapis recalled deciding after three weeks of working there she much preferred the days when she had to run the place herself, not being able to find anything to busy herself with. At least then she could shake the nightmares of her past away when they popped up. 

Lapis was snapped from her current unpleasant day dream by the soft jingling of the bronze bell that hung above the door. She tried to present herself correctly, straighten her back, attempt to smile, and pull out her retail voice as a short woman with crazy blond hair stumbled inside. 

The woman walked up to the counter shivering in her large green winter jacket and shaking snow from her hair. She cleared her voice and ordered a black coffee upon reaching Lapis. She had puffy cheeks that were rosy from the cold and thick rimmed glasses sitting over her green eyes. She handed Lapis a five before stumbling over to one of the tiny wooden tables that littered the space and pulled a large textbook out of her backpack. Lapis quickly shuffled to finish her drink before stumbling over and placing it next to her. She raised and eyebrow and tried to peer at what she had been reading, but the long words meant nothing to her and she quickly lost interest. Lapis walked back over to her spot behind the counter and stared over at the girl. She was unused to the presence of someone new, and she found herself staring more than she would have liked to. The whole vibe of the cafe seemed to shift due to the unfamiliarity that came from someone staying at the shop for longer than it took her to make their coffee. She wasn't sure that she liked the new energy, but quickly shrugged it off, watching the clock as she waited for her break. 

Yet she found herself repeatedly fixating herself on the woman, as she stayed for almost two hours, studying and murdering under her breath as she downed three black coffees. Lapis along with her boss’ were perplexed. 

The tiny girl brought a brief feeling of liveliness to the usually dead space. Her eyes darted back and forth quickly, and her hands shuffled through a notebook full of notes. 

After she had left Lapis felt the dead sense of nothingness overcome her once more. 

**

The blond’s presence became a constant throughout the month and Lapis’s boss’ were thrilled. ‘A regular!’ Ruby had shouted in excitement after the tiny women had left after her third day in a row of arriving. 

Through small talk that came from working retail and listening in on her boss’ excited questions for the girl Lapis had learned a few things about her. She was here for a quiet place to study and had a habit of picking at her fingers. Lapis had also learned her name. 

That Saturday she had arrived once again, and instead of quickly shuffling off to a table like she usually did she waited behind the counter while Lapis made her her black coffee. As Lapis handed her the mug her eyes darted down and she pointed at Lapis’s name tag with one hand.

“Like the rock?” She asked, taking a sip from the cup.

Lapis nodded, and reluctantly shook the smaller girl’s hand which was outstretched.

“I’m Peridot. Like the rock,” she smiled, and Lapis offered a friendly smile back despite her lack of interest in the meaningless conversation. The short girl quickly stumbled away afterwards and Lapis alternated between watching her study and staring blankly out over the lake. A dreary fog had covered the area around the cafe, and that along with the snow that had been falling for the last week made the world a jumble of greys. 

Lapis almost didn’t notice when the short blond left, the jingle of the bell just barley registering in her brain as she watched the fog float around the lake.

**

Over time Lapis began to learn more and more about this Peridot character. She was a student at a college located about 15 minutes away, that much she could have guessed, and she was studying bioengineering. When asked about the topic she had a habit of rambling endlessly, her eyes lighting up with a fiery passion and an infinite speech about the wonders of the science, and Lapis along with her bosses had made the mistake of getting her started on it a few too many times for Lapis’s liking. She always felt a bubble of frustration well in her as the girl spoke on the topic, angry that nothing made her feel that way. Frustrated that she felt nothing but emptiness and longing for what she didn’t feel. She tried to listen to her talk, put on a fake smile and engage the girl in friendly conversation, maybe live vicariously through her energy filled words for a few minutes, but the frustration mixed with confusion over the lengthy words and complicated processes only managing to jumble her brain and leave her giving the girl blank looks. 

It probably wasn’t good for business to react that way to a customer but Peridot always came back the next day like clock work. It also helped Lapis’s mind that she would usually stumble her way into silence after that, her chubby cheeks turning pink as she hurriedly bruised herself with her textbook once more.

**

After a month the girl’s presence had stopped adding life to Lapis’s world. Her monologues about biological whatever stopped giving Lapis even the pang of jealousy previously felt or a desire to have a passion like she did. 

Peridot had become simply another part of Lapis's day to day life. A static entity here to complement Lapis’s static existence. 

Lapis’s eyes stopped drifting to stare at the undoubtable energy she brought with her and her mind stopped caring to engage in conversation. Everyday a black coffee or two was made and everyday a heavy textbook was plopped onto a tiny table. 

Her bosses encouraged her to talk to their girl, she was their only regular and she stayed for longer than three minutes every day. She should attempt to make friends with her or at least encourage her to keep coming. However, whenever Lapis found herself nodding that she would engage her in conversation she found her legs still and she would stay behind her counter, picking at her finger nails or counting the coffee beans she had spilt on the floor that day. 

Her bosses noticed her lack of interest and a bribe of an extra break that day and ten under the table dollars was enough to finally get her to sit down next to the girl. 

She smiled softly and waved at Lapis as she sat and Lapis forced a smile back. 

“What are you reading about today?” She asked, waiting for the onslaught of information to be slammed at her. She found herself having to try a little harder to smile as the girl’s eyes lit up and Lapis took a deep breath to prepare herself.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am very unsure about continuing this. I'm not 100% sure where to take it and also I am horrified of inaccurately portraying depression or even worse accidentally writing a "romance makes depression go away" fic. So if you have any advice on how to write that let me know? Also if you want me to write more let me know too. It's been sitting in my notes for a while and I just wanted to post something.   
> Anyway, thanks for reading! Please let me know how you're feeling about this!


	2. Chapter 2

The next week was at the very least interesting. Lapis’s new “friend” was overly excitable and ecstatic to have someone to talk to and Lapis had to force herself to smile and nod, glancing at her bosses now and then to show her willingness to talk and hope for a raise. The temptation to leave Peridot alone to study once more was often strong but so was Ruby’s anger and Lapis had begun to feel bad for the poor girl, who had bashfully admitted after a few days that she didn’t have many friends. Lapis bit back a snarky “I wonder why” when Peridot first admitted it. 

Not that Lapis hadn’t tried to like her, because she truly had. She wanted to like the girl if she was being forced to befriend her. But her excitement was annoying. She talked herself in circles due to her passion and got upset when Lapis didn’t understand. She was full of herself, or rather of her smartness and talked on end about her academic achievements. She boasted as if Lapis was becoming friends with Einstein instead of a tiny blonde with clothes that were too big for her. She was also just too happy. Her freckled face was often lit up with excitement, her eyebrows raised and a large smile adorned on her face. Lapis couldn’t stop her envy at the passion Peridot had for her schooling and her future job. Her moods were all over the place in general Lapis had begun to learn, which was possibly more frustrating than the happiness, and Lapis could hardly resist rolling her eyes at her. She had thrown a temper tantrum on one occasion, upset about a less than ideal partner she had for a class project and by the end had almost worked her way to tears. There was no way someone could be as animated as her.

Lapis’s long awaited day off was a much needed blessing, and she came home on Saturday feeling an ever so rare feeling of excitement bubbling in her chest. Maybe it was the chance of freedom from her too happy friend. Or maybe it was the knowledge that her roommate had offered to smoke with her when she got home for celebration of a shared day off tomorrow. Lapis decided not to dwell on it for fear of losing the feeling. 

Upon her arrival home she threw off her shoes and wandered into her room. She was tempted to lay in her bed, looking all the more comfortable after her long day of work, but forced herself to change into sweat pants and an oversized t shirt before heading into her roommates room. 

On her entry she was met with the familiar smell of booze and the unruly sight of her roommates cluttered bedroom. She was a terribly messy person, and Lapis always had to walk over countless articles of clothing and small nick-nacks when trying to cross the small room. Her roommate had covered the walls in purple bed sheets due to the fact that the girls weren’t allowed to paint the walls of their apartment. The loose fabric taped haphazardly as close to the ceiling as possibly floated light and swung in any hint of a breeze. 

Lapis’s roommate was lounging in her bed, adorned with matching purple sheets, her lavender hair pulled into a loose bun atop her head. She had deep brown skin and a raspy voice. She had a nose that flared out and think eyebrows that she used wildly in her expressions. Her name was Amethyst and Lapis and her had been friends since they were both still in school. They met in a history lecture and they fell asleep next to each other. They thought it was a funny little coincidence and they decided to go for coffee after class.

They had grown close as friends form unfortunate circumstances, yet Lapis felt a tab bit of comfort knowing that Amethyst had been with her through her worse. She had been there when Lapis was dropping out of school and cutting off all her hair because she had finally broken off from the toxic people in her life and was panicking. And Lapis had been there when Amethyst decided school wasn’t worth the debt anymore and she dropped out only to find herself without a job or a place to stay. Their friendship was forced to quickly grow as they began to trust and depend on one another. Amethyst was the first real safe spot in Lapis's life and she was endlessly grateful for her and all that she had helped Lapis through.

It also helped that Amethyst constantly had a fresh stream of weed she was willing to share. 

Amethyst patted the spot next to her on her small bed upon looking up from her phone and spotting Lapis. Lapis quickly cooperated and hoped down next to her, bouncing slightly as she did so. She quickly kicked off her shoes into the covered floor and crossed her legs.

Amethyst smirked up at her as she reached down into her dresser to grab a bong, “You sure are energetic today,”

Lapis let a puff of air out of her nose and turned her eyes to look up at the ceiling, “I’m finally free from chemistry girl,” she mockingly cheered, raising a tan hand up above her head to pump her fist. 

“I thought you said she was an engineer?” Her roommate laughed in response, her eyes twinkling with her smile. 

Lapis loosely smiled back and opened her mouth, beginning to pick off her already chipping black nail polish. 

Her roommate cut her off before she could talk, “Is that a smile?” She gawked jumping up from her slouching position and placing a hand over her mouth in a gasp. Her voice was raised unusually high to emphasize her teasing, “You don’t have to act around me. Unless you like her,” Amethyst dragged out her final sentence as she giggled, raising her pitch and pointing at Lapis like they were in elementary school.

Lapis shoved her away and shook her head, yet found herself able to smile back, “As if. She’s insane. There’s no way someone can be that energetic and happy about school. It’s like she’s plotting something,” 

“So now she’s a mad scientist?” Amethyst chuckled, finally passing Lapis the long awaited glass bong. 

Lapis smiled again loosely, taking a hit before passing the object back, “Probably. Maybe that’s why she acts like she’s so tiny and helpless, so no one suspects her,”

Amethyst smiled at that, and laid down in the bed. When Lapis gave her an inquisitive look she spoke once more, “Rant. I want to hear you drag the shit out of her,”

**

Lapis had had a good night. The first in far too long. Amethyst was always entertaining but Lapis’s mind tended to not cooperate enough to let her truly have fun. She had finally let Lapis go however. And she had a good night. 

Lapis couldn’t stop stressing it in her mind. She was addicted to the mere idea. Good moments had been coming far and few between but a good night had begun to seem impossible. 

So that made it all the harder to go back to work after an uneventful day of thanking Amethyst for her company. 

She opened up the tiny shop alone, stepping into the chilly building from the freezing outside. She shook snow off her boots and reluctantly prepared for her day, putting up her black coat in the back and shaking out her hat hair after pulling off her beanie.

The mornings were easier at the cafe. An occasional person would pop in and out for their morning fix quickly and Peridot was still busy at school. The morning ‘buzz’ also kept her busy enough to keep her mind off the seemingly endless stresses of her life.

Yet everyday, the afternoon would follow the morning and in would stroll Peridot. Her jacket pulled tightly around her small body, a wide smile sitting firmly on her face upon seeing Lapis. Lapis forced a smile back and waved as Peridot approached the counter.

Seeing her again was Lapis’s greatest crash of the day. The crescendo of nothingness after the brief storm of emotions was at a peak as she watched the girl approach her. 

“Hi Lapis!” She exclaimed upon arriving at the marble counter. Her cheeks were puffy and red from the cold and her smile impossibly huge on her face.

“Good afternoon, Peridot,” she replied, turning quickly on her heels to hide her blank face as she started preparing Peridot’s ritualistic black coffee. She pretended to listen to a story Peridot was telling about some girl she had seen in her class by nodding for a few minutes before reluctantly following her to her usual table. 

Peridot pulled out one of her heavy textbooks and begun trying to explain her latest concept to Lapis as she flipped through it. She spoke passionately about the technical process but Lapis couldn’t even begin to wrap her brain around it and was tired of being spoken down to. She started down at the book's pages but could not find even a confusing chart or picture to busy herself with. She quickly glanced around and noticed her bosses were not in the front of the building. Lapis was ecstatic for the chance to finally give Peridot an unhappy look at the long and unnecessary explanation.

The effect was instantaneous, and Lapis initially felt a little bad at having reacted the way she did. Peridot’s cheeks turned bright red and she hastily apologized, before quieting. She hurried her face in her textbook once again and bit at her lip. 

As Lapis sat with the now silent Peridot she quickly stopped feeling bad. At least it was quiet now. 

Peridot left a little quicker that day. Only getting two cups of coffee. 

**

Although Lapis didn’t want to, she knew she had little choice in the matter and when Peridot stepped in the next day she hastily apologized. Or maybe she was just a little nervous her bosses would notice how Peridot didn’t greet Lapis as cheerily as she always had since they started talking. Regardless she made Peridot's drink as quickly as she could and prepared herself.

“I’m really very sorry,” she said, trying her best to sound sincere as she sat down with Peridot at her usual table, brining her black coffee with. She was met with a surprised face and a slight flush of chubby cheeks, “I was having a rough day and shouldn’t have taken it out on you,”

Peridot smiled at her and as she spoke her hazel eyes lit up, “It’s okay! I know I can be a bit overbearing sometimes," Lapis was at the very least slightly relieved at the good reaction. 

Lapis let Peridot try to explain her concepts fully that day. And she had tried her best to understand too. She wanted a raise. 

Peridot smiled up at her as she finally stood, making her leave after a few too many hours. Lapis smiled back, yet her face faltered as arms were wrapped around her torso. She gasped as she was embraced tightly by Peridot and she awkwardly returned the hug. As much as she wasn’t okay with touching she had already upset the poor girl enough. Peridot smelt strongly of lemon and coffee. 

Lapis really wanted a raise. 

Peridot pulled away and thanked Lapis for talking to her, before making her way out of the building with a smile cemented in her face.

Lapis watched Peridot go, pulling up her bright green coat further and hoping on to her matching green bike. Lapis followed her with her eyes as she drove up the road that went past the tiny lake that had finally decided to succumb to the cold, becoming covered in a thin sheet of ice.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry for the wait! School has been crushing my modivate in to write.  
> Anyway! Thank you so much for reading! Please leave me a comment letting me know how you felt about this! And have a nice day!


	3. Chapter 3

Lapis hated Tuesdays. After Monday she had felt like she had been making lattes and talking to chatty blondes for eons yet she woke up having to accept that she still had to wait until Sunday for a day off. Saturday’s didn’t count, she only got the mornings off then. Maybe she should ask for a full weekend off but she desperately needed the extra money.

She struggled to get out of bed, staring absent mindlessly at her ceiling and slamming the snooze button on her phones alarm too many times. Only when her “seriously if you don’t get up now you’ll be late” alarm went off she forced herself to peel herself from the intoxicating comfort and warmth of her bed. She wished she had the energy to weep for their parting of ways as she hurriedly dressed and attempted to calm her wild curls. She stared blankly at her reflection in the bathroom mirror, struggling to convince herself to not fall back into bed. She took a deep breath and reluctantly forced herself out of the tiny bathroom. She tossed on her winter jacket and boots as she stepped out the door.

As her beat up second hand car pulled into the near empty, tiny parking lot she realized that she was late and her bosses were already there. She groaned, and had to resist driving home and calling in sick but she caught eyes with Sapphire through the window. She smiled sweetly at her and Lapis attempted to do so back, yet knew her face would be less than convincing.

“Sorry I’m late,” she mumbled as she put up her coat in the back as she did every day, waving back at Ruby as she did so.

“It’s okay, no ones here yet,” Ruby smiled at Lapis, following her with her deep brown eyes as she walked.

Lapis hummed in acknowledgment and dragged her feet as she walked behind her counter.

She mindlessly played with a single coffee bean that had fallen out of the container there were kept in upon her arrival. She pushed it in tiny circles and tried with all her might to block out the flirting she hear coming from her bosses in the back room.

A solid one person came in before Peridot that day and Lapis thought she would loose her mind. Her day was full of endless nothingness and the unavoidable sound of her bosses giggling as they teased and kissed each other. She couldn’t even enjoy her break, as the back room was a sentence to watching them be mushy which was far worse than having to hear it. By the time Peridot wandered in Lapis had succeeded in blocking out most of the world.

She started making Peridot’s coffee before she could even reach the counter, the actions muscle memory and Peridot’s order the same every day. She tried to finally focus herself in opposed to spacing and thinking of all the things she wouldn’t be doing but could be it she was home instead as she had been for most of the day.

She finished Peridot’s coffee and wandered over, still not completely in the moment. When Peridot quickly stood up as Lapis approached the table her reaction time was not quite there and she ended up ramming into her, spilling coffee all over Peridot’s chest and dropping the mug to the ground. She resisted the urge to groan as she snapped out of her daze.

“I’m so sorry,” she hastily apologized, rushing to grab a towel and a broom. She damped the towel before rushing over to the bewildered blonde, forcing out another attempt at a genuine apology.

She reluctantly patted at Peridot’s now stained white button up shirt with her towel, trying her best to remove the coffee as best she could. Peridot let out a small, high-pitched noise of surprise at the touch, and Lapis’s eyes lifted. She noticed Peridot’s cheeks turning a bright red; upon her discovery she flicked her gaze back down to where she patted at Peridot’s shirt. She resisted the urge to scream at the way the events were going.

After a few agonizingly long moments Peridot stepped back, and took the rag from Lapis’s hand, cold fingers sweeping over her own.

“I’ve got it,” she mumbled, turning away as her blush deepened.

Lapis sighed a deep breath on impulse and turned to work on picking up the glass instead. After quickly sweeping up the glass and mopping up the splatters of coffee that had fallen to the floor opposed to landing on Peridot’s chest she returned to the counter and remade the cup of coffee. Silently cursing the way Peridot suddenly went silent after chatting nonstop since she arrived and the heated blush that hadn’t yet left her face.

As Lapis approached her table she prayed to every god she could remember from her freshman cultures class that Peridot wouldn’t overthink their accidental and unthinking touches.

Upon her return she apologized again, and her eyes briefly darted to the muddy brown stain that now decorated her button up in an attempt to ignore her chubby red cheeks.

Peridot let out an awkward chuckle and rubbed at her cheeks, “It’s okay,” her voice was squeaky and quiet.

As Lapis sat she had to resist the urge to go into the back and scream into her jacket.

**

For all Lapis had wished Peridot would just be quiet for a day she deeply hated it when it happened. After their unfortunate interaction she was near silent. For once her endless speeches about cells and gmos and complicated processes faded into a tension filled silence. Peridot’s blush eventually faded but it was obvious she was still thinking about what happened. Her pages flipped less quickly and her notes weren’t written in the carefully crafted letters she usually used. Instead they were scribbles that were hardly legible and her eyes kept wandering over the full pages without focusing.

Lapis hated this far more than when she talked. She had no way of knowing what the flustered Peridot was thinking. Was she offended that Lapis had touched her without permission? Was she upset about her shirt? Or worst of all, and unfortunately most plausible in Lapis’s mind, was she flustered by Lapis’s close contact with her chest and the brushing of their hands?

Lapis wished to tell her it didn’t mean anything. Wished to tell her that she couldn’t stand her and was just doing her job when she had touched her. That _she_ had been the one who bumped their hands together. That Lapis hated physical contact and wanted more than anything to never see Peridot again.

But she found herself feeding off of the awkward and uncomfortable energy emitting from Peridot and couldn’t seem to speak.

Peridot didn’t even order a second cup that day. Mumbling a goodbye, flushing when their eyes met for the first time since she came in, and darting our as quickly as the disaster had happened.

Lapis finally went into he back and groaned into her jacket. Ignoring the odd looks and questions she got from her bosses.

**

Lapis spent Wednesday going over the events of the day prior. She had the shop entirely to herself almost all day and everything from the mop to the table Peridot sat at reminded her of what had occurred the day prior.

She dreaded seeing Peridot that day more than she had ever before. The anticipation of another blush or brush of hands made her want to close early even if her bosses would be angry.

Amethyst had teased her about the situation when she had talked about it to her day upon her arrival home.

“Lapis, her blushing cause you fondled her is reasonable. Her liking you is a bit of a stretch. You sure you’re not projecting?” She had said, a wide, teasing smile on her face. Her yellowed teeth and chapped lips mocking her.

Lapis had thrown a pillow at her and asked for actual help. What was she supposed to do if Peridot did have feelings for her? Amethyst had nothing helpful to say, only stating that she might get laid out of the experience before exiting. Lapis yelled at her as she walked away that that was the last thing she wanted to think about.

She tried to shake the memory away, gazing out of the window as she often did when no one was around to entertain her, and watched as heavy raindrops begin to fall, splashing into their lake and splattering on the windows. She huffed at the weather, knowing it would freeze over the course of the night and her ride here the next day would be full of people going incredibly slowly over the ice. The sky was a deep grey, heavy clouds blocking any sun and the rain began to fall a bit faster.

She almost didn’t notice when the bell above the door jingled.

In stumbled Peridot, hair sopping wet and shivering. Lapis turned to start her coffee before they could even meet at the eyes.

“That came out of nowhere,” she laughed, and Lapis could hear her sitting down.

Lapis was relived that Peridot seemed to be back to herself that day upon sitting down. She smiled widely up at Lapis as she arrived with her coffee and while her chubby cheeks had a pinch of pinkness she had just come in from the cold.

She was as chatty as ever too, Lapis quickly discovered. Peridot had a long winded speech about RNA today and Lapis’s brain went swimming in circles. She tried to at least be thankful that things weren’t as miserable as when Peridot hadn’t talked.

Lapis nodded along, trying her best to act like she was listening and she briefly glanced outside. By then the sky had turned a deep black, and the rain had picked up dramatically. Large gusts of rain blew heavy drops of water into the side of the building and Lapis raised her eyebrows as she watched Peridot’s bike struggle to stay standing where it was tied to a pole.

Peridot followed her eyes and let out a sigh.

“Guess I’m stuck here for a while,” she mumbled, sounding oddly defeated.

A large clap of thunder hit, and Peridot jumped. Lightning flashed, briefly lighting up the dark world outside.

“Are you okay?” Lapis asked softly.

“I, um,” Peridot stuttered and her cheeks turned a soft pink, “I don’t like thunderstorms,”

“Oh,” Lapis mumbled.

The rain never let up. Peridot ended up staying for the entirety of the day, working herself up to a panic as closing arrived. She rambled on and on about it not stoping and she couldn’t bike home in the thunderstorm. She would get hit by lightening and Lapis, as much as she hated the idea, began to feel sorry for the poor girl who had the beginning of tears welling in her eyes by the time the shop was supposed to close.

When an alarm on Lapis’s phone reminding her that she could finally go  
home and needed to close for the day went off Peridot actually did burst into tears. She sobbed into her hands and Lapis was left aghast. She turned off her alarm and quickly rushed over to the sobbing girl, flinching when her tears came on worse as another loud clap of thunder hit.

She grabbed her arm and tried to comfortingly rub it, assuring her that she was okay.

Peridot apologized quickly, and turned away to rub at her eyes. Her voice was broken when she spoke and Lapis was shocked to find herself not annoyed but feeling badly for the girl.

Lapis didn’t know what to do. As she tried again to comfort Peridot she fell into Lapis’s arms, sobbing heavily into her chest. Lapis had to resist the urge to push her away, assuring herself that Peridot didn’t mean harm. She was clearly incredibly upset about the situation and needed comfort.

She forced her shaky arms to wrap around the girl. She awkwardly patted a hand on her heaving back, cringing herself when the girl physically jumped when another clap of thunder hit.

After a few moments that felt excruciatingly long, Peridot’s warm, shaky body pulled away. She quickly turned away from Lapis and curled in on herself, apologizing profusely.

“I’m just being stupid,” she muttered, her voice loud and forced, “you can go home. I’ll be okay,”

Lapis took a step towards her, mouth open but she could not find the words to say. She’d had crying customers before, mainly children but a few heartbroken teens and unstable adults had crossed her path at her various jobs, but never before had it been like this. Never before had she felt bad, usually she wanted nothing more than to throttle the individuals and force them to leave. Never before had she had to deal with one during closing either. And never before out of what Lapis guessed was anxiety.

Lapis could see Peridot rubbing at her eyes from where she stood facing away from her, and she watched as she took a shaky deep breath.

“Really, go. It’s not that bad,”

“Peridot,”

“I’m fine,”

Lapis’s eyes shifted, from Peridot’s meek stance to the storm that raged outside. Wind blew tree branches around and heavy downpour that tatted against the windows. Another burst of thunder hit, and lighting lit the sky at nearly the same time.

Lapis sighed, and rubbed at her brow. As much as she disliked the girl she couldn’t leave her this upset to bike home in such unsafe conditions. While it was tempting, she couldn’t let her kill herself in a storm. Especially considering how visibly upset she was.

“I can give you a ride,” she force out. The words sounded rushed as she pushed them out quickly before she could change her mind and take Peridot up on her suggestion.

Peridot turned around, heavy tears rolling down her cheeks and her eyes puffy and red. She shook her head and rubbed at her eyes, taking a deep breath before speaking.

“You don’t have to do that,” she said, eyes darting down to the floor, breaking eye contact as she spoke, “I don’t want to impose,”

Lapis sighed, and took a step closer to her, “It’s not safe. And it really won’t be a problem for me,”

Peridot gripped her pale arm tightly, “You sure?”

Lapis forced herself to nod, and turned to get her coat and keys from the back.

“I’ll be right back,”

She kicked a bucket as she entered the back room, hating this week. She made a mental note to tell her bosses about todays event. If she didn’t get a raise out of this she probably never would.

When she returned, without her apron and with her heavy coat, Peridot was collecting her things. She had stopped crying but was still sniffling, and as a clap of thunder hit she flinched, briefly pausing in returning her large textbook to her bag.

“You ready?” Lapis asked, forcing her voice to be soft to not portray her frustration at the current situation.

Peridot nodded weakly, “Thank you so much,” she mumbled, before following Lapis as she stepped out of the building into the storm. She pulled at her hood which tried to fall off in the heavy wind as she locked the building and unlocked her car. After helping Peridot struggle to get her bike off of the pole they both carried it to Lapis’s car, shoving it into the trunk as best they could.

When Lapis rushed to the drivers seat Peridot followed. She hopped into the passenger seat and tried to shake off her now soaking wet hair.

As Peridot sat down she rubbed at her eyes again. Wiping the remnants of tears from her green eyes.

“Thank you,” Peridot said again as Lapis sat and Lapis nodded, pulling out of her parking spot and getting onto the road.

Peridot directed her through the empty area around the cafe onto a two lane highway that lead into the small town around the cafe that Lapis did not live in. After driving in awkward silence for a few minutes they approached a problem.

They hit traffic. A complete stop to be exact, where cars lined up for as far as Lapis could see.

“Is this normal?” She asked Peridot, desiring the urge to face palm onto the wheel, she just wanted to get home and not see Peridot again for as long as possible.

Peridot shook her head, “I don’t know what’s going on,” Lapis noticed with a little comfort that her voice no longer held the threat of tears, “It’s not usually busy at all,”

Lapis nodded unhappily and pulled her car into park.

After about thirty minutes of attempting to keep Peridot calm with meaningless conversations they still hadn’t moved except for when a car in front of them would pull away and turn around.

Lapis sighed as their conversation about Lapis’s job stories faded and turned to look at Peridot.

“Is there another way?” She asked defeatedly.

Peridot fumbled awkwardly, before speaking, “Yes but you have to go all the way around the town and it takes forever,” she admitted nervously, “I could stay in a hotel in your town or something,”

Lapis hummed in an attempt to stifle a frustrated groan, and as much as she hated the idea of what her mind was suggesting to her she shook her head, announcing a proposition that made her want to scream.

“You can just stay with me for the night,”

Peridot reacted immediately, putting her hands up and shaking her head, “Oh that’s really alright. You’ve already been too kind I don’t want to ask so much of you,” Lapis noticed with a tang of annoyance that Peridot’s cheeks had turned bright red.

She pulled the car into drive and slowly pulled herself out of the line of traffic to turn around.

“It’s okay,” she said forcing herself to leave the annoyance out of her tone, “The hotels are ridiculously expensive this time of the year because everyone’s here to ski. They probably don’t even have any rooms left,”

Peridot stuttered as she took what Lapis said, “I’ll pay you, I-“

“It’s okay dude, don’t worry about it,”

Lapis started on her ride home with Peridot rambling on about how to repay her. As she drove, regretting her decisions, she found herself only able to wish that Peridot didn’t talk in her sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really enjoyed this chapter and I hope you do too! I love Peridot and it's been very strange to not write from her but I'll finally be able to flesh her out more so that's exciting.  
> Also! Just so you know I'm planning on taking a bit of a break from this story for a few weeks. I have an idea for a one shot i want to do soon and tech week/my musical is in two weeks. I'm excited for the next chapter though so we'll see what happens.   
> Anyway, thank you for reading!! Please leave me a comment! I love them! And have a wonderful day!


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lapis and Peridot have an unwanted sleepover

Peridot was even more talkative when she was nervous. Lapis had learned that on the ride to her apartment. She had calmed down considerably since the two girls had left the cafe, her tears had disappeared and her sniffing diminished, yet she was still left with an observable nervous energy. She twiddled with her fingers, jumped at the occasional crash of thunder, and most frustratingly rambled endlessly. However, for once the focus of the conversation was on a topic Lapis understood: payment. Peridot rattled on for the whole ride about things she could do to pay Lapis back. And while Lapis had initially told her no, 'you don’t have to pay me', it was hard not to take money from someone so insisting and Peridot eventually agreed to pay for the gas and another 20 dollars for the night. Lapis felt a little bad taking her money but only briefly. After all, the price was small in comparison to the night Lapis was sure she had ahead of her.

When they arrived at the small apartment building Lapis lived in the girls rushed into the lobby, trying to hide from the downpour which had yet to calm. The space was dimly lit and the sound of rain was loud against the old windows. The red carpets and deep brown wooded floors of the room smelt damp, as if the walls and windows were not there at all. As Peridot followed Lapis up the squeaky old stairs, brushing water from her coat, Lapis paused, coming to a sudden horrific realization.

“I forgot to mention I have a roommate,” she said to Peridot, remembering for herself that she had Amethyst waiting inside. She felt the need to kick something as she recognized the mass amount of teasing she would be hearing from her when she discoverd it was Peridot who was with her.

“Okay!” Peridot responded with forced enthusiasm that Lapis recognized not to sound the same as her normal cheerful tone. Peridot stood awkwardly behind Lapis, who was fumbling with her keys. The heavy wooden door eventually swung open, and slammed heavily into the wall. Lapis kicked off her boots as she entered and continued in trying to wipe water from her coat before tossing that off too.

Peridot awkwardly followed Lapis inside, and mimicked her actions in stripping of her heavy green coat and shoes. She awkwardly placed the shoes by the door, bending down to neatly arrange them and held her coat awkwardly in her hands. Lapis assumed she didn’t want to throw it on the floor the way Lapis herself had and offered to take it from her. Only as she walked further into her apartment did she notice just how messy the place had gotten. As she struggled to put Peridot’s coat onto a hanger in the tiny closet near the door she caught sight of her roommate, who was dozing on the couch, surrounded by dirty dishes and an empty chip bag. Lapis grumbled angrily under her breath as she finally managed to shove the coat into Peridot’s closet.

Peridot let out a meek cry of thanks, looking around nervously through the apartment. Lapis sighed at the mess, and fumbled her way to an apology.

“My roommate is incredibly messy. We had agreed that her room was the only place she was allowed to get all gross and cluttered but she tends to forget,” she explained, letting out another soft sorry as she grabbed the dishes from around Amethyst’s sleeping body to bring into the impossibly crowded kitchen.

Peridot followed Lapis as she arrived, placing the dishes into the sink with a sigh.

“It’s okay, I don’t mind,” Peridot said, voice still lacking her usual enthusiasm.

Lapis turned around, forcing a soft smile onto her face.

“Do you want anything? Water or dinner or something?”

Peridot took a step back, her face dropping as she quickly shook her head.

“That’s alright, you’ve already offered me too much,”

Lapis huffed a breath of air out through her nose, “Dude it’s okay. If you’re thirsty you’re thirsty, just let me know what you want,”

Peridot flushed, and broke eye contact to look at her socked feet, “I’m alright for now. Thank you,”

Lapis forced another smile, eyes following Peridot’s to the brightly colored Pokémon socks, “Just let me know if you get hungry and I can make us something,”

After a moment of awkward silence, the only sound the heavy pitter pater of rain against the windows, Lapis waved Peridot to follow her. She wanted more than anything to set Peridot up on some shoddy air mattress or something so she could ignore her and sleep but as she walked back into the living room she found her roommate waking up. She stretched her chubby arms above her head, and yawned.

“Hey Laz, how was work?” She asked mid-yawn. Lapis opened her mouth to reply but was interrupted when Amethyst opened her brown eyes and caught sight of Peridot. She smirked at Lapis when she moved her vision from the short girl to her.

“Who’s this?” She asked, voice raised in excitement to match her raised eyebrows.

Lapis frowned, she had hoped upon seeing Amethyst sleeping that she wouldn’t have to have this conversation.

“This is Peridot,” she answered, however, before Peridot herself could.

Amethyst’s smirk fell and instead she gave Lapis an inquisitive look, Peridot’s name clearly not registering in her mind.

“Who?” She eventually asked, seemingly ignoring Peridot, turning to the taller girl to instead ask Lapis.

Lapis cringed, a deep blush rising to her cheeks as she remembered that she had never actually mentioned Peridot’s name.

She rubbed at her neck, lowering her eyes as she muttered, “Biology girl,” she forced out. She avoided Peridot’s gaze as she waited for Amethyst to respond.

It took a long moment to reply but when she did Lapis’s blush deepened, Amethyst’s face gaining a devilish smile.

“Really?” She asked, voice dripping with mockery. Lapis tried to roll her eyes, but she knew her bright red cheeks would be proof enough for Amethyst to ‘prove’ her theory that Lapis had a crush on the eccentric girl.

In the quick, yet excruciatingly slow for Lapis’s flustered brain, moments where Amethyst opened her mouth again Peridot finally spoke up.

“Do you like biology too?” She asked to Amethyst, voice finally picking back to Peridot’s usual enthusiastic tone. Lapis’s embarrassing blush finally began to fade as instead her face dropped as she realized with horror Amethyst’s attention shift.

“Do I?” She exclaimed rhetorically, throwing her arms up in mock excitement, “I could talk about biology for hours!” She exclaimed, and Peridot physically jumped off of the floor in excitement. Her eyes light up, and Lapis watched in shock as Amethyst got Peridot started on a monologue. Her short blonde hair bounced as she spoke and she used her hands to emphasize. Lapis found a confusing mix of emotions rise in the bottom her chest.

Lapis was frustrated, that much she was okay with. Peridot had once faded to static but recently her presence in Lapis’s car and home had become frustrating once more. She wanted to throttle Amethyst, yell at her for instigating and kick Peridot from her home and onto the sopping streets. Yet an unexpected emotion took her back. She felt relieved.

She was comforted to see Peridot back to normal. After watching her so broken down, sobbing and accepting defeat in a panicked state, seeing her joyously speak about what she liked made Lapis feel good. Or at least contented.

Despite her lifted feeling, not to mention the joy that always followed acknowledging feeling an emotion, Peridot’s rant was no more engaging than they usually were. The large words she spoke of were starting to become familiar to Lapis, yet she still knew little about what they meant. The relief quickly faded, being replaced by solely irritation. She was supposed to be done with pretending to be interested by now, yet there Peridot stood, her endless energy reaching a forte as she rocked on her heels in excitement.

Amethyst even gave up on acting interested after a few minutes, giving Lapis a much needed look of apology. Lapis nodded at her, before cutting Peridot off. In her own home she deserved to at least end a much unwanted conversation.

“Are you hungry yet?”

**

After a bit of persuading, or more Amethyst’s insisting Peridot try her food, they decided to cook. Or Amethyst would cook while Lapis and Peridot talked at the small dining table.

Peridot no longer held the timid air she had upon her arrival inside Lapis’s home when they started chatting again. She talked with the usual surplus energy she seemed to bring with her everywhere. Lapis nodded along, not quite listening, and wondered if the energy was the result of all the caffeine or not. Something told her Peridot simply held an endless sense of life within her. Maybe she could ask her about coffee tomorrow. That would likely be more tolerable, or at least easier to understand, than what they usually spoke about at the cafe.

Lapis loosely followed her roommate’s form with her eyes, watching as she darted from overhead cabinets to the fridge to bubbling pots. She mildly acknowledged the other advantage of being Amethyst’s roommate as a delicious smell filled the room. The food.

Peridot told stories of her lab partner and her high school chemistry teacher until Amethyst was done cooking, and she thanked the dark skinned girl profusely when she was handed her a plate of chicken parmesan. Amethyst laughed, “Lapis should take some notes,”

Dinner went by quickly if awkwardly. Amethysts made a few more comments to Lapis and Peridot that seemed to fly over Peridot’s head. She spoke with endless innuendos that made Lapis choke on her food yet Peridot seemed unfazed. Lapis desperately hoped Peridot just didn’t realize the weight of what Amethyst was saying.

When Lapis noticed Peridot had finished, and was nodding along to something Amethyst was saying Lapis stood quickly. She grabbed Peridot and her own plates and brought them into the kitchen as fast as she could. When she returned to the dinning table she grabbed Peridot and dragged her over to her bedroom.

Amethyst laughed behind them with a call of, “Have fun!” Lapis could hear the smirk in her voice as they walked over to Lapis’s bedroom.

“We will!” Peridot cried back, a large smile on her freckled face. When the two girls had finally entered Lapis’s room Lapis’s cheeks were bright red. She wanted to shake Peridot’s body in frustration at that last comment and she forced herself to look in the opposite direction of the girl.

“Your roommate is nice,” Peridot said happily.

Lapis flushed deeply into her hands as she took a few more steps into the small room. She kicked her small trash can as she approached it, frustrated at Peridot’s misinterpretation of Amethyst.

“Let’s figure out where you can sleep,”

**

Lapis had spent about an hour digging through closets and storage before giving up on finding the air mattress. Amethyst was no help either, making comments left and right about how Lapis didn’t need to pretend they wouldn’t be sharing a bed. Lapis through a pillow at her while Peridot waited in her room, and moved onto the next cabinet.

Yet as she searched, and searched again she figured it must have been lost or broken or tucked away in the endless mess of Amethyst’s bedroom, which she had no want to look through.

With a heavy sigh, and a glare sent at the clock she reentered her room.

“I can’t find it,” she said to Peridot, who sat on the floor picking at the carpet. Peridot’s face dropped before she replied.

“That’s okay!” She forced a smile as she stood, “I can sleep on the floor,”

Lapis stared blankly at the girl, who took a step closer to her. While she wanted desperately to let Peridot sleep on the floor and tuck herself into bed to escape the world for a few hours she felt that was the wrong thing to do.

“No, you can have the bed,” she forced out, turning around to hide her grimace. She ran fingers through her hair and suppressed a sigh as Peridot rushed up behind her, spitting protests.

Lapis raised a hand at her, and took a small jump forward when she felt a hand grab onto her upper arm.

“I’ll get you a pillow,” Lapis grumbled no longer caring about concealing her frustrations. She shook off her arm as she exited the room, trying to block out Peridot’s words.

“Lapis-“ Peridot began to call but Lapis slammed the door shut, and she heard Peridot squeak in surprise.

Upon Lapis’s return, two pillows stashed under her arms, Peridot sat awkwardly on the floor once more, a somber look on her face.

“Really, I can sleep on the floor. It’s your bed and I’ve already been an inconvenience,”

Lapis sighed, handing Peridot the pillows. She sat down next to her on the floor, and ran a hand through her hair.

“You sure?” She asked, wanting nothing more than to shut her up.

Peridot nodded, holding the pillows tightly in her hands.

“Sorry,” Lapis mumbled, she stood slowly and Peridot assured her it was alright. Lapis walked over to her bed and pulled a spare, small blue blanket from the top. She tossed it to Peridot haphazardly and asked her softly if she needed any water. She hoped the tone of her voice was apology enough for snapping at her earlier.

Peridot muttered a no and Lapis nodded. She walked over to the light switch, turning the bright lights off.

By the time she had reached her bed, and got herself comfortable beneath the intoxicating warmth of her blankets Peridot began to speak softly.

Lapis was frustrated at the added interruption, and anger bubbled in her chest as she snapped open her eyes. She glared into the darkness, knowing it would conceal her expression as she listened to the other girl speak.

“I’m really sorry for being an inconvenience again,” Peridot said meekly into the darkness, and Lapis could hear her ruffling the blanket, “It won’t happen again,”

Lapis took a moment to form a reply in her mind, swallowing as she stared into the space where she knew Peridot laid on the carpet.

“You’re fine,” she replied, slowly. A pang of guilt hit her as she heard Peridot bump into her nightstand, hissing in response.

“Sorry!” She barked loudly, and Lapis sighed.

“Come here,” Lapis sighed once more, heavier this time as she felt a headache forming.

“What?” Peridot asked, voice strained. Lapis could hear the blankets ruffle more, and assumed the blonde had sat up.

“Get up here before I change my mind,” Lapis forced out. She regretted her decision of the suggestion almost immediately but figured it would be the only way to shut Peridot up.

“Lapis you don’t have to-“

“Come here,” Lapis spoke again, voice forceful but she was conscious to not make it enough to scare Peridot. She tried to shove all her anger and frustration at the situation out of her tone in an attempt to find any way to stop the endless apologies so Lapis could finally fall asleep.

After a few moments of silence Lapis heard Peridot gathering the blankets and pillows, and Lapis scooted closer to the wall to make room for the girl.

As the bed dipped and squeaked under Peridot’s weight Lapis shoved a pillow between them.

“Try not to touch me,” Lapis said as Peridot began to start another stream of endless thanks.

**

When Lapis awoke to the blaring thunder of her alarm she was surprised to find someone else sitting up with her.

Through the dim light of the morning Lapis could see Peridot blinking in confusion, squinting her eyes to adjust to the light. She instinctively reached to her right, right into Lapis’s chest.

She squealed in response, eyes widening as she remembered where she was.

Lapis squinted at her, cringing at the loud cry of sorry that followed. The sound was abrasive and all too much that early in the morning.

“It’s okay,” Lapis grimaced, lying back down and hiding her eyes under a pillow, “Will you hit snooze?”

Peridot mumbled a few syllables, before she reached over and did so.

As she herself laid back down Lapis had started to doze back to sleep. She was awoken by Peridot thanking her for allowing her to spend the night. Lapis let out a small groan at the interruption.

“It’s okay,” she eventually replied, voice groggy, hoping Peridot would stop talking.

By the time Lapis’s second alarm had gone off Peridot was out of Lapis’s bed, and sat on the floor. She fiddled on her phone, glasses back on her face.

Lapis stared at her blankly for a few moments, wanting to fall back to sleep but assumed that would be rude. She pulled herself from her bed, stretching her back as she sat up, and turned the blaring alarm off. She yawned loudly as she swung her legs over the bed.

“Do you want anything to eat?” She asked Peridot as she stood on shaky legs, eyelids feeling incredibly heavy that early in the morning.

Before Peridot could respond Lapis waved her into the kitchen, hoping Peridot liked cereal.

**

Lapis had assumed she was right when she guessed Peridot’s energy was not reliant on caffeine. She had no coffee to offer Peridot at her apartment, she got enough at work and Amethyst didn’t regularly drink it, yet she continued to carry her usual burst of energy.

As Peridot hoped back into the passenger seat of Lapis’s beat up car on a gloomy Thursday morning she spoke cheerily to Lapis. She stared out at the damp world as Lapis sped down the small highway, dogging the few patches of ice that had formed over the course of the night.

She continued to thank Lapis periodically throughout the drive and when Lapis pulled into the cafe’s small parking lot they had reached a forte. She ruffled through her bag and counted cash that she handed Lapis. Lapis thanked her but Peridot shook her head insisting that Lapis didn’t have to thank her.

Lapis shoved the cash in her jacket pocket and got out of the car. She twirled her keys in her hand as she helped Peridot pull her bike from the trunk.

Peridot thanked her once more before driving off down the opposite highway.

“See you later!” She cried with a wide smile.

Lapis let out a hearty sigh of relief as she watched the green coat dart away from her. She turned her gaze to the other car in the wet parking lot. As she shoved her keys into her jacket pocket she created a rough daft of what to tell Ruby and Sapphire.

In the end Lapis didn’t get a raise like she had wanted. But she managed to get more days off, every other Saturday from then on, and Lapis decided that was acceptable too.

After about an hour and a half of questions on what had happened and Peridot’s well being Lapis was left alone to man the front.

She stared out the window over the lake. The downpour had made the vegetation around the water bloom, turning a bright green in places where the cold had not yet killed it off once more. The grey clouds that threatened another storm soon faded, allowing sharp sun beams to dance across the water. Lapis hoped the winter would end soon as she stared at the spring like scene.

She tried hard not to think about the night prior. She found herself flushing when she remembered she had shared a bed with Peridot and frustrated when she thought back on her roommate’s smirking remarks. It was hard not to think on it though, especially with the occasional questions from her bosses, and Lapis was glad at the very least that it was over with. She busied herself with cleaning when no one was inside the cafe, sweeping and mopping the floors as she hummed along to the songs she had heard on the radio with Peridot that morning.

When Peridot returned to the cafe that afternoon Lapis finally put the broom away into the storage closet.

When the short girl approached the counter she thanked Lapis another time for letting her stay the night. Lapis resisted the urge to roll her eyes as she assured her it was alright.

When Lapis finished the black coffee she sat with Peridot as she did every day.

Peridot loosely smiled up at her, “If there’s anything else I can do to repay you let me know,”

“Don’t worry about,” Lapis insisted, done with discussing the situation with Peridot or anyone else. She quickly changed the subject in an attempt to get Peridot off the topic for good, “Do you just like coffee or do you need it?” She bluntly asked, pointing at Peridot’s cup as she took a sip, interrupting her before she could mention her schooling or another possible way to repay her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I apologize for the long wait! This time of year is incredibly hectic and busy for me with finals and all that jazz. Regardless, I enjoyed this chapter a lot. I love Peridot so much.   
> Thank you so much for reading! Please leave me a comment letting me know how you felt about this chapter! And have a lovely day!


	5. Chapter 5

Lapis was thrilled to go home after work. It felt as if she had been working nonstop since she had arrived at the cafe on Wednesday morning and she finally could take a break and get rid of the facade she had to put on when around the chatty blonde.

When she got home she showered for the first time in far too long, letting the hot water run down her body in a soothing manner as she washed her hair. She spent over an hour standing in the rushing water and steam thinking. The water had always relaxed her, comforted her, and the shower had become Lapis’s happy place for several years. She wished she forced herself to indulge in it more than she did. As much as she liked the shower when she was inside it, it was hard to motivate herself to actually get in. When the water started to run cold she finally forced herself from the water, turning it off and stepping out to dry off.

Upon drying herself she changed into her pajamas and let herself fall into bed. She loosely stared at the ceiling, somewhere between consciousness and sleep. She was fading in and out of the beginning of dreams as she lay still and peaceful in the comfort of her bed. Only when the door to her apartment slammed shut did she exit this state, sitting up quickly as the loud noise startled her.

“I’m home!” Her roommate screamed into the apartment, Lapis squinted at the clock. It was 10:30 and Lapis had only been in bed for about an hour. She lazily got out of bed, acknowledging her grumbling stomach. She walked with heavy feet and heavy eyelids to the dinning room, trying to wake herself from her daze. Amethyst was already in the kitchen by the time Lapis entered the main part of the apartment.

Amethyst pulled out a plastic tupperware container full of the night prior’s leftovers from the fridge. She let some fall on to two plates before microwaving them one after another. Lapis could tell from the groggy way she moved around the room she had had a long day at work, and the large burn on her wrist from what Lapis assumed was one of the large stoves that she cooked at during the day added to that assumption. Her roommate’s eyes were droopy and she didn’t have her usual pep as she walked around, but as she turned around to see Lapis she seemed to cheer ever so slightly. As she and Lapis sat to eat Amethyst smiled, first soft and happily then devilishly, at Lapis. That look woke Lapis up from the last of her daze, and she avoided her roommate’s eyes, instead shoveling a forkful of food into her mouth. Lapis knew what was coming, and she felt a flutter of nerves as she heard Amethyst open her mouth to speak.

“So,” she drew out the world, twirling her fork in her hand, “Did ya have fun last night?” She smirked at Lapis when Lapis finally looked back up at her face. The droopy sleepy nature of demeanor of before seeming to fade as she began to tease Lapis.

“It wasn’t like that,” Lapis forcefully interjected, shoveling another large forkful of chicken into her mouth.

Amethyst laughed, “Sure,” she smiled, mirroring Lapis and stuffing her mouth, “Was she any good, though?”

Lapis chocked on her mouthful and swallowed as quickly as she could, as much as she expected something like this the question caught her off guard. She felt her cheeks turn a deep scarlet despite her best interest, “We didn’t do anything like that!” She shouted, pointing a finger at her roommate’s chest in protest, “I was taking her home because she bikes and there was a crazy storm and she was freaking out but then the highway was blocked up and it was just easier to take her home!” Her voice was rushed as she tried to explain herself, knowing well Amethyst would still tease her even if she believed the story.

Amethyst raised an eyebrow at Lapis after a few beats of silence in which Lapis’s heart pounded loudly in her ears, “That’s a shit excuse, Laz,” she spoke, deadpan. She took another bite of food to stifle what Lapis caught to be a snicker.

“It’s true!” Lapis protested, her panic being dwindled by frustration. She felt her blush fade and her heartbeat slow and she pouted at the still smirking expression of her roommate.

“Then why was she in your bed last night?”

Lapis’s eyes widened in surprise, cheeks turning a deep burgundy. Her heart pounded inside her chest; the jittery feeling of before quickly returning. Had Amethyst really seen or was she just trying to get a reaction? Lapis tried to pull out an objective facade with the hope that her roommate was just teasing her and hadn’t really seen the two girls in bed.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” she replied indignantly, breaking eye contact with the shorter woman. She tried to hide her previous shocked expression, relaxing her eyes and staring off into the distance with an expressionless face.

“Well your blush begs to differ,” Amethyst smirked, and after a moment of humming in which Amethysts appeared to be, or more likely mimed being, deep in thought she spoke again, “And so does this cute photo,” with that she pulled out her phone from her back pocket and showed Lapis her new lock screen. Despite the dim lighting in the photo the picture was easy to make out, and Lapis’s heart skipped a beat upon seeing it. Displayed clearly in the picture was her and Peridot fast asleep in Lapis’s bed the night before. The blonde girl was cuddled up into a small ball against Lapis’s side and Lapis had her arms splayed out in the opposite direction. The smaller girl’s head was cuddled into the crock between Lapis’s neck and shoulder, the rest of her body hidden under the covers.

Lapis’s blush deepened and she lunged across the table to grab the phone from Amethyst’s hand, “Delete that!” She shouted, her voice squeaking and high put her.

Amethyst jumped backwards with her phone and shoved it back into her pocket, she laughed heartily at Lapis’s protests before speaking once more, “Dude, I don’t care if you _do_ sleep with her I’m just surprised. She doesn’t really seem like your type,”

“She’s not! We didn’t do that!” Lapis yelled, dropping her cheeks with a fiery blush into her hands. She could feel the heat from her face radiate into her palms and she groaned deeply into them.

Amethyst laughed once more, loud and hearty and Lapis cursed profusely at her under her breath. The sound was muffled by her sweaty palms so she kicked Amethyst’s shin under the table for good measure.

**

After finishing dinner Lapis had tried to run away to her room, frustrated with her roommate and the new lock screen that continued to dance across her mind at unconventional moments of conversation. But Amethyst pulled Lapis into her bed room, a soft smile and an apology tumbling from her mouth.

“You’re easy to tease,” she justified herself, sitting atop her bed after hopping across the messy floor. She bounced slightly and the springs of her bed squealed in protest, “And I know you have work tomorrow but-“ Amethyst drew out the word as she reached into the bottom drawer of her dresser, pulling out her bong.

“As an apology,” Amethyst reasoned, a large smile spreading across her chubby face.

Lapis tried to say no, she knew she should go to bed now so she could wake up on time for work tomorrow but after so much stress and frustration the past few days she decided she deserved it. She sat down with a heavy plop onto Amethyst’s bed, and leaned her head onto her shoulder.

“I’ll take that as a yes then?” Her roommate’s laughed and Lapis nodded.

“Well you at least have to tell me what it was like seeing her today,” Amethyst said after taking a hit and passing the bong to Lapis. Lapis grabbed it from Amethyst as she leaned her head against the wall.

“Only if you believe my story on what happened yesterday,”

Amethyst rolled her eyes, but smiled anyway.

“I believe you, I’m just surprised you didn’t leave her to die in the storm. And you’re fun to tease,” Amethyst ran a tan hand through her dyed hair. After Lapis did not speak she herself filled the silence once more, “But seriously though, why was she in your bed?”

Lapis groaned, passing the bong back to Amethyst and throwing her head back dramatically.

“She would not shut the fuck up! It was the only way to get her to stop apologizing or thanking me or asking me what she could do to make it up to me,”

Amethyst laughed, “Yeah. I could tell that she is-” she dwindled off, taking another hit as she looked off trying to find the right word, “talkative. I can see how that could get old,”

Lapis nodded, gazing up at the ceiling, “You should change your lock screen,”

Amethyst laughed, “Nice try kid, but I don’t think so. I think it’s awfully cute,”

“Fuck you,” Lapis spat, but found herself smiling at her roommate’s teasing shove despite herself.

**

The lock screen Lapis had repeatedly tried to get Amethyst to change throughout the course of her night popped back into Lapis’s mind immediately upon seeing Peridot again. The short girl walked in to the cafe with her usually cheery pep and Lapis felt her cheeks pink as the image of the girl cuddled so intimately into her side returned to her mind. As the blonde approached the counter Lapis tired to shake the image from her mind, and she ran a hand through her messy curls.

“Hi!” Peridot smiled widely at her and Lapis loosely waved in return. She started on Peridot’s coffee and was surprised when Peridot stayed at the counter. As Lapis worked the blonde haired girl began to speak once more.

“I was thinking about what happened and I still feel like there’s more I could do to repay you,” Lapis turned on her heels quickly, the image on Amethyst’s phone screen darting across her mind once more. She opened her mouth to interject but Peridot continued to talk with a wave of her hand.

“I know you keep telling me not to worry about it but you were so kind and I want to show you how much I appreciate it,” Peridot articulated her words slowly, something notably out of character, “So I would like to take you to dinner sometime soon. Would that be okay with you?”

Lapis flattered in her tracks, stopping her work on the cup of coffee to let the question register. Another brief image of the picture of the two of them in Lapis’s bed darted across her mind as she turned around once more and caught Peridot’s wide green eyes.

“What?” Lapis asked, dumbfounded.

“It’ll be my treat. It’s really the least I could do as thanks,”

Lapis stuttered, a long ‘um’ falling from her lips as she turned back to the espresso machine.

“C’mon Lapis! It’ll be fun and I _really_ want to thank you properly,” She raised the pitch of her voice as she spoke and Lapis was reminded of the squeaky kindergarteners she used to baby sit.

Lapis huffed a sigh, not quite wanting to spend another day with Peridot but found herself begrudgingly muttering an okay.

Peridot smiled wide at the small okay, and Lapis could hear her let out a little excited squeal. By the time Lapis had begun walking over to her table the student was scribbling onto a small piece of paper, and when Lapis sat down she handed it to her.

“My phone number!” She smiled at Lapis. Lapis twiddled with the small paper, exasperated, "Just text me tonight and we can plan a day!" Lapis begrudgingly shoved the piece of paper into her pocket, a fluttery feeling in her chest. She really would never hear the end of this from her roommate.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Finally, a decent update time.  
> Sorry this one is shorter but the next one will make up for that :)  
> Anyway, thank you for reading! PLEASE leave me a comment! They're what modivate me to continue. And have a good day!


	6. Chapter 6

Lapis had full intentions of not texting Peridot when she got home. Or more accurately ever. She already had a list of excuses: 1. I forgot. 2. I lost your number. 3. I accidentally put your number through the wash with my pants. 4. I got home really late and didn’t want to bother you. 5. I lost my phone. She had planned on shuffling through these excuses if Peridot ever asked why Lapis had never texted her, maybe adding a few more here and there, until Peridot gave up on ever receiving a text from Lapis or she eventually caught the hint that Lapis didn’t want to talk to her.

Yet when the short blonde skipped out of the building and began to drive away on her bright green bicycle, Sapphire came out of the back room of the cafe, a small smile on her face.

“Thank you for being so nice to her,” She said to Lapis, brushing at her dirty blonde bangs with her hand.

Lapis sighed, not sure what to say. She went to grab something to do but was stopped by the tiny woman, who ushered her name.

“Take the rest of the day off,” she said and Lapis could swear she heard angels singing. She thanked the small woman before darting as quickly as she could to the back room, where Ruby smiled with a halfhearted wave at her.

“See ya later, Lapis,”

Lapis rushed outside and felt a rare feeling of lightness as she drove home, blasting her music and screaming along to the songs.

It was only when she got home did she remember the problem of Peridot’s cellphone number.

She had chucked her shoes off upon her entry into her apartment and quickly began unbuttoning her pants. As she kicked off the uncomfortable garment, briefly tripping over one of the legs, she hopped onto the couch, and after mindlessly glancing over at the crumpled article of clothing she noticed the slip of paper that Peridot had given her lying adjacent her pants on the floor.

She groaned as she saw it. It was lying so obviously on the stained carpeting in a way that felt almost as if the paper was taunting her. She begrudgingly pulled herself from the coziness of the couch to collect the slip, knowing well if she didn’t now she would forget about it and would only remember it’s existence when confronted about it by a teasing roommate.

She held the paper in her hand tightly as she sat back down and stared at the carefully crafted numbers that ran across it. She was tempted to throw it away but as she glanced at the clock and noticed it was still early she felt a tinge of guilt at ignoring the poor girl. She had no roommate to distract her and no chores she felt like doing and found herself mindlessly on her phone anyway. Besides, she reasoned with herself, it would likely be easier to not agree on a day to go anywhere than to never text her in the first place.

So she sent a reluctant message to the number on the paper, hoping to have Peridot wait long enough to reply that she could pretend she had fallen asleep before she could see the message.

_hey, its lapis_

She sent, closing her eyes and hoping maybe she would actually fall asleep. Before she could get very far in her attempt to nap however her phone dinged loudly, and Lapis opened one eye with a glare.

The message was sent from an unknown number, but the punctuation, and knowledge that she had not added Peridot’s number to her contacts, made it clear who the message was from as she stared at the notification that highlighted her lock screen.

Unknown Number\- Hi Lapis!! I would still like to take you out for food to thank you! Would Saturday work for you? :)

Lapis huffed a heavy sigh as she unlocked her phone, and considered leaving the girl on read. But after a moment of thought she sent a reply.

_sorry but i have plans with my roommate_

Lapis sent the lie without much thought, and tried again to doze off to sleep but without even a minute Peridot had replied again.

Unknown Number\- Okay! What about Sunday?

Lapis rolled her eyes at Peridot’s persistent response, she should have figured Peridot would just ask over and over again until she got a day. Lapis considered using the same excuse, but figured Peridot would just move on to the next weekend. Instead she decided to go with a more truthful response, hoping to shut down the entire situation.

_im just not sure about the whole thing, i dont want you to feel inclined and things like this tend to make me nervous_

Lapis figured that response would be enough to shut Peridot up, at least for the time being, but without a moments hesitation Peridot replied again.

Unknown Number\- Don’t worry!! It’s not a date or anything!!! Haha!!!

As much as the text may have meant to be reassuring it had quite the opposite effect on the recipient. Lapis found her cheeks going bright read as she read the message, and her mind began racing.

She hadn’t even considered the fact that Peridot might think this was a date. In retrospect she realized how stupid that was, Peridot gave Lapis her phone number and offered to take her out for dinner. Of course it was a date. Lapis scolded herself for being foolish as she reread the message.

She let out a groan, and felt herself cringing as she read over the words again. The punctuation, while consistent with the rest of Peridot’s messages thus far, seemed more panicked than cheerful, as it had played off before. She had replied almost instantaneously, as if she had already been thinking about the response beforehand. The excessive exclamation points and ‘haha’ were unnecessary and dripping with stress. They didn’t even make sense in the context of the conversation, much less that actual words of the message.

The whole messaged seemed as if Peridot was trying to dig herself out of rejection, and Lapis realized with a overwhelming swell of frustration that every sign pointed to Peridot having attempted to ask her on a date.

Lapis could imagine exactly how Peridot would have said the words in real life, the way her voice would raise in pitch, how she would nearly cut Lapis off in her panic to properly respond, how she would avoid eye contact. She always did those things when she was nervous. After she said something that caused Lapis to send a halfhearted glare; after Lapis had not laughed at a joke. All the moments when Lapis got even more of an inkling that the blonde had a crush on her.

Lapis took a huff of breath, before typing a response

_good. im not interested in dating._

She sent the text to Peridot, hoping the forcefulness would shake the idea from Peridot’s head.

Lapis had full intentions of leaving the conversation, and possibly never opening it again, but she noticed before she could close the conversation that the message was immediately read after being delivered. Peridot had been waiting in the chat for over three minutes to see what Lapis would say. Lapis rubbed at her temples as Peridot began typing. She waited for a reply but instead found herself watching as the bubble telling her Peridot was typing disappeared then reappeared multiple times. Lapis watched, frustration growing, as Peridot seemingly struggled to respond.

Unknown Number\- Oh. Okay. So Sunday works for you?

Lapis halfhearted responded with a yes. The message Peridot sent, so drastically lackluster in punctuation, filled her with a dreading sense of knowing. The sudden lack of exclamation marks conveying a sense of defeat. After a few moments Lapis got another message.

Unknown Number\- May I ask why you don’t want to date?

Lapis decided to finally leave her on read.

**

Lapis awoke with a start, sitting bolt upright at the slamming of the front door. She watched as Amethyst entered, laughing at her as she came.

“Passed put on the couch? Must have been a long day if you didn’t even make it to your bed,” She smirked, gaze trailing down Lapis’s body so she could eye Lapis’s pant-less legs with a raised eyebrow.

Lapis groaned, as her grogginess wore off and in response her mind began to fill with the memories of her day.

“You have no idea,” she said, and Amethyst landed with a squeal of springs next to her on the couch. She laughed as she sat, running a hand through her long lavender hair. Lapis could smell pasta sauce and fish on her from her day at work, and her stomach grumbled loudly.

“Tell me about it over food?” The shorter woman asked, swinging back on to her feet and reaching a tan hand out to Lapis.

Lapis nodded despite herself. Amethyst would find out eventually, she might as well tell her now.

As they walked into the tiny kitchen Lapis began talking, sitting herself down onto the cold plastic of one of the chairs. She told Amethyst about what had happened while she was at work, and Amethyst laughed heartily at the story. Lapis grumbled as Amethyst finally sat down, setting a plate of stir fry down in front of her.

“It’s not funny,” she said, trying to argue seriously but failing. Instead she sounded like a frustrated toddler, voice whinny and high pitched, which only caused her roommate to laugh all the more.

“Sorry, sorry” Amethyst let out between chuckles, raising her arms in front of her, “It’s just funny how into you she is,”

Lapis stuttered, a soft blush rising to her cheeks, “Just the other day you told me it was all in my head!”

“I also mentioned something about you being easy to tease,”

Lapis rolled her eyes at Amethyst, taking a large bite out of her meal.

“Did you ever text her?” Amethyst asked, a soft smile on her face.

Lapis swallowed quickly, suddenly reminded of the story she had been telling, “Okay prepare yourself because this is the bulk of the story,”

Amethyst’s smile widened at this, and she put her elbows up on the table, resting her chin in her hands, “Do tell,”

“My bosses let me off early and so I came home, and when I got here I kicked off my pants. I was like spacing out and then I saw the slip with her number on it on the floor and I was like damnit and I felt compelled to say something to her so,” she took another bite of her stir fry, looking up at the ceiling trying to word what happened next, “Actually here,”

She slide her phone across the table to Amethyst, who quickly took it in her hands. As she tapped into Lapis’s messages she huffed another breath of laughter.

“You didn’t save her number?” She laughed.

Before Lapis could answer Amethyst began reading the conversation out loud. She mimicked both Lapis’s and Peridot’s voices as she went with surprising accuracy, and dramatized the reading even more by acting out the texts.

After only a few moments Amethyst reached the text that had caused Lapis so much distress. She read through the text out loud, dropping the voice after the first line. After she read it she looked up at Lapis with wide eyes.

Amethyst muttered an ‘oh my god’ under her breath but began reading after a brief moment of silence.

She let out a small chuckle after reading the next text in her head, “Damn, Laz. Way to shut down her hopes and dreams,”

When she had finished reading the conversation she slid Lapis’s phone back to her and the pair sat in silence.

“Jesus,” Amethyst eventually said with a chuckle, taking a bite of her own untouched plate of stir fry.

Lapis nodded, a strange bubble of feelings looming in her chest. The frustration at the situation, Peridot blatantly asking her out, had not quite faded but she found a small bubble of nerves make its way into her chest as well.

**

Lapis had already decided that Sunday would be an absolutely miserable day before it even started. She had no desire to visit Peridot and see her more than necessary, especially after the sleep over incident, and the teasing she would have to endure from her roommate before she left would be all the less fun. By the time she woke up she had received three texts from Peridot and one from Amethyst that only seemed to prove her theory.

Unknown Number\- Hi Lapis! I’m excited to see you later!!

Unknown Number\- Would you like to come visit my place after we eat? You can meet my dog!!

Unknown Number\- Did I ever mention my dog before? Regardless, I’m excited to see you!!!

purple slut\- ready for your big date today?? ;);) im sure peridot is hot and waiting for you

Lapis huffed a heavy sigh as she ignored all of the messages, trying with all of her might not to think about the invitation to Peridot’s home, and pulled herself from her bed. She allowed herself to shower, and spent far too long inside, pruning her fingers and making the water run cold. After she had gotten dressed she stumbled out of her room, following the intoxicating smell of breakfast.

Amethyst was in the kitchen, humming along to the radio as she cooked and Lapis walked up behind her to sit at the table.

“I thought you worked today?” She asked, after Amethyst glanced behind her to look at Lapis.

“Someone asked to swap shifts, I figured I could help you get ready for your big date,” She replied smoothly, and although she had her back facing Lapis, Lapis could hear the smirk in her voice.

Lapis let out a heavy sigh, “It’s not a date,”

Amethysts chuckled, “I must admit you really shut down any hope she may have had at this actually being a date,”

Lapis shook her head, with a soft roll of her eyes, “Maybe not. She asked me if I wanted to go to her house afterwards to ‘meet her dog’,” she made air quotes as she spoke despite her roommate not being able to see.

“For real?” Amethyst exclaimed, spinning on her heels. A wide smile crossed her face in shock.

Lapis laughed in response to the enthusiastic reaction, and pulled out her phone to show the message that she had left on read.

Amethyst laughed one more, “Yikes,” before returning to her cooking.

Over breakfast Amethyst teased Lapis about her plans continuously, “Oooh, you showered for her!”, “That’s what you’re gonna wear for all the steamy, steamy, sex?”, “I can’t believe she’s letting you meet her dog. She must be head over heels,”. Lapis spent most of the day ignoring her roommate, trying to hide from the teasing and mentally prepare herself for the night ahead of her. She also found herself ignoring the few more texts that were sent her way from a certain unknown number.

By the time Lapis actually had to leave in order to get over to the next town in time for Peridot’s reservation she was altogether done with speaking to Amethyst. Before she could dart outside away from her, however, the chubby girl pulled her aside.

“Are you just gonna tease me again?” Lapis asked, deadpan, shaking her arm away, “If so I really have to go,” she said, gesturing with an outstretched thumb to the door behind her.

Amethyst shook her head and mumbled a weak apology for ‘being a bitch all day’.

“I just want to talk to you real quick,” she interjected when Lapis started to turn to leave. When Lapis waited for her to continue only to be met with silence she mumbled a soft ‘okay’.

Amethyst took a heavy breath, and raised her eyes to look at the ceiling in thought, “Listen,” she pulled her eyes down to look into Lapis’s eyes, “I know you don’t like her but you’ve been,” she hesitated, breaking eye contact once more, seemingly in thought, “happier since she’s come around. I know happier isn’t the right word but you’ve certainly been doing more than wallowing in your room like you used to. You talk to me about something now,” she smiled softly as she looked into Lapis’s eyes, the deep chocolate brown locking with Lapis’s hazy grey, “It’s been really nice,”

Amethyst paused in her talking and Lapis took the moment to process. She didn’t exactly like what Amethyst was saying, but she would admit that she had been spending far more time with her roommate since she had met Peridot than she had been before. She felt a twinge of guilt as she realized this and tried to think of something to say. Amethyst kept talking though, looking back into Lapis’s eyes

“This might not be what you want, actually I know it’s not, but I’m glad that you’re going out tonight. You should try to have some fun while you’re gone. I know you’re scared of this, but Peridot isn’t like Jasper,” Lapis felt her face dropping at the mention of her ex. She and Amethyst hadn’t talked about the woman since they had first moved in together, and Lapis had tried to forget about her entirely.

Amethyst noticed this and paused, but when Lapis didn’t say anything she continued. “I mean it. Peridot is sweet and tiny and she means well. She can’t hurt you. And god help her from me if she tries,” Amethyst’s words were rushed, and she took a moment to catch up on her breath.

“Besides, I can tell she really cares about you and really likes you. Just try to have a good time with her. I promise I won’t tease you if you do,” She spoke after recovering and Lapis found herself smiling. She could tell Amethyst was being sincere, that she genuinely wanted Lapis to be happy and have fun, and she felt a flutter of emotions bubble in her chest.

She felt safe. For the first time in far too long.

“Thank you,” she said softly, appreciation and adoration for her friend flooding her chest, “I will,” she muttered. Amethyst smiled, pulling Lapis into a quick hug. Lapis squeezed her back, and for once the closeness of such attention did not frighten her.

When they pulled apart Amethyst smiled at her softly. She took a shaky breath before speaking again.

“If you feel at all unsafe tonight just call me and I’ll come get you. Probably beat the shit out of Peridot too while I’m at it,” She said, smile widening a large amount. Lapis laughed as Amethyst said it, feeling lightness seeping behind her chest.

“Thanks,” she muttered again.

Amethyst chuckled, hesitating for a moment, “I love you, dude. You’re the best friend I’ve ever had,”

Lapis was taken back, as much as the two had bonded over the years they had never before exchanged I love you’s. She found herself smiling wide, and she herself pulled Amethyst into another hug.

“I love you, too”

When the two girls pulled apart, Amethyst smiled and waved at Lapis, “Have fun on your hot date,” she laughed.

“Shut up,” Lapis said indignantly, but found herself laughing too as she left the building. She felt lighter and decided to take Amethyst’s words of advice to heart.

**

By the time Lapis had reached the next town over, she had begun to lose the light feelings of before. She had remembered quite suddenly on the drive over that she was spending the next few hours with _Peridot_ and her mood diminished quickly. She tried to keep the happy, bubbly feeling; she so desperately wanted the light burst of emotion to stay in her chest, yet slowly but surely it fizzled into a mild frustration.

When Lapis had arrived in the larger town she followed her gps to the restaurant, watching as the sun set over head, turning the sky to shades of pink and orange. When she finally arrived she pulled into a busy parking lot, and took a long moment to collect herself. She watched as the sky stared to fade from pink to a deep blue, and stars began to twinkle. When she finally stepped out of the car she was 15 minutes late and the sky was nearly dark. She took a deep breath as she locked her car behind her.

She took out her phone as she walked towards the building and sent Peridot a message assuring her she was still coming, realizing with a bubble of guilt that she had gotten 4 panicked texts from the blonde girl since she was supposed to arrive. She entered the building, feeling heat immediately reach her face, and noticed instantly that she was severely under dressed.

The restaurant was incredibly nice. The staff wore black dress pants and black button ups, with slicked back hair. The guests mirrored this elegance, in suits or floor length dresses that Lapis couldn’t even dream of affording, faces painted with elegant makeup that Lapis didn’t know how to do.

The space was lit by dim chandeliers that hung like clouds overhead and candles that lay on each table. The floors were a dark wood that reflected the soft yellow glow of the fire light and the walls a contrasting deep burgundy. She looked at a couple sitting towards the front, the old man looked at her with displeasure on his face while the woman took a bite of an impossibly small salad. She was adorned with heavy jewels from head to toe that twinkled in the dim light, her tall heels tapping softly on the floors. Lapis swallowed awkwardly as she forced her eyes to look away from the pair, and she found her eyes floating down to her own out of place person.

She got odd stares from a waitress as she eventually approached the front counter. The waitress crinkled her nose as her eyes moved down Lapis’s body, lingering on her ripped jeans. Lapis found herself flushing at the judging stare, and even more embarrassing she could feel herself beginning to sweat.

“Hi,” she stuttered, color continuing to rise in her cheeks as a second waiter walked passed, carrying a sliver tray, only to pause and look down at her clothing, “I’m here with Peridot,” she mumbled, trying to avoid the eyes of the customers and waiters in the building.

The woman gave her another judging stare, her deep brown eyes flicking down Lapis’s person once more as she gestured with a deep brown hand for her to follow.

Lapis did so bashfully, watching the woman’s ponytail swing as she walked quickly to the back of the room. The sound of clicking heels lead the way, and Lapis had to speed walk to keep up with the woman.

They walked through the restaurant, heading far into the back and passing countless judging customers. A family of four with perfectly sculpted curls, of which even the small children seemed to give Lapis a hearty glare. Numerous couples in elegant clothing. A group of older men, who dropped heir heated conversation as Lapis passed to give her a long look. She had barley even passed them when they began to laugh. Lapis stared down at her feet, embarrassed and ready to yell at the blonde who had put her in this situation.

When Lapis finally saw Peridot they had reached the far back and had turned a corner. The way the table had been hidden off from the rest of the customers, just steps from the bathrooms, Lapis assumed had been on purpose. Peridot’s loud voice and bubbly attitude seemed to clash with the very restaurant, and Lapis was sure they would want her as far from customer eyes as possible.

Peridot herself was messing with her phone as Lapis and the waitress approached, an out of character somber expression on her face. Lapis felt a pang of guilt at keeping her waiting while she stared at the sky in her car.

When the blonde looked up from her phone and spotted Lapis walking towards her, her face changed drastically. She smiled toothily at Lapis, waving a pale, freckled hand above her head at Lapis enthusiastically.

“Lapis!” She called loudly with a smile; Lapis noticed a few glares being sent her way from an elderly couple sitting just close enough to the corner of the room so as to see her.

As the waitress left and Lapis sat down Lapis couldn’t fight the urge to let out a small snap, “You didn’t tell me to dress nicely,” she whispered sharply. Peridot closed her mouth with an audible pop, and Lapis noticed her cheeks go pink.

“I, um,” she mumbled, picking at the silky red table cloth between fingers, “I’ve never actually been here before,” she bashfully admitted, and glanced down at Lapis’s chest. The action only added to Lapis’s anger and she felt the urge to argue with the girl further, but before she could open her mouth she noticed Peridot’s own out of place outfit. She too was dressed casually and Lapis bit down her complaints at the sight of her common clothes.

“Why did you want to come here then?” Lapis eventually asked, although she had a feeling she knew the reason. This place, so nice and lavish looking, was probably very respectable and talked about. A local hot spot for dates, if you had the pocket book to allow it. Lapis looked around the room awkwardly, picking at the plush red cushion on the bottom of her seat, and sighed.

“I heard it was nice,” Peridot replied, meekly. Lapis found herself staring blankly at the girl, her chubby cheeks still flushed a soft pink and Lapis noticed with a twinge of distaste that she was sweating. This blatant attempt to take her on a date, even against Lapis’s dismissal, was frustrating and Lapis felt her own cheeks warming out of anger.

She almost opened her mouth to say something, tell Peridot that there was no chance at them ever dating, that Peridot was one of the last people she would ever even want to date, but before she could get anything out a waiter arrived at their table.

He handed each girl a menu with a raised eyebrow, before darting quickly away.

Lapis reminded herself she was trying to have fun tonight, and bit back the insult that still lay on her tongue. Instead she avoided Peridot’s eyes and opened the large menu.

She flipped through the pages, mood worsening at the hefty prices. As she looked through the menu she struggled to find anything worth the money, let alone a reasonable expense for her financial situation, and after forty minutes without a word between herself and Peridot and no waiter anywhere to be seen Lapis gave up.

She let out a heavy sigh, and looked up at Peridot. The girl’s eyes quickly raised at the noise, and even with the orange glare from the candle light on her glasses Lapis locked eyes with Peridot. The blonde had an out of character somber look on her face, frowning deeply as she looked into Lapis’s eyes, and the pink rose on her cheeks once more as Lapis began talking.

“Is there anywhere else we can go?” Lapis whispered to Peridot, “This place kind of sucks,”

Peridot took a moment to respond, pausing to swallow her saliva, “I know Denny’s is open,” she whispered back bashfully.

They exited the building quickly, Peridot trailing closely behind Lapis who practically ran outside, and both girls loaded Peridot’s bike into the back of Lapis’s car.

Peridot gave Lapis directions as she drove, and Lapis tried to lighten the mood, she could feel the discomfort and frustration radiating off of Peridot. She started the conversation, a rare occurrence, telling stories of her roommate and her bosses as they drove down the streets. When the pair had arrived Peridot hopped out of the car and Lapis followed, letting the shorter woman lead the way inside.

“Sorry for that not being good,” Peridot spoke softly as the pair sat down in a booth, “I really wanted to have a good time with you and I should have known not to go somewhere new,”

Lapis opened her mouth to speak, but Peridot continued, speaking so quickly that she began tripping over her words.

“I thought you had blew me off and then I was so excited to see you and it was all a big disaster,” she spat, staring down at the table with her cheeks a bright red. She raised a pale hand to her face, and began rubbing at one of her eyes, starting to curl in on herself around the plastic table and scrunching her eyes shut.

She started to spew more about the night, how poorly it has gone and how upset she was that it hadn’t gone how she’d wanted it to, and Lapis recognized with a brief sense of panic that she had the beginning of tears in her eyes.

Lapis quickly cut the girl off, feeling a deep sense of guilt and empathy washing over her, and reached over the table to grab at one of her arms in what she hoped was a comforting manner.

“It’s alright,” she assured Peridot, softening her voice and stroking at her arm awkwardly, avoiding the peering eyes of the few other customers in the building, “We can still have a good time tonight,” she said softly, trying her best to comfort the girl.

Peridot sniffed loudly, and looked up into Lapis’s face, wiping at her eyes with a balled up fist.

“I don’t care that the other restaurant didn’t work out,” Lapis said a bit more forcefully, and Peridot’s eyes widened, “You’re only gonna make this night worse if you wallow about it. So can we please order some shitty pancakes and have some fun,”

Peridot swallowed loudly, and nodded with an awkward apology. She picked at the corner of her menu with her fingers uncomfortably, and the pair found themselves sitting in a tense silence.

Lapis found herself frustrated once more, but she tried to remember what Amethyst had told her earlier in an attempt to calm herself. She had said she could tell Peridot really liked her, and Lapis herself had unfortunately noticed this as well. Lapis assured herself that Peridot was just upset because what she had planned to be a perfect date hadn’t worked out. Lapis reminded herself that Amethyst had also encouraged her to try to have fun, and Lapis had wanted so dearly for that to work.

Lapis resisted the urge to sigh as the waitress arrived with two plates of pancakes.

“What do you like other than school?” She eventually asked the blonde girl, tired of sitting in uncomfortable silence. After a brief moment of staring Peridot began to talk, articulating her words carefully and with a dull energy.

It took her a bit of time, but before long she had seemingly forgotten about her frustrations at how the night was progressing, falling into one of her monologues.

Lapis struggled to find the rant particularly pleasant, but for the first time she had the knowledge to understand what Peridot was talking about. She spoke about her dog and video games and her garden with the same passion she used when talking about chemicals and electrodes. The enthusiasm she used as she talked made Lapis laugh, her flailing arms and raised volume used for emphasis comical in light of the simple things she talked about.

After a long while Peridot found her speech dwindling, and she in turn asked Lapis what she liked.

As they talked Lapis found the conversation not to be taxing, instead she found Peridot’s enthusiasm funny and her interests comprehensible. They swapped stories, Peridot on a certain lab partner who she had a certain distaste for, Lapis on her roommate and the woman’s wild group of friends.

By the time they had both finished their food they had forgotten about the previous restaurant. They split the check before they left, and upon their exit Lapis found herself in a oddly good mood.

The air outside was cold, and the clouds that she could hardly make out over head in the dim lighting threatened to bring snow but she found herself laughing despite the unpleasant weather as she watched Peridot skip to Lapis’s car.

“What?” She cried indignantly as she looked back at Lapis. Lapis shook her head with a smirk as she approached the old car herself.

When both girls had sat down inside Peridot thanked Lapis for calming her down and talking to her.

“I had fun,” she smiled at Lapis, cheeks flushing slightly when Lapis looked into her eyes.

Lapis ignored her cheeks and nodded in agreement.

After a long moment of silence Peridot spoke again, voice unusually soft as she stared up at the sky, “There’s a park around the corner if you want to stop there for a little bit,” she offered.

The park was even colder than the parking lot, and while the pair had initially tried to talk while on the swings the metal was nearly icy in their hands and they quickly jumped off of them. Instead they found themselves laying in the grass, far warmer than that metal structures of the play ground and Peridot pointed out the few constellations visible through the clouds.

She told the stories behind them, her passion in all things she spoke about returning, and when she had finished with that told about a previous wish to be an astrologer and astronaut when she was a child.

Lapis smiled up at the sky, a loose picture of a tiny Peridot running around in an astronaut Halloween costume in her mind, watching as the moon was lost behind heavy clouds. The pale glow could still be seen behind them, lighting a section of the clouds in a way that added dimension.

As Peridot rambled endlessly next to her she fiddled with the grass she lay on in her hands. It was lush and green from all the recently melted snow, and she pulled at it as she half listened to Peridot’s story.

The two girls stayed like that for a long while, and only pulled themselves up when it finally did start to snow, snowflakes floating down lightly in the soft yet icy breeze.

Peridot gave Lapis directions to her apartment building, and when they arrived Peridot smiled up at her, eyes shining and cheeks flushing.

“Thank you,” she said softly, “I had a lot of fun,”

Lapis smiled back, “I believe you mentioned that I could meet your dog?”

Peridot hesitated for a moment, blinking slowly before lighting up. She called for Lapis to follow her, and she rushed out of the car and darted up the stairs, tripping once or twice as she started. Lapis chuckled, removing Peridot’s bike from her trunk and leaning it up against the bike rack before following.

When she reached the third floor Peridot was waiting impatiently outside of her door, rocking on her heels with a large smile.

“She likes to jump so please push her away if she does,” She warned Lapis with a shrug as she shoved her key into the door, unlocking and opening it.

After a brief moment in which both girls stepped inside a loud bark filled the space, and an orange dog came running from a small room in the back towards the pair. She barked at Lapis and ran towards her full speed, wagging her tail and hopping lightly in front of Lapis, who smiled and leaned over to pet the happy dog. The dog pressed up against Lapis, letting out a few more solitary barks of excitement.

Peridot laughed next to Lapis and upon hearing the noise the dog shifted from Lapis to Peridot, jumping towards the smaller girl with another enthusiastic bark. Lapis remembered hearing that owners and their dogs often looking alike, and while the pair didn’t look all the similar their boundless energy was surely comparable.

Lapis laughed at the pair, Peridot cooing praise to the dog and the dog barking back, before she took a moment to look around the apartment.

From what she could see it was relatively small, a tiny open space with an old box tv and tattered looking couch shoved against one wall, a make shift kitchen and dining room against the other. The kitchen was small and cluttered, full of various pots and pans and a window covered by a pale blue curtain. The dining room, just a step or two away from the kitchen counters, contained a tiny dining table adorned with mint green chairs that popped out against the dim grey of the kitchen behind it.

When Peridot stood back up after petting the dog she smiled at Lapis, and the dog returned to her side for Lapis’s attention. Lapis leaned down to pet the dog once more, running her fingers through the fluffy orange fur, when Peridot started talking again.

“Her name is Pumpkin,” she said as she watched Lapis pet the dog.

“Hi, Pumpkin,” Lapis smiled, laughing when the dog enthusiastically barked in response to her name.

After a few more minutes Lapis stood up again and Peridot offered a wide smile at her.

“Would you like a drink?” She asked, her cheeks pinking ever so slightly.

Lapis shook her head at the offer, as she ignored Peridot’s cheeks for what felt like the thousandth time that night, “I should probably head home. Thank you though,” she smiled, gesturing behind her as she turned to leave. Before she could get a proper step in however she caught sight of something she hadn’t noticed before. A familiar green and white flag hung haphazardly against the wall near the tv.

“Wait,” she mumbled, turning back the quarter inch she had rotated, “Is that a Camp Pining Hearts flag?” She asked, pointing at the cloth with an outstretched finger.

Peridot blinked for a moment before lighting up, “You like that show?” She asked back, voice booming with excitement. She pulled both hands up to her face, tight little fists that shook with energy. Her green eyes widened with a familiar indication of her giddy excitement.

Lapis smiled, “We may have something in common after all,”

Peridot laughed joyously, although the sound could more accurately be called a hoot, and darted to the old couch, Pumpkin barking excitedly as she chased the short woman to the couch, hoping as she went.

Lapis smirked as she slowly followed the excited pair, watching as Peridot dug around through a pile of VHS’s and DVD’s. After a brief moment in which Lapis hopped over the back of the couch to sit, Peridot pulled out what she was looking for and turned to Lapis with a smile.

“Is season three okay?” She asked, eyes shining with excitement. Lapis smiled and nodded.

“I never watch this show at home, my roommate always makes fun of me for liking it,” Lapis bashfully admitted as Peridot pushed the tape into the television.

“Why? It’s amazing,” Peridot asked, voice dropping in pitch as she said it. When the tape stared playing she spun around as she stood to sit down next to Lapis. She placed herself down carefully, and kept a hefty distance from the larger girl.

Lapis shook her head, a lifting feeling rising in her chest at the new development and realization that she now had _something_ to talk to Peridot about.

**

In the end they ended up watching a total of five episodes. They both talked cheerily through them, about the characters and plot points they liked and disliked. Lapis found herself laughing at Peridot’s harsh opinions and loud outbursts but found joy in having something to equally talk about and enjoy with the smaller girl. It also helped to just have someone to talk to about something that she had enjoyed privately for so long. By the time the girls had finished the fifth episode, however, Peridot had started to doze with Pumpkin curled softly against her side, and Lapis realized with a heavy heart that she had to work early the next day.

She got off the couch and turned the television set off, the floors squeaking loudly beneath her, and helped a murmuring Peridot to her feet.

“What?” Peridot asked softly, as Lapis lead her out of the corner acting as a living room. She walked on unsteady feet, leaning on to Lapis for support. When the pair took a step forward Pumpkin lazily got off of the couch to follow.

“Which one is your room?” Lapis asked again, feeling the need to whisper as she walked through the near silent apartment.

Peridot lazily gestured to the door closer the back of the apartment, raising a pale arm to halfheartedly point, and Lapis followed her directions. Peridot leaned fully onto Lapis’s shoulder as the continued walking, her breathing slow and eyes droopy. Lapis normally would have found the touch uncomfortable but instead she found her mind fixating on how drastically different Peridot was acting. Lapis realized as they walked that she had never before seen her truly tired. The slow dreariness of the way she walked, eyes falling closed for long moments, and breathing deep and slow, was something so shockingly contrasting from how Lapis was used to seeing from her. Lapis let herself smirk softly as she thought of how quickly Peridot had crashed, finally rid of her near boundless energy.

When they finally reached Peridot’s bedroom door Lapis shifted her hold on Peridot to open it. Pumpkin cheerily ran past into the room and jumped up onto the unmade bed, curling herself into a circle as she laid down.

As Lapis walked Peridot over to the bed she glanced around the tiny room. Although the lighting was dim Lapis could make out most of the details through the moonlight creeping in through a window.

The walls were covered in posters and pictures of old cartoons and what Lapis assumed was old friends. Textbooks littered the floor, most of them familiar to Lapis, with notebooks and pens between them. A small window was covered by a thin green curtain that matched the quilt that lay on the edge of Peridot’s bed. Near the window was a long white shelf, upon which books were stacked. In between the piles of books was a collection of stuffed animals including a bright green dragon and a smiling purple whale. Lapis smiled at the childish decor as she helped Peridot sit down on her bed.

Peridot took her glasses off, holding them loosely in her fist as she rubbed at her eyes. She yawned and Lapis smiled softly at the blonde girl, turning to leave.

“Goodnight,” she whispered.

“Wait,” Peridot mumbled, reaching across her bed to place her glasses on the night stand that lay on the left side of the bed.

Lapis stopped in her exit as Peridot took her hand in her own. Lapis stared down at their hands, surprised at the gesture and started to pull her hand away. Before she could properly move however, Peridot started talking again, and Lapis found herself distracted, her eyes darting back up to look into the girl’s face.

“Thank you for everything,” Peridot mimicked Lapis’s whispering as she talked and smiled lazily at her, her eyes droopy and half lidded as she locked gazes with Lapis, “I had a lot of fun,”

Lapis nodded, a small smile making its way to her face, “Me too,”

With that Peridot’s hand left her own, and Lapis started to stand up from where she had been squatting down to be at Peridot’s level so she could leave. As she started to move, however, she felt both of Peridot’s hands on her face. Before she could question or pull away she felt herself being pulled towards the girl. Before Lapis could process what was happening she felt soft lips press on to her own.

For a split second time instead seemed to stand still. Lapis’s brain stuttering to a halt and struggling to catch up with itself in response to the touch. The thoughts in her head were clashing and going a mile a minute, too many to process anything around her. Another split second passed before they organized themselves once more.

Lapis’s eyes shot wide open as she realized with horror what was happening. She felt instantly trapped, a sense of compression reaching her chest as Peridot held onto her face and she connected their lips. The softness of Peridot’s touch was lost in translation, instead feeling like a death grip that held Lapis against her.

Everything in Lapis was screaming no. She wasn’t ready for anything remotely near this level of closeness again, and she certainly did not want to be this close with Peridot. She overwhelmingly wanted to pull away, speed home, and never ever come back, but instead found herself frozen still against the blonde girl’s lips.

It felt like ages in which Lapis was frozen stiff with panic, but in actuality it was only a second before Peridot’s own eyes shot open and the blonde girl herself pulled away. She looked startled, and fully awake once again. Color instantly rose in her cheeks as she let out a nervous squeak.

Peridot stood up quickly, a panicked look on her face, eyes wide with nerves.

Lapis took a surprised step backwards upon their separating, brain stuttering to another shocked halt.

“I’m sorry!” Peridot let out loudly, the first real noise in a long while.

It was that abrasive sound that snapped Lapis out of her daze, and she truly made sense of what had just happened. Her chest filled with a rage she hadn’t felt in a long time. Her internal temperature rose dramatically and her breathing came on a little quicker.

She took a step towards Peridot as the feeling continued to fester and grow, and soon she felt words tumbling out of her mouth.

“What the hell is wrong with you?” She found herself shouting, a dramatic glare arriving on her face. Her heart pounded heavily behind her chest as another wave of anger rushed over her. Her mind reminding her again that Peridot had just kissed her.

Upon hearing the noise Peridot stepped backwards and with a squeal fell onto her bed, her eyes widened and her blush deepened.

“You’re fucking insane!” Lapis waved her arms above her head madly as she continued to yell. Feeing a need to move her body in some way as the hot energy of her anger bubbled in her chest.

Lapis briefly registered Pumpkin growling softly from the edge of the bed, standing protectively by Peridot’s lap. She could hardly focus on that though, instead another memory of the feeling of Peridot’s lips on her own went darting across her mind.

Peridot shrunk a little further down in her spot, as Lapis opened her mouth again, “I never even wanted to talk to you in the first place!” She found herself getting louder, and the words falling from Lapis’s mouth threatened to continue. Lapis could feel them bubbling to the surface as she stood there but she instead forced her mouth shut, trying to overcome her rage. She needed to calm down before she had this conversation with Peridot; if she didn’t she was sure she would be working Peridot to tears or worse. She could handle this as an adult, stop talking now and let Peridot down later. On another day when she had regained control of her emotions and running mouth. She found herself shaking, as she took a deep breath in an attempt to compose herself.

Peridot had been sitting silent since Lapis had started shouting, sitting on her bed with a heavy frown as she looked up at Lapis, but when Lapis did not continue yelling she herself spoke up.

“What?” She asked, voice shaky and threatening tears.

The question put a stuttering end to the calm Lapis had began to regain. Instead she was filled with rage once more, Peridot’s voice reminding her of the situation, and the words continued to fall out of her moth without any thought.

“It was all my bosses idea! Talk to the regular! We need the business!” Lapis continued, mocking her bosses voices as she spoke. When she finished yelling she found herself pacing in a small circle, unable to stand still with the amount of energy coursing through her.

“I-“ Peridot began to speak but as Lapis continued to pace no other words came out. Instead Lapis heard her harshly shut her mouth, letting out a shaky whine.

When Lapis had finally finished walking and was facing Peridot once more she tried to hold back, collect herself before she did something regrettable. Instead she found the words tumbling out again upon looking into Peridot’s face.

“I fucking hate you,” she spat, volume decreasing back to normal speaking but the bite worse than it had been since she had started yelling.

Peridot blinked for a moment, shocked, before her expression quickly crumbled completely. She stared crying, long pitiful sobs that she heaved heavily from her chest, the sound echoing through the room. She curled in on herself to wipe at her eyes and let out a chocked breath.

Lapis felt herself snapping out of her rage at the sound. The bubble of anger at having been kissed by Peridot had not left but the weight of her words suddenly caught up with her and when she opened her mouth to try to say something, anything, to fix this nothing would come out. She realized with a terrible feeling of guilt that of all the times Peridot had cried in front of her this was by far the worst. She was practically in hysterics.

Lapis tried once more to say something, an apology resting on the tip of her tongue as she watched Peridot sob into her hands, but found herself choking on the words before she could articulate them. Instead she turned on her heels, running out of the apartment building and down the stairs as fast as she could.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hopefully this long boy will make up for me never updating  
> Also: I will be in Europe for the next two and a half weeks and will not have access to writing. So It'll be a LONG WHILE before I can post again. Sorry but I hope this will hold you over until then.  
> Anyway I hope you enjoyed this! PLEASE leave me a comment letting me know how you felt about this. They are what modivate me to continue. Thank you for reading and have a great day!


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am sooooo sorry this took me so long! My summer was very very busy but I promise I will be uploading as much as I can! Thank you for being patient!!!

The night air was cold. Lapis was grateful. Her entire body felt hot, her cheeks were flushed, her chest a burning flame. Stepping out into the freezing wind outside of Peridot’s apartment building shocked her brain into silence. She was unsure of where she was and why she was there and why she felt so damn hot.

It took her the time to walk to her car to remember that she was angry. Livid. That’s why she felt so hot and her heart was beating so fucking fast.

Another thought crossed her mind as she pulled out of the parking lot and onto the road.

Peridot had kissed her.

In a flurry of panic Lapis slammed on her breaks, unsure of how else to react. The car behind her swerved, honking loudly as it darted into the other lane. Lapis looked with wide eyes as the teenage boy with bleach blonde hair who was driving the car flipped her off as he passed her.

Lapis shook her head, taking her foot off of the breaks and putting it back on to the gas. She took a heavy breath, running a hand through her wild curly hair. She could feel her sweat on her scalp, and she grimaced, wiping her hand on her pants.

Her heart was racing; her mind was rushing. She couldn’t think. She was full of a sense of panic at what had happened, consuming her thoughts and making it increasingly difficult to focus on the road.

She should pull over. That was the first real thought that pulled itself from the jumbled mess of her brain since she had registered what had happened in Peridot’s apartment.

She told herself that over and over again. Repeating it like a mantra as she ignored its meaning and continued to drive. Maybe if she focused on that one thought she could pull herself from her panic briefly enough to get home.

Besides, she thought to herself, if she pulled over now she would only start thinking about it. That would only make her panicked feelings worse.

That brief lapse in focus brought the feeling back again. Peridot’s lips on her own. Peridot’s hands holding her face still. Peridot holding her in place while she violated her.

Lapis swerved into another lane, her mind overwhelming her into being unable to focus on the road once more. The beeping of a car was what snapped her out of it. She straightened her car out, taking a shaky attempt at a deep breath.

You really should pull over, she told herself again.

I can’t, she argued with herself, I need to get home.

Instead she forced herself to focus. Pushing the panic to the back of her mind the best she could to instead focus all of her attention on the road and sidewalks around her.

She watched as the bright lights of store fronts and neon signs reflected off of the few drops of water that had gathered on her windshield from what she assumed had been a light snow. The water borrowed the bright colors, turning bright reds and neon pinks in a mesmerizing and kaleidoscopic way. She found herself staring for a bit too long, mesmerizing herself in the change of colors in an attempt to focus on anything but her internal feelings.

Lapis pried her eyes from the water drops, she needed to focus on the road. She rolled down her windows as she focused back in on the few cars that drove in front of her. She needed to let in the cold air. She was burning hot. Her face was flushed and she was sweating.

The rush of wind filled her ears and brought another calming wave of temperature control. It was another thing to focus on, and she bounced back and forth now between focusing on the road and the stark cold, pushing the suffocating feeling trying to break free as far back as she could.

She had went to a therapist once, but her insurance decided once was enough and they wouldn’t cover it anymore. The lady with cold blue eyes had not been any help to Lapis but she had mentioned something about how diverting her attention from her negative emotions was a bad thing. Lapis found that hard to believe as she finally made her way out of the town and and onto the empty highway connecting her town to this one. Especially as it became significantly harder to distract herself as she left the bustle of the small city.

The road Lapis now drove on was long, winding, and empty. Lapis was alone aside from a startled raccoon whose eyes reflected Lapis’s brights.

She found herself struggling to push the feeling of Peridot’s lips from the forefront of her mind as she drove with no sights to distract herself with. Found herself struggling to keep the steering wheel straight in her shaky hands.

She felt herself begging to panic again. Her breathing came on much quicker, her mind began to scramble. She practically skidded off the road when she was caught unprepared for a turn. A single tire from her car briefly darted off the road and into the dead grass and old snow that littered the side of the road. She overcompensated when she tried to move the car back, swerving across the double yellow lines.

I’m going to die if I don’t pull over, her brain yelled at her.

Lapis continued to speed down the road despite the thought. Overwhelmingly louder than the urge to pull over was the need to get home. When she was home she would be safe. When she was home she could panic as much as she wanted. If she pulled over now she would never get there.

She rolled her windows down a little lower and took the time she spent at a stop light to turn her radio all the way up. She needed to distract herself again.

She forced herself to listen to the music and the rush of wind until she finally reached her own town. Only then did she turn the blaring radio down. But even then, she only did so a little bit. She wasn’t sure she would be able to drive the rest of the way home without the loud distraction anymore. The visual ones were far less reality gripping than this. Than the over played pop song she didn’t like screaming in her ears loud enough to block out her thoughts. When the music and rush of wind got this loud the thoughts in her own head were the background noise. She was finally able to focus in on the road. She was finally able to take a deep, calming breath.

She parked in her usual spot when she got home. Next to Amethyst’s beat up truck in a far corner. She stepped out into the cold once more, although after driving such a long way with the windows down she had become accustomed to it.

The silence of having turned her radio off and stepping into the stillness of night was shocking. Lapis walked into the apartment building with sweaty palms.

To her own surprise she realized that the emotion that she was begging to feel wasn’t be panic of only a moment earlier. She was angry. Furious. The panic she had felt of being kissed had left her completely. In its place was an anger she hadn’t felt in years. An anger so soul consuming she could not focus on anything else.

She had wanted so badly to get better. The first step to tackle was the simple notion of feeling things again. But after that she liked to think she could find someone to start over with. Someone to kiss and not taste the salt of her own tears. To trust with her body without having that trust shattered in the hands of fists thrown in her direction for small mistakes.

It felt like Peridot had stolen that from her. She had listened when Lapis said she wasn’t interested in dating. When Lapis was saying she wasn’t ready to date. She was still scared. Still empty inside. Peridot had listened. And she had taken her on a blatant attempt at a date anyway. She had taken Lapis into her home and kissed her anyway.

She reached her door in a mass crescendo of emotions, the feeling of Peridot’s lips on her own, her hands on either side of her face to pull her in and hold her there ever present in her mind.

She opened the door, more or less slamming it into the wall and began to walk toward her room.

Amethyst sat bolt upright on couch, presumably from where she fell asleep. She looked startled for a moment, and upon seeing Lapis stomping away she hopped to her feet.

“What happened?” She asked, worry present in her voice. Lapis shoved off her hand where she grabbed her arm to talk to her. The grip brought on another wave of anger in Lapis, her cheeks stinging where Peridot had grabbed them.

“Are you okay?” Amethyst asked, her voice rushing, fumbling over her words, as Lapis continued stomping away.

Lapis turned on her heels, cheeks a blazing red and mind a rush of thoughts.

“Not really,” she snapped, her voice holding a bite she hadn’t used in ages, “Now can you please fuck off and leave me alone,”

Amethyst looked shocked, taking a step back with her arms raised in front of her chest.

“Sorry,” she mumbled, her cheeks turning a soft pink. Lapis barley got a chance to look at her expression before she turned again, crossing to her room and slamming the door shut behind her.

**

Lapis couldn’t sleep. Her mind was racing, talking itself in circles. She laid in her bed, staring at the ceiling unable to clear her thoughts. Not even counting the ceiling tiles or listening to her own heart beat was helping.

The comfort of her bed had dissipated for the time being. Her brain to busy working itself up and up and up for her to do much as keep her eyes closed for a minute.

After a few hours of staying awake and thinking she felt her anger slowly fizzle into a overwhelming anxiety. A feeling far worse than the bright hot anger. Instead of being simply frustrated at Peridot, impossibly angry at her for touching her when she wasn’t ready and for not listening to her, she was left immobilized by the feeling of being trapped. She felt Peridot’s hands on her face whenever she thought of the kiss. Felt frozen stiff like she had felt while it was happening. She couldn’t move. She was trapped laying in her bed reliving the kiss over and over again.

She found herself working herself up to tears, so panicked she felt like she couldn’t breathe. She blinked the hot tears away, trying to take a slow breath to calm herself only to be thrown into another loop of reliving the kiss.

By the time Lapis had finally managed to calm herself enough to start to fall asleep her alarm went off. She jumped up from her bed, scared by the unexpected sound.

When she realized what was happening she let out a pitiful whine. Turning the alarm off and lying back down.

She scrunched her eyes shut, trying to fall back into the dreary almost asleep state she had finally manage to obtain just a moment ago but her mind began to swirl again. The compressing feeing of anxiety behind her chest taking hold once more.

Before she could fall into another loop of panic a second alarm went off. Lapis frowned heavily as she forced herself from her bed, taking a deep breath as she stood.

Maybe if she started getting ready she would calm down.

**

Lapis was pleasantly surprised to find this worked. A long shower in which she forced herself to sing along to her playlist momentarily ceased the overwhelming amount of thoughts and feelings and she fell back into her usual dull nothingness. She couldn’t help but feel relieved at the empty feeling in her chest as she hopped back into her car to head to work an entire hour earlier than usual.

It was only when she was pulling into the parking lot did she come to a new horrifying rush of emotions.

As she walked into the cafe only to find it empty and silent she began to feel her heart beat quicken and her palms sweating. She found herself staring at the door, endlessly worried about the possibility that Peridot might show up at the cafe.

Would she show up? Surely she wouldn’t want to see Lapis after she had yelled at her in the way she had. But would she want to explain herself? Apologize with a much too long monologue leaving Lapis all the more angry.

Lapis hated to think she found that quite plausible.

She spent her day on the brink of panic. Her chest felt compressed as she dealt with the few customers who walked in and her heart beat was erratic and fast. Each time the door would jingle announcing a customer she would jump, her heart beat spiking as she became paralyzed by fear.

She couldn’t focus even when there was the distraction of customers. She spilled an americano all over herself instead of handing it to the short and stout man who had ordered it. She stared blankly at a toddler who ran into the cafe unsupervised for the good three minutes it took her parents to arrive, bundled in their matching coats. She couldn’t respond when they asked her if the toddler had done anything while inside.

When she was alone it was all the worse. It was impossible to focus. Her nerves and jumbled brain wouldn’t allow it. Instead her mind was filling with memories of the touch and the idea that Peridot would be arriving in only a mater of time.

She felt nauseous as she looked at the clock, noticing it was almost the time when Peridot would usually wander inside. She considered closing early. Or leaving a sign on the door saying Peridot wasn’t allowed in. Instead she was frozen stiff with fear, staring at the door for almost an hour.

When she finally managed to force herself to move she took a deep breath, running a hand through her messy hair. She sat down, walking into the back room, and focused on breathing.

I’m okay, she told herself.

She forced herself to calm, staring out the window and focusing on the light snowfall outside to distract herself as she breathed. She reminded herself of how long it had been. She tried to assure herself that if Peridot was coming she would have an hour ago.

With a sigh she stood back up, her anxiety diminishing to a small bubble in the back of her mind. She forced herself to distract herself, singing as loudly as she could and mopping the floors over and over again.

Still she found herself checking the door each time she passed it, however. Waiting for that oversized green coat and wind strewn blonde hair to stumble inside. She was filled with another wave of panic at every glance, feeling as if Peridot’s appearance was and inevitable disaster. One that ended in more screaming and perhaps an emotional breakdown.

Lapis found herself going over a thousand different imaginary conversations with Peridot in her head every time she glanced at that door. Some in which she apologized for being so cruel; some in which she only got all the more offensive.

The one conclusion she could properly come to throughout every scenario in her head was that she was altogether not ready to face the blonde yet. Perhaps ever again. How dearly Lapis wished she would just disappear altogether, never come back to the cafe and become a brief blip in Lapis’s ever hectic life.

Time went harrowing slow but Lapis allowed herself to finally take a sigh of relief after another two hours. She put her mop down and sat down at an empty table. Maybe she wouldn’t come after all.

It took a bit more time, but eventually she became positive of this fact. Peridot would have gotten out of classes hours ago. She would have been at the cafe a long time ago had she wanted to come.

Lapis felt so elated and relieved at the thought. She wouldn’t have to deal with Peridot’s presence or whatever apology or excuse she would say. She wouldn’t have to string together her own apology or insult or whatever she would say if she saw her because it wasn’t going to happen.

Lapis felt happy for the first time all day.

She had been so violently angry with Peridot since she had kissed her and so panicked about being touched and the possibility of having to see her that knowing she wasn’t coming brought a massive sense of relief. She found herself smiling as she looked back at the clock.

She only got happier as time passed. She was so emotionally exhausted from the past day that feeling _good_ was so incredible she felt like she could cry tears of joy. Not only was the panic and hurt of before gone, but she felt happy.

She ended up closing early after all. Too excited at feeling so good after the disaster of a day to stay at work. She needed to leave before the feeling dwindled. Perhaps spend the rest of the day with Amethyst. Do anything to keep the bubble warmth in her chest alive.

She texted her bosses a small ‘sorry I was feeling sick and closed’ message before driving home in a blur, music blaring with her windows down. She smiled as she drove down the winding road, a comforting feeling of relief and lightness in her chest.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you again for your patience! The next chapter will be out as soon as I can get it done!  
> As alway thank you for reading! PLEASE leave me a comment! And have a great day!!


	8. Chapter 8

When Lapis arrived home she was met with the strong smell of food. Something savory, that she could hear sizzling in a pan in the kitchen just around the corner. It made her stomach grumble but more importantly it was comforting to hear, notifying her that Amethyst was home and was cooking something. Lapis would have someone to complain to. Someone to laugh with. Hopefully someone to spend the next few hours smoking with. This day didn’t have to be the disaster it had started out as.

She kicked off her shoes as she entered, the lightness in her chest increasing as she did so, and she walked down the short, narrow hallway to the kitchen. Upon her entrance she found Amethyst pushing something around in a pan with a wooden spatula. Steam rose up around her, filling the room with a pleasant smell if a slightly uncomfortable warmth.

She smiled at the sight, feeling so free at the absence of the panic and anger of earlier.

She shuffled into the room, a simple “Hey,” falling from her lips.

At the sound Amethyst put down her wooden spatula quickly, tossing it to the side of the stove. She spun around as she did so, looking at Lapis with a flustered expression.

“What the hell, dude?” She eventually asked, voice forceful as she took a step closer to Lapis. Her face fell from the baffled expression of just a moment earlier to a more scornful one, her eyebrows furrowing.

Lapis was taken back at this, surprised at the unexpected reaction.

“What?” She replied on impulse, voice raising in pitch as she herself took a step backwards.

Amethysts scoffed, rolling her eyes dramatically before turning back around and returning to her cooking. Gripping the spatula tightly enough that her knuckles began to lighten as she continued mixing.

“Remember last night when you totally flipped shit on me for trying to help you,” she snapped back, bite emphasized in her voice.

Lapis’s eyes widened, recalling for the first time since it happened how she had acted towards Amethyst upon her arrival home the night prior.

As the memories flooded back she felt her chest tighten, and her face drop the rest of the way into a small frown. She racked her brain for something to do to fix this but was left empty headed.

Her frown deepened. Yesterday night Amethyst’s pressing for her to speak was infuriating to Lapis. The rage she felt towards Peridot translating into everything she did, inevitably directing towards Amethyst. When Lapis reflected now though her roommate had been nothing but incredible to her. Trying her best to help Lapis in anyway she could. Worrying about her enough to wait in the front room for her to return home. To be filled with concern when Lapis was so apparently not okay. And Lapis had returned the favor by yelling at her; pushing her away to only wallow in her rage and anxiety alone.

She swallowed awkwardly, and took a few steps forward.

“I’m sorry,” she offered softly, unsure of what else to say.

Despite her guilt, it was tempting to try to explain herself and justify her actions. She still felt as if her reaction was fair, even if Amethyst had no way of knowing what had happened. She had been so violated and enraged by Peridot that there really was no other way for her to react. Amethyst shouldn’t have waited for her anyway. It was tempering to yell at Amethyst again and frustratedly assure her that she was in the right the night prior but Lapis knew from experience that Amethyst was more sensitive than she let on. Fights between the two girls were never fun experiences, sometimes lasting weeks where they hardly talked and when they do finally speak once more they shout and throw things at one another. Lapis didn’t want to start an unnecessary fight by snappily justifying herself. Especially right now, when the flutter of panic at what had happened the night prior was just a moment away from bubbling to the surface. Maybe she was selfish but she needed comfort more than ever and biting her tongue was the only way she was going to get it.

Instead of talking more, she waited for Amethyst to reply, watching with wide eyes as she continued to silently mix her food with a deathly harsh grip.

“I was really fucking worried about you,” was what eventually came out. The words cut through the tense air, making Lapis’s pulse pick up for a split second.

Lapis’s frown deepened as she heard the weight of the words. The way Amethyst spoke was so sincere and full of pain. She was really hurting that Lapis had snapped at her. Hurt that Lapis had shoved her off when all she wanted was to help. Lapis felt her chest sink, a dull pain finding its place there. Her urge to fight back floated away, replaced with a heavy sinking feeling that flooded across her chest.

“I’m sorry,” Lapis repeated, taking steps across the small kitchen to close the distance. Her voice lowered with the heartache as she spoke, making the words have a much more sincere tone than before.

Amethyst sighed, finally putting her spatula down for good. She turned the flame of the stove off before finally turning around to look at Lapis. She avoided Lapis’s eyes, but her face no longer held the resentment of before. In its place was a somber look of hurt, deepening the dull pain in Lapis’s chest.

“What happened?” Amethyst eventually asked, raspy voice shaking slightly.

Lapis swallowed nervously, pain being replaced with an anxiety that was bubbling up behind her chest. She felt jittery, and her chest tightened awkwardly.

“She kissed me,” she whispered into the tense air after a long pause. Her heart pounded heavily behind her chest as she spoke, anxiety reaching a harsh crescendo as she recalled the touch.

Amethyst’s eyes widened, and she gasped softly. She finally looked up to lock eyes with Lapis, and her expression fell all the more as she did so.

“Really?” Her voice was a whisper as she spoke.

Lapis frowned, nodding awkwardly as Amethyst stared into her eyes, concern spreading across her face.

“Are you okay?” She asked, voice lowering in volume as she took a final step forward, closing the distance between the two girls as she grabbed onto Lapis’s upper arm to run comforting circles across it.

Lapis laughed, shaking her head as she did so.

“I’ve been freaking out since it happened,”

Amethyst’s frown deepened.

“I’m sorry,”

Lapis shook her head, a small, out of place smile finding its way on to her face “I’m the one who freaked out on you,”

Amethyst smiled loosely back upon seeing Lapis’s smirk as she spoke.

“I think that’s a fair enough reason to,”

**

They moved into Amethyst’s bedroom, taking the steamed vegetables she had been making with them and eating them with their fingers on Amethyst’s bed while Lapis ran over the night prior over. They were wrapped awkwardly together under Amethyst’s heavy lavender duvet, and Lapis leaned her head on Amethyst’s shoulder as she spoke.

Amethyst was usually a terrible lister, she interrupted and laughed too loud, but for once she silenced herself and Lapis talked for close to an hour. She ran through the night in as much detail as she could, from her late entrance to the too fancy restaurant to the tolerable conversations at the park to the fateful end. The story was a rollercoaster of emotions, and Lapis found herself in a flurry of mixed feelings. She was upset still, and she found her hands shaking as she spoke about the good parts. It was incredibly frustrating to acknowledge that she had managed to have some fun with Peridot, even find a mutual interest, with the knowledge of what would happen next. The kiss was so etched into her mind and Lapis couldn’t help but feel anger bubble up in her chest as she spoke. She found her hands shaking and heart racing as she looked back on that terrible moment. How trapped she felt; unable to move frozen stiff with fear, Peridot’s hands holding her in place.

She repeated what she could remember of what she had said to the other woman upon their separation. The anger she felt in that moment fueling her as she quickly went over what had happened. How she had snapped, cussed Peridot out, and made her cry before running away.

When she finally finished the story Amethyst looked at her with sorry eyes. She was silent for a long moment, breathing heavily as she looked into Lapis’s eyes, seemingly trying to find the right words to say.

Eventually she spoke, her voice cracking softly as she cut through the silence.

“That sucks,” was what she finally said.

Lapis frowned, nodding awkwardly and rubbing her hands on the heavy comforter that lay on her outstretched legs.

Amethyst took another pause, taking a shaky breath.

“Is it okay if I give you a hug?”

Lapis looked up into the brown eyes that peered nervously at her, a no already forming on her tongue. But when she looked into her roommate’s eyes, seeing the genuine concern and care that was staring into her own eyes she found tears welling in her eyes on their own accord, and she nodded, pulling Amethyst into herself.

Amethyst rubbed circles on Lapis’s back as she held her softly. Lapis blinked away the tears, so emotionally and physically exhausted that simply being held was more comforting than she was aware was possible. She pulled herself closer, resting her chin on Amethyst’s sturdy shoulders.

“Thank you,” she whispered into the cool air, watching through a window as snow started to fall softly outside.

**

Lapis wasn’t sure how long the two girls stayed like that but when she woke up presumably a few hours later Amethyst was still holding her against her and rubbing small little circles over her lower back.

She blinked away the sleep from her eyes as she finally pulled away and Amethyst smiled loosely at her.

“Have a good cat nap?” She asked, smile reaching her voice.

Lapis nodded back, a small smile of her own creeping onto her face.

“I never actually got to sleep last night,” she admitted.

Amethyst’s smile faltered for a moment before it returned as strongly as ever.

“Well if I’d have known all you needed was to pass out on me I would have barged in your room and bear hugged ya,”

Lapis shook her head, but her smile widened.

“Thank you,” she eventually said, leaning back to rest her head against the wall.

Amethyst smiled, pulling herself over to sit next to Lapis.

“How are you feeling?” She eventually asked, looking up at Lapis with wide eyes.

Lapis frowned, “I’m not sure,”

It was true, Lapis was never good at emotions after waking up. She tended to feel empty until much later, and right now all she wanted was to go back to sleep.

Amethyst nodded, staring blankly at the wall opposite the two girls.

“Did she show up today?” She eventually asked, cutting through the silence. Lapis opened her eyes from where they had closed on their own accord, being pulled by the noise from the beginnings of sleep.

Lapis shook her head after a moment of processing what had been said, “I think I scared her away,”

Amethyst frowned, moving her eyes down to stare at her hands.

“Do you think she’s alright?” She eventually asked, finally looking up to gaze at Lapis.

Lapis faltered, stuttering at the question. She felt the need to be defensive. What should she care how Peridot was doing? She was the one who had been violated.

Instead she furrowed her eyebrows, and waited for Amethyst to elaborate.

Amethyst raised her hands at the look, taking a heavy breath.

“Look, she was a dick and what she did wasn’t cool. But it sounds like she didn’t mean to do it. And you did say that you made her cry at what you said,”

Lapis opened her mouth, the urge to fight back strong. Instead she closed it, deepening her glare and shaking her head with a role of her eyes. She was too tired to argue right now. Too tired to have the tiny bubble of guilt she felt pulled up out of her chest.

“Look, I’m not saying you _have_ to talk to her or anything. But maybe think about texting her and checking up on her?”

Lapis huffed, trying to think of anything to say. A flood of frustrated arguments rushed to the forefront of her mind but instead she sighed again, rolling her eyes again as she looked away from Amethyst.

“Maybe,” she eventually spoke, frustration seeping into her tone. She stood after she spoke, not wanting to hear anything else, letting her exhaustion becoming the new focus in her mind, “I’m going to bed,”

Amethyst laughed, “Night, Laz,”

**

Lapis awoke feeling much more rested, her alarm startling from her sleep. But despite the blaring, obnoxious noise that never failed to fill her with dread she felt good. Nothing was better than sleeping soundly after missing a nights of sleep and Lapis found herself feeling much more lively than normal that morning.

She hit snooze anyway.

When she fully awoke, three more alarms later, she had a text from Sapphire asking if she needed to stay home. While the thought was tempting Lapis often had to make a conscious effort to not skip work, fearing with a bit of prior experience that she may stop showing up at all.

She sent back a thankful yet pained message insisting she was well enough to work.

When she unlocked the cafe, walking in to the empty building with snowy boots and shaking fingers she walked drearily inward. As she turned on the harsh artificial lighting and turned over the small paper sign in the window announcing the cafe to be open she was forced to face the stark stillness of the empty cafe.

Memories of the day prior we’re still fresh in her mind and her anxiety still a festering bubble in her chest. She quickly fell back into the paranoia of the day prior. Surely if Peridot hadn’t shown up yesterday she would today. It was only a mater of time before the girl wandered in. It was hard to focus, even if the paranoia was notably better than it had been the day before.

With the fresh snow of the night before not a soul wandered in all day, and Lapis was left alone to the sound of silence and her erratic heartbeat.

It was only when the afternoon began to fade to the evening and Peridot had still not shown up when Lapis let her paranoia go.

With each day that passed her anxiety revolving Peridot and the kiss and everything that had gone horrible wrong began to fade and Lapis became fairly certain that the blonde girl wasn’t coming back.

Her bosses raised eyebrows when they came in on Thursday but Lapis didn’t know how to explain the situation to them. Wasn’t sure she could. Instead she shoved it off with a little huff of “weird,”.

By the end of the week the cafe had turned back into the stagnant reality of the time before Peridot. Empty, boring, and static.

Lapis managed to calm, the situation still an upsetting one in a large number of ways but far enough back for the feelings to leave the forefront her mind.

She returned more or less back to the routine she had had at the cafe before the blip in time that was Peridot. She spent a lot of time staring at the frozen lake, watching the dry vegetation that had been trying so hard to bloom droop and die. Wishing this would finally be the last snowstorm of the year. Counting the memorized number of 54 ceiling tiles when she inevitably has nothing left to do.

She wished she could say it was comforting. She had wanted so badly for Peridot to simply disappear. It was a thought that had crossed her mind seemingly constantly when she was talked at for hours on end. Yet she found herself staring at a particular empty table mindlessly often. Instinctively starting a black coffee at the jingle of the door bell.

She certainly didn’t miss Peridot. She knew that much at least. She was annoying. Frustrating. Arrogant. And worse of all had violated Lapis and sent her into a spiral of panic.

That wasn’t it.

She was just used to the regularity. Peridot in and of herself had become what working at the cafe had meant to Lapis. Work had transformed from dragging her fingers along the pattern of the counter tops to sitting at that table and trying to feign interest.

It was so eerily silent in the cafe without that constant blabbering.

Lapis found herself thinking about Peridot more than she would like. It was hard not to with how shockingly empty it was. As she became certain Peridot wasn’t coming the awareness of how much of her day she used to spent dreading her appearance became apparent.

She had nothing to do.

The thoughts usually morphed from there. From how silent it was without her to that night. How excited Peridot had been to see Lapis at that horrible restaurant. How frustrated she was that Lapis didn’t like it there. How she excitedly talked about her favorite show. How quickly she had crashed. The childish and undoubtedly Peridot decorated bedroom. How upset she looked when Lapis yelled at her.

Amethyst’s words usually followed this train of thought.

How was Peridot?

Lapis didn’t like to think about this question but found herself doing it a lot with nothing else to do. It often made her angry to think about, she had no feelings for Peridot in any positive sense. She shouldn’t be pondering over her wellbeing. Yet she couldn’t deny that she had been cruel that night. She still felt like she had the higher ground, she was still furiously angry at Peridot, yet she couldn’t let the words she had said go. She couldn’t get Peridot’s hurt expression out of her head. And she couldn’t get that damn question out of her thoughts.

By the time she closed the cafe on Saturday night the topic of Peridot’s wellbeing was consuming her thoughts. Her drive home was filled with a repeated question. A frustrating question that she didn’t want to think on but found herself unable to let go of.

Was Peridot alright?

When Lapis got home she kicked off her shoes, heading straight for her bedroom. She was angry, she didn’t care how Peridot was. She hoped Peridot was upset. She deserved it for what she did.

But an underlying feeling was forcing her to keep thinking about her, making her chest flutter with nerves. She felt bad for what she had said, even if she felt it was well deserved. Peridot was sweet and well intentioned. She didn’t mean to do it.

Lapis shook her head as she crossed her room, telling herself that Peridot didn’t deserved any of Lapis’s empathy. She was the one who had sent Lapis into a panic for days. She was the one who had so directly ignored her wish to not get involved with anyone.

Still Amethyst’s advice was becoming more emphasized in her mind as she flopped down onto her bed. She groaned as she laid flat, glaring at the ceiling.

Should I text her?

Lapis’s immediately shook off the idea. She wanted nothing to do with Peridot. She hated her. Lapis hadn’t done anything that wasn’t well deserved.

Still, her frustrating guilt was increasing as she thought back.

She had been mean. Perhaps more than really was necessary. She had made Peridot cry. Much worse than any of the other times she had cried in front of Lapis.

She shook her head again, trying to force the guilt out of her chest.

She was still mad at Peridot. She shouldn’t be texting her. What if Peridot thought a text from her would mean they were fine? Lapis certainly didn’t want to deal with her again any time soon. And she was sure she wouldn’t be able to hold back her insults if the girl came back assuming that everything was alright.

Lapis huffed a breath of frustration at the thought, but had to admit she found it a bit unrealistic. As much as Peridot was socially inept it would be hard for anyone to simply assume everything was back to normal after what had happened.

What if Peridot didn’t want to hear from her? She had been so mean that it would be understandable if hearing from Lapis would only make her feel worse. Maybe she was mad herself, angry at Lapis for reacting the way she did.

Lapis sat up quickly, trying desperately to shut down her thoughts and the guilt she felt. She _didn’t care_ how Peridot was doing. She didn’t care to find out either. She had finally gotten Peridot out of her life and all she had to do now was cut out thinking about her. She finally didn’t have to deal with any of her bull shit anymore.

A new thought popped up in her head as she sat with her back against the cold wall, louder than the monologue of anger she was forcing herself through.

She should have apologized when she was still in the apartment.

Lapis sighed, pulling her knees up to hug to her chest. She tried one final time to pull at the anger that was still burrowed deep in her stomach to push away the guilt that had been festering in her all week. But she found herself no longer able to access her frustration; instead she was left with the dull ache of painful guilt as her cruel words bounced across her head, Peridot’s heavy sobs echoing back.

She frowned, pulling her knees a small amount closer. She herself felt the urge to cry as she sat there thinking about how cruel she had been, no longer able to push her guilt away.

She pulled her phone out from her back pocket, hands shaking as she unlocked it.

She stared at the home screen with a war waging in head. She deeply wished she didn’t feel this heavy guilt. Wanted more than ever to put her phone down and not think about this again. Even if she couldn’t access the emotion in the moment she was still angry with Peridot. She didn’t want her to think that wasn’t the case.

But overwhelmingly louder was the acknowledgement that she had been unnecessarily cruel. She had let her anger get the better of her when she shouldn’t have.

Lapis sighed, heart sinking as she thought back on her words once more. With a shaky hand she opened her messages, and clicked on Peridot’s number.

As much as she didn’t like her and as much as she was still angry at her Lapis knew what it felt like to be hurt by someone you cared about. Knew how horrible it was. Even if Peridot had made a mistake, and Lapis had no want to forgive her, she knew she had meant no harm. Peridot didn’t deserve to feel that way.

She spent a long while trying to think of anything to say. Typing and deleting countless messages.

When she finally settled on one she sent it before she could change her mind, an overwhelming wave of anxiety filling her chest as a small note of ‘delivered’ marked that the message had been sent.

She took a deep breath, heart pounding with nerves and she read the message back over.

_are you okay?_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> peri i miss writing you please come back  
> Anyway! Thank you as always for reading! It really means a lot to me to know people enjoy my work! PLease leave me a comment! They inspire me to write more! And have an incredible day!


	9. Chapter 9

Lapis was very much regretting her decision as she sat on her bed shaking, staring at her phone screen. The little bubble of blue glared at her and Lapis felt herself sweat under the harsh light of her phone screen.

She stood up quickly as the weight of her decision hit her and she threw her phone across the room into a pile of dirty clothes. As she got up she started pacing around her room, limbs shaking with jittery energy as her mind raced.

What was she thinking? She wasn’t at all prepared to talk to Peridot again. Sure she was guilty, but that wouldn’t stop the inevitable reprise of insults that would occur if she did have to face Peridot again. She was still angry, even if she didn’t feel it in the moment. She never even liked Peridot in the first place.

She was stupid.

She kicked her nightstand as she approached it, frustrated at herself and needing an outlet to in someway release her whirlpool of emotions.

Instead all she managed to do was hurt her toes, bouncing backwards while grabbing her foot and falling to the floor with a loud cry of “Shit!”.

She rubbed at her toes as she laid flat on the floor where she fell onto her back, tears welling up behind her eyes at both her pain and jittery panic.

She was so fucking stupid.

She shut her eyes, focusing on the numbing pain opposed to her erratically beating heart. As she laid still, forcing herself through deep breaths and focusing in on her toes her phone loudly blared, scaring her into an upright position.

Had Peridot responded already? The thought caused Lapis’s already fast pulse to quicken, her aching toes quickly forgotten. What would she say? Would she be mad? Apologetic? Happy?

Lapis didn’t want to check. She didn’t want to know. She wasn’t ready for this. Why has she sent the stupid message in the first place?

Her phone went off again, and Lapis jumped again at the sound. She took a shaky breath as she got to her feet and rushed over to her phone. As much as she didn’t want to know, wasn’t ready for this conversation, not knowing was an even more torturous idea.

She quickly picked up her cell phone, heart hammering inside her chest as she focused her eyes on the two notifications.

She let out a heavy sigh of relief at the messages upon reading them. It wasn’t Peridot who had texted her.

purple slut\- finally done with burning myself trying to make deserts. if you expect me to cook you food you are deeply mistaken

purple slut\- you want pizza or chinese

The sight of the messages and knowledge that it was Amethyst and not Peridot who had texted her was relieving. She wouldn’t have to deal with Peridot yet. Lapis sighed as she unlocked her phone, anxiety subsiding as she responded to her roommate’s messages.

She laid down from where she had stood, resting her feet on top of the pile of clothes. Her heart fluttered awkwardly as she acknowledged that this was just a delay of a response. She stared up at the ceiling, tracing the cracks in the white plaster with her eyes. The thin lines were long since memorized, the patterns familiar. The clumsy tiles might have worried her had she not been so deeply accustomed to the faults in cheep apartment buildings.

Before Lapis could calm herself in the soothing ease of tracing the patterns above her a quick and blurry memory of Peridot’s face, on the brink of tears and scared, of the week before darted across her mind.

Lapis’s face dropped, the memory surprising her back into reality. Her heavy guilt creeped back to the forefront of her mind. As much as she didn’t want to care, as much as the idea of talking to Peridot again filled her with nerves, she couldn’t help but feel as if she had done what was right.

She turned her phone off as she slowly got to her feet, leaving it on top of her bed before crossing her room.

As she left her bedroom she stopped in the kitchen, leaving a scribbled note on the counter. She needed to get out. Go somewhere else and take her mind off of everything hectic that was happening in her life.

_I need to go out. Leaving my phone. I’ll be back soon. -L_

**

Lapis found herself driving to work on impulse. As she turned onto the little two lane highway she sighed. She should have figured a mindless drive would lead her here. As much as she didn’t want to go to the cafe, feared the building would only strengthen her guilt dealing with Peridot, she couldn’t find the energy in her to turn around. Instead she shook her head, rolling her windows down and turning up the radio. Speeding down the long, empty road she let the cold wind ruin her hair and slap at her cheeks.

When she finally turned into the cafe’s tiny parking lot it was dark, and her car’s clock read 11:47. The sky was such a deep shade of blue it almost appeared purple, the lack of proximity to the bustle of the city allowing thousands of tiny stars to twinkle cheerily in the sky.

Lapis stepped out into the cold, shoving her hands into her jacket pockets to keep them warm. She began walking toward the small lake that she had spent countless hours staring at during the mindless hours of work only to never actually visit.

Despite the cold, the snow of Monday night had melted, leaving in its place little bright green plants, trying desperately to grow in the question of early spring.

The weather forecast had said that the long winter was finally ending. That fateful storm the last of its kind this year. Lapis let herself believe that was the case despite the many other times they had said the same thing.

She found a rock big enough for her to sit on and let herself collapse onto it. She grabbed at the frail plants on the sides of it, soft green that struggled desperately to take hold and survive the harsh weather.

Lapis had to force herself not to pull on the little weeds, wanting to give them a chance at life. Instead she merely pet them like sickly dogs, rubbing her fingers over their leaves as she stared into the still water. The lack of movement gave the lake mirror like reflections of the world above it.

Lapis stared down at the blurry copies of the constellations and a somewhat clear copy of herself. She frowned at her image. She looked so tired, the bags under her eyes worse than she recalled them being. Her hair was frizzy from the wind of driving with her windows down and her eyes stared lifelessly down at herself.

She leaned back, removing her likeness from the image on the glass like surface of the water. Instead she rested her elbows on her knees so she could hold her head in her hands.

The focus of her eyes drifted to the night sky copied like a painting on the lake. The constellations winked at her with the mixture of their natural twinkle and the occasional breeze so slight as to only briefly distort the image in front of her.

She stared at the reflection, listening as a lone frog chirped somewhere to her left. Lapis let herself enjoy the sound, perhaps the awkward croak was proof enough of the end of the bitter winter.

She sat until her ears burned from the prolonged exposure to the cold and she could feel her nose flushing. She made her way to stand, ready to leave and warm in her car. Go home and hopefully sleep for a long while. Instead she found her eyes focusing from where they had blurred over while she thought on nothing to the reflection of the night sky ahead.

Instantly her mind jumped back, Peridot’s rant about the night stars as they laid in the grass of the park that night. Lapis frowned at the thought that came and passed so quickly she had to back track to process it. She disliked thinking about the good moments of that night. Disliked thinking about that night in general. But the words danced across her mind without her permission, Peridot’s cheery, squeaky voice flowing like liquid over all of her other thoughts. Hearing her rant, even if she was sure the words were warped and horribly incorrect through her distorted memory of that day, reminded her of a fact she had nearly forgotten in the hectic confusion of the past week.

Peridot held such life in everything she talked about, such loving passion as if the world itself was what gave her so much energy. As much as she had told herself this in wake of the absence of her presence in the cafe, Lapis had forgotten just how pure her energy was. She was undoubtedly fascinated with the world, and spoke of all things as if they were perfect. She found no fault in the world Lapis had found to be so unjustly cruel. Her passion of all things came from an incredibly genuine and innocent sense of love for the world around her.

Lapis was reminded of her initial envy of Peridot upon meeting her. How she had felt jealous of the way she felt so much. How she spoke with such passion while Lapis was left with an empty chest and a harrowing numbness.

Lapis let out a huff of air, smirking at the thought. If only she had known back then how many emotions that tiny blonde would put her through. She pulled her knees up a little higher, running her hands across the fabric of her jeans.

She found herself smiling softly to herself, unsure of exactly why as she finally pulled herself from the rock. She crossed the crunchy grass that stiffened with tiny ice crystals that had begun to form in the continually decreasing temperature of the night.

**

Lapis found great comfort under the warmth of her bed sheets, her phone hidden underneath her dresser before she could even think about turning it back on. The bubble of anxiety she had felt on returning to it again was frustrating, insisting she both turn it on and never look at it again. She opted for leaving it off for now, she would rather not know if Peridot has replied and let herself try to sleep than keep herself up all night checking.

Instead she huddled herself under the covers, letting the cozy warmth invite her into the not quite awake but also not yet asleep state of pure calm.

She stared at her walls through the dark, scratched from a few years of constantly moving furniture and splotchy from old peeling paint that the grouchy landlord insisted no one redo.

She tried to invite herself into the dreary world of sleep, closing her eyes and burrowing herself further into the warmth of her blankets. Instead she found her mind posing a question that startled her into consciousness.

Did she hate Peridot?

As much as her immediate response was yes Lapis found herself questioning the thought. Peridot was impossibly good hearted. While Lapis surely found her frustrating and irritating she didn’t think she could truly  _hate_  her. After all, the fiery guilt that still jumbled in her chest suggested otherwise.

She hoped Peridot was okay, she realized. And as much as the thought of hearing from her again made her anxious and angry and so many emotions she couldn’t place she hoped that Peridot would assure her that she was.

Maybe then Lapis could finally stop thinking about her. Finally stop thinking about that day.

**

When Lapis awoke the next morning she got her first sign of Peridot in nearly a week. After retrieving her phone upon her awakening late morning she hurriedly opened her conversation with Peridot, heart pounding heavily behind her chest.

A simple message under her text declared ‘read 6:17am’. Lapis felt her stomach twist awkwardly, a wave of nausea causing her to grasp at it awkwardly.

Peridot had seen the message. Lapis’s brain stressed this fact in her mind, emphasizing the jittery nerves the little note of ‘read’ gave to her.

A quick glance at the time, nearly noon, did not help her flipping stomach. Peridot hadn’t responded even after several hours. Lapis tossed her phone away from her again, getting up from where she sat on the floor.

**

As much as Lapis attempted to ignore her phone, leave it off and away from her to cease her worrying she found herself constantly returning to it. No longer could she push away her anxieties by turning it off and hiding it under furniture; the knowledge that Peridot had opened the message was too nerve racking to prevent herself from checking.

When she saw the little bubble declaring Peridot to be typing at five in the afternoon this anxiety fueled checking became constantly more. Despite the bubble disappearing only for her not to see it again the simple fact was the same. Peridot had seen it. Peridot had started to reply. Peridot was going to reply.

Amethyst was endlessly frustrated with Lapis and her phone checking. She tried to distract her, with food and jokes and weed the same, but no matter what she did Lapis would end up ignoring her to open her phone before the activity could be properly started. With a huff of frustration and a dramatic roll of her eyes she ended up leaving the apartment at nine, leaving Lapis on her own in the tiny space.

Without the even brief distractions her roommate brought Lapis found herself checking her messages nearly constantly. She was frustrated at herself; at this point expecting a response from Peridot, 14 hours later, was unrealistic.

She forced herself to turn her phone off and put it in her back pocket, ignoring it while she instead vacuumed her bedroom for the first time in well over three months.

Yet even the distraction of cleaning her room was not enough to keep her occupied for long, and when she turned back to her phone at nearly ten she quickly powered it back on.

Upon its powering up she was met with a notification that caused her heartbeat to spike dramatically.

She had a text from her.

She unlocked her phone at the first sign of the message from Peridot lighting up her lock screen. Her chest lurched awkwardly as she pulled up the message.

Peridot\- I believe it is more appropriate for me to ask you that question.

Lapis read the message over several times, eyes moving so quickly she had to make sure she had read correctly. Her hands shook as she stared at the message, unsure of how to respond.

The way Peridot dodged the question only helped in increasing her nerves, her guilt stabbing her sharply in her chest.

Lapis began to type, fingers shaking as she struggled to come up with a reply. She deleted too many messages to count, unsure of how to put her jumbled emotional state into words. Wasn’t sure she could. Wasn’t sure if it was appropriate to say right now when Peridot was clearly still hurting.

Instead she sent the most accurate message she could muster. Fingers typing quickly so she could get the message sent as fast as possible.

_i don’t know_

Lapis’s heart pounded quickly and uncomfortably as the message was sent. She stood on shaky legs from where she had sat on the carpet of her bedroom, walking over to her bed as quickly as she could.

When she looked back down at her phone Peridot had read the message and was composing a reply. Before Lapis could even prepare herself the message was sent, and her breath caught in her throat as her phone buzzed in her hand.

Peridot\- I’m so sorry

Lapis took a shaky breath. Her heart pounded dramatically behind her chest, tears threatening to spill at the amount of swirling emotions that raged behind her chest.

She couldn’t reply. She didn’t know how. She was still angry and her mind filled briefly with hot rage as she reminded herself of this. But the emotion was quickly replaced, the insurmountable guilt she felt overwhelming her. The messages Peridot was sending were dripping with deep pain. Lapis felt that pain back as she read over the messages again. She briefly felt like she could cry at the implied hurt in the words Peridot sent, the tears making their way up her throat where she swallowed them down.

Her whole body shook on her small, uncomfortable bed, her thumbs moving rapidly across her phone screen. She felt panicked, as if her response being sent quickly was a matter of life or death. Her pounding heart and rushing brain only helped to strengthen this urgency and Lapis hit send as soon as she finished typing. 

_i can’t have this conversation like this. can i come over?_

The reply she got was almost instantaneous, the bubble signifying Peridot's typing hardly had a chance to show itself before the message was sent, lighting up Lapis's screen and causing her phone to buzz in her hands. The frantic feeling was seemingly mutual between the two women. 

Peridot\- yes please

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello! Sorry for the short chapter by the next one is gonna be long (and dramatic) enough to do more than make up for it ;)  
> Also! I am still undecided but I may take a short break from this story to write a one shot for Halloween! So it may be a bit until the next update but I promise I will post again as soon as feasible. You can follow me on tumblr (@eightpoundsofhair) to see if I decide if im writing that or not. (Also if you have preference on if I do write a story for Halloween or not feel free to tell me)  
> Anyway! Thank you so much for reading! And PLEASE leave me a comment! They make my day and keep me motivated!  
> And as always have a fantastic day!


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fun caffeine addict drinking game:  
> Drink every time Peridot cries

The metal stairs were rusted over and squeaked underneath Lapis’s feet as she bounded up to the third floor of the apartment building. During the long drive it took her to get here the feeling of urgency pushed her to speed, pushed her to pull into the first empty parking spot she saw, pushed her to dart up the stairs as quickly as she could. But by the time she reached Peridot’s door, the bronze numbers of 304 glaring at her, the feeling began to float away in wake of a new set of emotions. The sight of them, Peridot’s door, brought back the reality of the situation. It crashed down on her, filling her with anxiety that forced out the urgency almost as fast as it had came on in the first place. She stood at the door, her fist balled up ready to knock, feeling a sudden and massive wave of nausea over take her, her stomach twisting.

She stared at the little brown numbers, dull and flat looking with no light to reflect. Lapis’s fist shook as she raised it to knock, distant yet emphasized memories of a week before darting across her mind.

She wasn’t ready to see Peridot again. She didn’t think she ever would be. She should have let Peridot’s disappearance be just that. She should leave now and block Peridot’s number.

Lapis sighed, dropping her fist as she stared blankly at the deep wood. Her mind spun, reminding her with vivid emphasis that it was Peridot who was inside.

Lapis shook her head as the idea of leaving crossed her mind once more. She forced her eyes shut as she stumbled her way through a deep breath, balling her fist up again. No. She needed to do this. After today she would be done with Peridot once and for all. This was the only way she would let go of the storm of emotions that raged behind her head. After this she wouldn’t have to feel any more guilt or anger. She could finally be done with Peridot and the whirlwind of insanity she had brought to Lapis’s life.

Her head spun a little quicker at the thought.

With a sweaty fist balled up all too tightly she rapped on the door, heart rate spiking at each tap of the heavy wood. Three little bangs against the old weathered door. Three stalls and spikes of her heart.

It was deathly silent for a moment, time itself seeming to stop as Lapis’s head spun so quickly she felt as if she could pass out. The stillness of the air around her suffocating her as she momentarily went blind with panic.

The silence only lasted a mere second however, as shortly after knocking Lapis heard a loud crash and even louder barking from inside, waking her up from her dazed and anxious state. She found her nerves easing slightly as she heard the running of feet, both canine and human, towards the door. Lapis could hear Peridot bickering with the dog as they ran seemingly next to each other, amusing her enough to push away some of the debilitating fear. A real startled laugh forced its way out of Lapis’s chest as a loud crash issued against the other side of the door followed by a muffled little squeak of ‘ow’.

Before Lapis could properly be amused at Peridot running into the door, however, it swung open in a bright panic, the barking dog quickly jumping out of the apartment and into Lapis cheerily. Lapis let out another startled chuckle at the paws that jumped up and on to her chest.

But as the dog jumped off, rubbing against Lapis’s leg with a wagging tail, Lapis bent down to pet her. As she did pale feet made their way into Lapis’s vision.

The sight caused Lapis’s heart beat to pick back up to where it had been just a moment before. Her head spun as she ran her hands through soft fur, trying to desperately ignore the sight of Peridot’s frantically tapping feet. The movement was littered in a nervous energy to match Lapis’s own. Lapis could feel Peridot’s eyes on her, burning holes into her head as her feet slowly stilled to a mere shifting of weight from one foot to the other.

Lapis forced herself to look down at the dog, ignoring the stare she could feel on her from Peridot. Her heart beat pounded erratically behind her chest, the weight of the world crashing down upon her as she was forced to accept what was about to happen.

“Hello Pumpkin,” she spoke softly, doing her best to ignore the woman who stood ahead of her, patting the dog’s ears. Pumpkin barked back before darting away into the apartment passed the frazzled looking blonde who stood staring at Lapis with wide eyes in the doorway.

Lapis slowly lifted herself, breath catching in her throat as she locked eyes with Peridot’s green ones. They were puffy and slightly red. She had been crying.

Lapis took a shaky inhale, her breath faltering and fluttering as the two girls stared at each other. Peridot’s puffy eyes caused Lapis’s stomach to flip, the physical evidence of her emotional state causing a deep feeling of pain to spike across her chest, squeezing tightly.

It felt like ages in which they stood, eyes locked, the world stiff and uncomfortable around Lapis and Peridot as they saw each other for the first time in a week.

“Hey,” Lapis eventually said, desperate to cut through the soul shattering silence. But before she could continue, say any of the thousand of things that needed to be said, her brain stuttered to a sharp and abrupt halt, the single syllable seemingly cutting off her ability to think.

Peridot let out a gasping breath at the word, seemingly startled by the noise from the mutual daze. Almost instantly after, she took a stumbling step backwards, making room for Lapis to enter while simultaneously shielding herself behind the heavy door. She clung to it, her knuckles turning white from her harsh grip on the wood. Lapis could hardly see one of her green eyes as she peered nervously around the door to look at Lapis. Only a tuft of blonde hair and a widely staring eye was visible meekly looking out at her.

“Hi,” Peridot squealed back, her voice high pitched and small.

Lapis tried to smile at what of Peridot she could see, an attempt to desperately cut past some of the suffocating tension as she stepped into the apartment. Peridot scrambled to shut the door behind Lapis and Lapis took the time in which Peridot turned past her to do so to take in the sight of her.

Her hair was messy in a way Lapis had never seen before, choppy blonde locks not controlled and styled neatly around her face as she usually had it but loose and frazzled, sticking up widely atop her head. She was in pajamas, loose pants and a large shirt that she practically swam in, starkly contrasting the neat little button ups and carefully ironed sweaters that usually adorned her person. Upon her turning back around her puffy red eyes came back into Lapis’s focus, hidden only by the glare that shined against the glasses hanging loosely on her nose.

Lapis swallowed awkwardly as they fell back into staring at each other. The only difference from before their placement in the room.

The lighting was low, a soft yellow glow that reflected dimly on the deep brown floors on which Peridot rubbed her feet awkwardly back and forth. Lapis found her eyes wandering down, struggling to look into the green of Peridot’s eyes in the current atmosphere.

Yet as she stared down at her own wiggling feet Peridot cleared her voice, causing Lapis to look up and lock their eyes once more.

“Do you need anything? A drink?” Her voice wavered as she spoke, and her eyes quickly darted away to break the eye contact.

Lapis swallowed, stomach tumbling at the sound of Peridot’s voice, void of its usual joyous energy to instead sound dull and dead. It hurt to hear Peridot’s vivid liveliness cut to dead energy because of Lapis. Lapis could hardly focus on the words spoke in light of her tone, she had to force herself to shake her head in response despite the fact that Peridot was not looking at her. In the moments that followed she found her own eyes wandering off of the blonde’s figure. It was nearly impossible to stay looking at each other in the inescapable tenseness that surrounded the room.

It felt like hours in which they blatantly avoided each other’s eyes. The distant sound of a ticking clock overwhelming Lapis’s senses as she tried to swallow down her heart which tried to jump up her throat at every beat. She found herself unable to do anything but listen, jittery and anxious as the heavy sound of near silence filled her senses.

Eventually Lapis managed to sigh heavily, desperate to do something but unable to do anything else. She finally caught Peridot’s gaze at the sound.

As they locked eyes Peridot bit her lip, and quickly darted past Lapis to sit on the couch behind her, taking off her glasses to rub at her eyes on the way. The movement was shocking. The fast pace at which she ran to hide herself from Lapis so contrasting to the horrible stillness of before that Lapis could hardly keep up. A broken sob sounded from somewhere in front of her. The world began to spin behind her head.

She couldn’t do this. She felt the desperate need to cry, her eyes watering and she herself rubbed at them, pushing the wetness away before it could fall out. Her heart slammed against her rib cage with reckless abandon as if the extra blood flow could stop the panic in her chest.

Stronger still was the urge to run. She couldn’t face Peridot. Couldn’t deal with the thousands of emotions and thoughts that mushed together in her brain. She had to leave. Now.

But when Peridot bit back a second broken sob Lapis stopped herself from rushing outside. She forced herself from her daze to fixate her eyes back on Peridot who sat crumbled into herself on the couch, body shaking in a pitiful way.

She had to fix this. Apologizing was the only way she would be able to move past this situation. The only way she could drop Peridot and forget about her. The only way she could get past the debilitating guilt in her chest.

Lapis sighed once more, trying desperately to push away the jittery nerves that made her stomach twist and limbs shake. She herself walked towards the small couch, staring soberly at Peridot who had further curled in on herself, pulling her knees up completely to her chest and placing her head down in between them.

As Lapis sat down next to her Peridot looked up, locking teary eyes with Lapis at the added weight.

“Hi,” Lapis eventually said in a voice she hoped was comforting, unsure of what else to say as Peridot bit back her remaining tears. She tried her best to smile at the teary blonde.

“Hello,” Peridot’s voice cracked as she spoke, lifting a hand to her eyes to wipe away her tears. Despite the meekness in her tone she sat a little taller against the back of the couch. She stared into Lapis’s eyes, pale green shining soberly at her, and ran a hand through the messy blonde locks atop her head as she herself sighed.

The pair drifted into silence once more, both consumed with worry that locked them in a state of wordlessness. Peridot’s eyes darted away, looking away from Lapis to the TV set that sat in front of the couch, biting at her bottom lip once more.

Lapis stared, watching as the world once more drifted into painful silence. She tried to speak up. She had so much she wanted to say. _Needed_ to say. Her mind had been buzzing all week with countless scenarios of this meeting. Countless ways to apologize or insult or do anything but sit uselessly on Peridot’s couch.

It was Peridot who eventually cut through the silence, not moving her eyes as she shrunk a little further into the back of the couch.

“I’m sorry,”

Her voice was a whisper, a soft waver in pitch and tone that stole the breath from Lapis’s lungs. Her voice, despite the fact that it was so soft it could easily have been missed under different circumstances, now cut through the silence violently, sounding loud and off putting for the brief time it was there. Lapis’s stomach flipped at the noise and she found that she couldn’t focus on the meaning, instead she was floating in a hurricane of panicked thoughts as her heart hammered against her chest heavily.

It took Peridot biting back another awkward choke of a sob to snap Lapis out of her flustered daze. All at once she caught up with herself and she was finally able to move past the fact that Peridot had spoke at all. Instead her focus was on the words. Peridot had apologized, her voice threatening tears as she did. And now she was crying. Again. And Lapis was the one who had set her off, too anxious to do anything but sit stiff on the couch.

An apology of her own sat on the edge of her lips as the situation came into focus, collapsing atop her with a heavy weight. Her mind yelled at her to speak, growing increasingly impatient as Lapis sat in stunned silence. That’s why you’re here, her mind yelled at her. That’s why you came. That’s why you’re sitting in this hellish situation. Say it and leave. Say it and leave. Say you’re sorry.

Say _something_.

Instead she found her own eyes watering as her mind honed in on Peridot’s shaking body. She held herself tightly, her head hidden in her knees and her arms wrapped around herself as her shoulders shook from crying. The sight filled Lapis with a painful ache. She hated seeing people cry under any circumstance yet this was all the worse. This time the person crying was doing so because of her. This time she could do nothing but sit uselessly still on the couch.

Peridot looked so fragile, shaking and holding herself as she sobbed quietly on the other side of the couch. While Lapis had seen her cry a handful of times before it was never like this. Even on that night the tears never showed the level of vulnerability Peridot exhibited now. While she had cried from genuine pain then, now her tears held the overwhelmed exhaustion of heartbreak. Her posture and soft, heaving tears were enough evidence to show Peridot’s turmoil had been long lasting. Seeing Peridot so dramatically broken down hurt Lapis more than she ever would have anticipated and as consequence her own want to cry worsened.

Yet she did nothing but sit dumbly for a long while, unable to do anything but stay frozen while her eyes burned. It was almost worse than watching Peridot cry; her body’s refusal to let her help the situation in anyway bringing her all the closer to tears.

She felt like she was being torn apart at the seams. Lapis, emotionless, empty Lapis, could hardly imagine what this felt like for the sensitive Peridot.

Lapis had never had a fight like this before. Usually her augments were full of screaming and thrown fists, settled through insults and violence. Never before had Lapis been left without a shield of anger to protect herself from the horrible feeling that took hold within her chest.

When she finally managed to move she had to force herself to. With tremendous effort she leaned over, wrapping a shaking arm around Peridot’s back. Pulling the smaller woman into herself she rubbed what she hoped was a comforting circle onto Peridot‘s back.

The touch was uncomfortable for Lapis, made her forget about her guilt and sadness momentarily to instead wish to shove Peridot away. Physical touch was something Lapis constantly struggled with, found horrifying in most contexts, but in the current moment it was all she could think to do. So she shoved back her fears for the time being to instead comfort. In light of the fierce and painful emotions Peridot displayed a hug was the least she could do.

Peridot leaned into Lapis almost instantly, dropping her glasses where they had hung loosely in her fist onto the coffee table that sat, cluttered and slightly off center, in front of the couch. In their place she turned to loosely grab at Lapis’s shoulders, pulling herself tightly into Lapis’s chest. She heaved heavy sobs into the cloth of Lapis’s shirt, shaking heavily.

Lapis brain swirled behind her head. An overwhelming lack of clarity that made it hard to focus on much of anything and she sat dully, uncomfortable and recoiling at Peridot’s touch wishing once more to leave. Instead she closed her eyes, taking a long, shaky breath as she pulled Peridot mutually into her chest.

It was Peridot who pulled away in the end, not even half a minute later, all but jumping halfway across the couch and rubbing her eyes desperately as she spoke through broken sobs. She picked her glasses up as she moved, grabbing them from where they sat on the brown table. She fiddled with them awkwardly in her hands for a few moments, rubbing the glass against her shirt as she choked back tears, before softly and carefully putting them back on.

“I’m so sorry,” she choked, eyes closed and frown heavy as she slowly began to calm. She turned away from Lapis, hiding her face behind balled fists that rubbed desperately at her eyes. Lapis found herself staring with wide eyes as she watched the blonde try to desperately compose herself. Lapis could hardly suppress a whimper of her own as she watched the small woman hide herself from her, trying desperately to hold back her tears. Her guilt was causing havoc, holding her tightly in its grasp; squeezing her chest and bringing forth a pain incredibly unexpected.

“I’m sorry too,”

The words came out so quickly that Lapis almost didn’t realize it was herself who had said them. The surprise of hearing herself speak was shocking yet she felt some of the tightness in her chest dissipate instantly upon speaking.

Yet the surprise was quickly forgotten as the room was deathly still for a moment. Lapis held her breath as she waited for Peridot to respond.

When she did she slowly turned to lock eyes with Lapis, a watery gaze and a trembling lip painting her face.

“Lapis-“ Peridot started after a heavy breath. She sounded deflated. Defeated. Lapis realized in an instant that she didn’t believe her. Hot panic flooded her mind in an instant and she quickly began to talk again.

“I really am,” Lapis interrupted, scooting herself a little closer, heart pounding heavily in her chest, “I shouldn’t have said what I did,” she swallowed anxiously, placing a shaking hand on Peridot’s thigh.

Her green eyes sparkled dimly in the low light, darting down to glance at the hand resting softly on her leg before quickly flicking back up to once again lock eyes with Lapis. Lapis’s breath caught in her throat as Peridot lifted herself a little higher, eyebrows softening.

When she finally spoke she was whispering, looking up at Lapis with wide, nervous eyes.

“Did you mean it?”

Her tone was different this time. Less of that horrible ever present hurt and more of a slim glimpse of hope. Yet Lapis could still read the sadness in her eyes and she found her head spinning again. Anxiety forced its way up to her throat as she stared into the soft green, glossy and exhausted.

She needed to speak. Now more than ever her words, or lack thereof, held incredible significance and she tried to get herself to say something. Now was the time to fix this situation and end her overwhelming guilt. A forceful utterance of no crossed her frazzled brain as Peridot stared with a hopeful glance.

But Lapis couldn’t find the way to form the words. In a way felt just as guilty doing so when for so long she genuinely _had_ felt that way. Even now she wasn’t sure if her new found appreciation for the girl was even real or just a side effect of guilt.

Still, she felt herself want to cry again as Peridot’s brief glimpse of hope crumbled back to a hopeless heartache in wake of the silence.

Peridot let out a forced laugh as her expression warped and she crumpled in on herself as her raspy giggles fell to tears.

“I’m so stupid,” she muttered into her hands.

The words cut at Lapis like knives.

Lapis pulled Peridot back into her, closing the distance between them once again as she held the sobbing girl close to her. She put her chin atop Peridot’s head, rubbing circles into her back as she breathed heavily into the messy blonde locks.

As much as she wanted to cry in that moment she found herself unable to. She was emotionally exhausted from all the pain she had dealt with thus far and her eyes wouldn’t even properly water at the ache in her chest. And as she held the shaky girl, listening to her quiet whimpers, she felt as if it wasn’t her place to be crying. She had caused all this hurt, both for herself and Peridot. Now was not the time for self pity but to comfort. As she slowly rocked Peridot back and forth in her hold she found herself finally able to talk.

“I don’t hate you, Peridot,”

She let the sentence settle in the tense air, float down to the floor like a thick dust as Peridot’s sniffles lessened and she instead rested tired and shaking against Lapis’s chest.

“I don’t think I ever did. I just,” Lapis trailed off, unsure of what to say.

Peridot let out a heavy breath and she leaned a little closer into Lapis.

“But you don’t like me either,” she finished for Lapis, her voice shockingly void of any clear sense of feeling. Just a dull hint of tiredness that did little to lessen the hurt that had settled in the hollows of Lapis’s chest.

Lapis sighed herself, rubbing another soft circle against Peridot’s back.

“I’m sorry,” was all Lapis managed.

Peridot pulled herself up again, the bags under her eyes becoming the new focal point of Lapis’s attention.

Peridot shook her head, “ _I’m_ sorry,”

Lapis swallowed. It felt like the conversation was ending. Like Lapis could take the time to leave and exit Peridot’s life once and for all.

Lapis tried to get herself to do so. Peridot had stopped crying, she had apologized and while the situation was by no means rectified, Lapis had had no intentions for it to be in the first place. She had simply wanted to apologize so she could get over her guilt.

Yet at the sight of Peridot, deflated and upset she found herself breaking down and she fell into herself, suddenly overwhelmed by feelings she had not anticipated.

Out of nowhere the idea of breaking ties with Peridot was upsetting. Perhaps it was just the look in her eyes, Peridot’s transparency in any and all emotions overwhelmingly powerful in the current moment. The raw pain and sadness that seeped through her person and gravitated towards Lapis drawing out her already prevalent guilt and making the idea of leaving miserable. Or maybe it was something else entirely. Lapis had spent the past week spending a large amount of her time thinking about Peridot. How eerily empty the cafe was without her. Her innocent, pure passion for life that filled the space around her. In Lapis’s guilt and in light of a brief relief from interaction she had come to some sort of peace with Peridot. Maybe she had even missed her in an odd way.

Whatever it was Lapis could not be certain. All she knew was that suddenly she was hunched over, her head in her hands as she let out her own gasping sobs. She choked on her breath, the sight of green so uncharacteristically locked in a state of pain filling her mind and untimely worsening the feeling in her chest.

Somewhere besides her Peridot whimpered herself and Lapis could feel her worm her way closer to her on the couch. Lapis took a long breath as she sat up, trying to stop the onslaught of tears. She sniffled loudly and wiped at her face sharply before glancing up to look at Peridot.

She sat on her knees, posture stiff as she held a hand awkwardly outstretched towards Lapis, as if she had gone to touch but then stopped in her trails. With a quick spike of pain across her chest Lapis realized that was likely what _had_ happened. Peridot had come to comfort but pulled away before she could, scared of touching Lapis and repeating the situation that had caused the disaster they had found themselves in.

Peridot, despite all the unnecessary heartache Lapis has put her through, came to comfort Lapis on first instinct, likely only stopping for fear of upsetting her. Lapis choked on her sobs at the thought. Peridot was perhaps the most good intentioned person she had ever met and Lapis had only bothered to complain about her and dislike her and hurt her.

She tried to compose herself, leaning towards Peridot as she took gasping breaths. Overwhelmed and desperate to somehow fix all that she had done she opened her mouth, speaking the only think she could think to.

“I’m so sorry,” Lapis choked, wiping at her eyes and shaking her head. Through the blur of tears Lapis could see Peridot wiggling her feet from underneath her, her own breath mimicking the raspiness that came from crying.

Lapis opened her mouth to speak again but the sight of Peridot’s face, eyes full of tears and lip pouted in a clear expression of sadness, set her off again.

Peridot breathed loudly, raising shaking arms again towards Lapis before hesitating. Softly, she cut through the quiet, her voice nervous and small.

“Can I hug you?”

Lapis nodded, tears stopping their trail down her face once more as she grabbed Peridot herself, pulling her into her chest.

Peridot held Lapis softly and with mildly shaking arms, rubbing soft circles in a delicate grip clearly meant to be as comforting as possible. The softness starkly contrasted the tight grasp Peridot held when she was the one being comforted. While Lapis managed to get little actual comfort out of the the touch the message behind the action was too sweet to leave Lapis crying. Peridot’s clear want and effort to help Lapis despite everything that had happened between them was an act so kind hearted that Lapis slowly began to calm, slowly pulling the woman closer to her.

As Peridot held her, shaky and soft, the pain within Lapis lessened, if only slightly. Perhaps the hug was more comforting than she had initially acknowledged, even if the comfort came less from the touch and more from the meaning behind Peridot’s soft embrace. Behind her shoulder Lapis could see out of the kitchen window where stars twinkled brightly, showing off their light without the obstruction of the much too frequent clouds. Peridot burrowed her head in Lapis’s shoulder all the while, never stopping the softly traced circles on her back.

“Are you okay?” Peridot eventually whispered and Lapis nodded in response, noting that the sound of tears no longer clouded Peridot’s voice. She felt a brief feeling of relief at that and finally allowed herself to pull away from Peridot. Peridot slowly unwrapped her arms at Lapis’s movement and upon their separation both girls scooted away from each other to opposite ends of the couch.

They stared at one another for a long while, eyes locked in a mutual exchange. Peridot frowned, not in the intense and wildly expressive way of earlier but in a way that seemed almost too tired to express at all. It was barely detectable, masked by the dull look of exhaustion as her eyes eventually darted away from Lapis to look elsewhere. Her awkward and nervous avoidance of eye contact was surprisingly telling, however, and Lapis’s frown deepened, her chest sinking once again into its endless pit of guilt.

Yet before Lapis could let her guilt ravage her mind Peridot’s expression crumbled; all at once she was tearful again, not yet crying but looking miserably down at herself in a way that hurt all the same as if she had. Clearly she was on the verge of tears from the quick watering of her eyes and the sudden raspiness of her breathing. Lapis’s own breath caught in her throat as she looked upon Peridot who moved to wipe at her eyes.

Lapis moved to react, scooting forward ready to comfort once more. Yet before she could move to speak or even properly acknowledge the squeezing compression in her chest Peridot whimpered and ran a hand through her hair, sitting up to talk herself.

“I’m so sorry,” she whispered, voice breaking as her eyes once more flickered up to look at Lapis.

Lapis’s breath caught in her throat at the teary remark. She scooted a little closer to the woman who stared with wide, wet eyes. Her heart ached horribly at the sight. Peridot was so disheveled, so violently out of character. It hurt to see the happy, energetic soul torn down to nothing but heartache.

In light of the sight Lapis could hardly find it in herself to stay mad about everything that had gone wrong that night a week before. Peridot’s emotional state was evidence enough that the act held no wicked intentions. Lapis straightened herself up against the couch.

“I forgive you,” Lapis whispered, looking into sparkling green with all the sincerity she could muster.

Silence filled the apartment for a brief moment following. Yet Lapis could tell her response was heard as Peridot’s eyes suddenly widened and she sat a little taller. She went to speak, pushing herself a little farther away as she did, raising her hands as she did.

“It’s okay!” She quickly remarked, eyes darting back towards Lapis as she rapidly began to talk, “I shouldn’t have cried so much,” she muttered presumably to herself and Lapis let out a little half laugh at the comment.

“I mean,” Peridot continued, eyes wide from the unexpected laugh, voice raised in a somewhat confident air as she seemingly collected her thoughts, “You don’t have to forgive me. I don’t expect it after what I did,” Slowly Peridot’s pace began to fall from her rapid blurb of words; the nervous energy completely gone, replaced by a somber self pity, “You don’t have to pretend to like me. I understand if you don’t want to see me again,”

It took Lapis a moment to process those words. Their tone burned into her brain, Peridot actively avoiding her gaze as her words dripped in the evidence of hurt. As Lapis caught up, the weight of the words caused her eyes to tear, she rushed to think of something to say to fix the situation.

Yet as she opened her mouth to speak, the beginning of some affirmation on her lips, Peridot cut her off quickly, talking with a renewed sense of urgency.

“I don’t deserve your forgiveness. What I did was awful. I knew you weren’t okay with dating or anything but,” as she trailed off the last of her quick and assuring tone floated away, her face crumpling with it. She bawled her fists up before sighing, speaking once more, “I was stupid enough to kiss you anyway,”

Lapis took a shaky breath at the words, watching as Peridot crumbled in upon herself, knees pulled up to her chest as she leaned against the arm of the couch. She fiddled with her fingers as she did, eyes glossy as she looked down on herself. Her chest heaved heavily, as if she were crying but trying to hold it back.

Lapis slowly moved forward, placing a hand softly and carefully atop one of Peridot’s knees, the touch causing her soft green eyes to dart up to look at her.

“Peridot,” Lapis started, staring into the watery eyes that stared up at her, “I know you weren’t trying to hurt me. You were half asleep when you did it,” Lapis laughed, waving her hand above her head for emphasis as she smiled at Peridot.

Lapis paused, unsure of what else to say. The silence was tense and Lapis worried Peridot would fall back into sobs, yet slowly the girl appeared to calm. She pulled herself up slightly, glancing down at the hand that rest on her knee with soft eyes.

“I’m sorry I reacted the way I did,” Lapis eventually let out, a mere whisper into the tiny room. Peridot’s eyes darted up at the noise and the girls merely looked at each other for a moment. As they locked eyes Peridot slowly raised a hand of her own, placing it softly atop Lapis’s.

“I did have a lot of fun with you that night,” Lapis continued after a moment of staring into emerald green, “before,”

Lapis’s eyes darted away then, realizing all at once she had said too much. She quickly pulled her hand away as she waited in anticipation for Peridot to respond.

When she did it was in a broken laugh, exhausted and all too upset.

“Before I ruined everything,” she spoke, voice teary once more. Lapis looked back upon her, frowning more as Peridot pulled her face down into her hands, letting out a few exhausted sobs.

Lapis swallowed awkwardly at the words, staring at Peridot’s shaky body. Never before had she heard Peridot talk like this. Peridot was often egotistical, proud of her smarts and grades and not afraid to boast about it. Yet on this night she kept falling back on self deprecating statements. Hearing Peridot, excitable, proud Peridot, talking in such a way hurt more than Lapis could begin to understand. Peridot’s insecurity, showing itself for the first time when she was broken down and vulnerable, made Lapis’s breath pick up and her heart pound heavier against her chest. Her eyes watered and she whimpered a soft, pitiful sound as she pushed the tears back.

Lapis realized that she really didn’t know much about Peridot at all. The parts she did know were warped by a want to be left alone and a jealousy for the strong emotions that Peridot lived with. They hadn’t even know each other long enough for the winter to end and Lapis had acted as if she knew all there was to learn. Had predetermined a dislike for her before they had even gotten to know each other.

“Peridot,” Lapis whined, placing her hand back atop her knee, “I’m sorry,”

Peridot sighed at the words, her broken sobbing gasps lessening and eventually stopping altogether as she sat up to look at the hand on her knee. With a shaky hand of her own she reached down to grip it tightly, using her other to wipe at the tears that still occasionally fell from her eyes. Her lip furrowed as she rubbed her thumb across the surface of Lapis’s hand.

“I _really_ like you,”

Peridot spoke softly, voice shaky and pained as she continued to rub soft circles across the surface of Lapis’s hand. Lapis’s heart hammered behind her chest at the words. Peridot sounded broken, the words full of a despair that cut at Lapis.

Peridot looked down at where their hands touched, face somber and wistful. The confession was heart breaking under the circumstances that surrounded its come to be. It hurt horribly.

Lapis took a shaky breath, a sound minuet but clearly well heard as Peridot’s eyes broke their gaze to snap up into Lapis’s.

“I,” Lapis started, struggling to find any words to say, “don’t like you that way but,” she trailed off again, lost in thought.

She had never anticipated the conversation going this way. Whenever she had imagined the inevitable conversation it was left on bad terms. Be it Lapis cursing Peridot out once more or simply apologizing only to disappear from Peridot’s life forever she had never fully rectified the situation. Yet when she had arrived and started talking with the blonde girl she struggled to leave. Couldn’t bear herself to leave Peridot broken down and hurting and alone in her apartment for any longer.

Peridot was kind hearted, perhaps too much so for her own good at times, but all the same her loving nature was undeniable. She didn’t deserve to be left deserted and hysterical. She didn’t deserve to feel as horrible as Lapis had felt for so many years of her life.

And maybe Lapis had begun to feel panicked at the idea of losing Peridot herself. They weren’t friends, not real ones anyway, but Lapis was accustomed to Peridot in her day to day life. Work had become so horribly empty without her and her kind soul had begun to mean something to Lapis. And so with shaky hands she spoke, gaining confidence from seemingly nowhere.

“Can we start over?”

Peridot and herself locked eyes. The green remained in their expression for a moment, sad and glossy, yet as Lapis’s words settled in the air she let out a small puff of air and a weak, yet visible smile.

“I would like that,” Peridot replied, the small, timid smile reaching her voice. Lapis smiled back, overwhelmed in too many way to work out but undeniably happy at the reaction.

Lapis laughed as she spoke, weak and broken from emotional exhaustion, “Yeah?”

“Yeah,” Peridot’s smile widened, her eyes gaining back some of the sweet look of life as she spoke.

**

The girls had little time to celebrate their newfound peace. Both were emotionally and physically exhausted from the near three hours of pain they had endured and they quickly calmed from their giddy laughs and a quick hug to a heavy exhaustion. As Lapis finally managed to stand to leave, not without a shake of her head that it was so easy to do so now, Peridot offered to let Lapis spend the night. Lapis almost refused, ready to head home after the ordeal, but decided against it. She was too tired to make the drive.

Things were not all better after their agreement, however. As Peridot lead Lapis to her bedroom she did so with shaky limbs, jittery from easily readable nerves. The invitation was clearly a courtesy and Peridot was very wary of Lapis as they entered the room.

She eyed Lapis carefully, watching her steps intently as Lapis slowly began to follow, her feet feeling heavy. Holding herself shockingly still as she waited at the door, opening it completely for where it was cracked as Lapis approached, it was clear she closely monitored herself as well. Her actions deliberate and focused on, Peridot was seemingly nervous to accidentally insult Lapis while half asleep again.

She nervously offered to set up an air mattress as the two girls entered the room, a tired quip of “I know I have one somewhere,” falling from her lips as the pair stared at the fluffy orange dog fast asleep atop Peridot’s bed.

Yet both girls were too tired to move and too nervous of upsetting the other to speak so they did nothing but stare at the plush mattress for a long while. At first the stiff silence was uncomfortable, both girls ignoring one another and lost in thought, but before long the reason for their silence shifted; their respective feelings faded, making room for the powerful grip of sleepiness. It was hard to stay nervous when you were that utterly exhausted and wanted nothing more than to fall into bed. And so the tension slowly ceased as the girls shifted from waiting for the other to move to falling into daydreams, hardly awake at all.

As Peridot yawned, swaying awkwardly on her heels as she snapped out of her daze Lapis shook her head to wake herself up as well. She looked down at Peridot, who stared back up with eyes no longer wide from anxiety, before sighing and letting herself fall forwards onto the bed.

“I let you sleep in my bed. Now you have to return the favor,”

Peridot laughed at that, startled from her sleepy daze at the sudden movement and the disgruntled bark of Pumpkin, “Touché,”

Peridot laughed again a moment later, the sound only slightly warped by anxiety and sadness, as she went to turn out the lights. When she returned she slowly pulled herself into the bed, careful to keep a large space between the two girls.

Lapis worried momentarily that Peridot would be too nervous to sleep, or worse she would start crying again, but Peridot fell asleep in a matter of moments. Within a few minutes of her falling asleep she began to move close to Lapis so as to cuddle her head against Lapis’s chest. She snored softly, breathing heavy and relaxed, and she gripped softly at the cloth of Lapis’s shirt as she dreamt. Under the circumstances Lapis could not find it in herself to be bothered by the touch and she merely smiled, glad Peridot was calm enough to sleep.

She herself relaxed, eyes blinking closed now that she was not worried for Peridot’s well being. She buried a hand into Peridot’s hair, rubbing at her scalp loosely as she herself fell into the welcomed embrace of sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oof that took me a hot minute. This chapter was for some reason a pain in the ass to write and I honestly had moments where it felt like I would never finish it. So thank you all for being amazingly patient with me! I understand that it was a long wait!  
> However I also want to thank you for all your kind comments on all the previous chapters! Your nice words are what kept me going through the rough writing.  
> anyway, as always thank you very much for reading! PLEASE leave me a comment! And have a great day!


	11. Chapter 11

The next time Lapis saw Peridot was five days later.

By then, early on Wednesday morning, Lapis had lost the feeling that seeing Peridot again was inevitable. After having left her apartment when she was still sleeping early Saturday morning she had expected to get a text from her sometime that day. While it’s continents were different each time Lapis imagined it she had felt that receiving a text from Peridot was a certainty. It never came, however, and despite the fact that Lapis should have felt good about the righted wrongs of their meeting Peridot’s silence made her tense. Amethyst laughed at her, “Hey, she’s finally giving you some space,” but tried her best to calm Lapis regardless. After all, Lapis was more than a bit shaken up by their conversation.

Both girls were positive that Lapis would see Peridot at the cafe by Monday. The thought had both calmed Lapis and inspired new anxieties in a myriad of ways but she had never once doubted the idea that Peridot would show. So when she didn’t Lapis expected at least a text from Peridot but that one never came either. The next day, then, Lapis had told herself but the days kept coming and Peridot kept not. And after four days of nothing she had given up the notion of seeing Peridot again.

Lapis wasn’t upset per say. After the conclusion of their tearful meeting she had been hopeful at the idea of starting fresh, yet her enthusiasm gradually faded as she was met with nothing but radio static. She found that in wake of the current situation the nerves initially aroused did not grow as she would have suspected but waned and began to fade away. If anything she began to feel soothed by the silence.

Besides, Peridot and herself had not left on bad terms so Lapis could not find any reason to worry about her. And as much as Lapis had anticipated her reaching out she had never really _wanted_ her too.

The more she thought on it the more Lapis realized that she was grateful Peridot hadn’t acted on their agreement. Maybe they wouldn’t have to start over after all. Lapis couldn’t help but feel glad at the idea. Despite her brief anxiety of Peridot’s silence her own guilt had disappeared practically over night leaving in its place bitter memories of her past with Peridot.

On occasion whatever guilt, or at least something reminiscent the distant and unpleasant feeling, did remain would manage to sneak up on her, the silence of the cafe becoming suffocating in remembrance of what it had once been like before. Yet the feeling always left nearly as quickly as it had come and following its disappearance Lapis could hardly even compare it to the fiery guilt of before. Unpleasant as the feeling was Lapis cared less about Peridot and more about the fact that she was alone. She was simply bored. And as her eyes found that little white table, just off to her right, she could hardly feel lonely; the memories of Peridot’s unpleasant rants floating across her consciousness reminding her that she was better off without her. More often the realization brought forth a sigh of relief and a consequential thought: Peridot really wasn’t coming back after all.

It really was a nice idea. Lapis had managed to rectify the situation despite how badly she had mangled it in the first place and now that Peridot and the horrible guilt she had inspired in Lapis was gone she could go back to her life. That had been her intention in the first place, anyway. There was no use getting upset about something she had desperately wished for so many times before.

Needless to say she was shocked still when Peridot did walk in.

The ringing of the bronze bell interrupted her mindless daze and upon looking up she was met with overpowering green.

With locked eyes Peridot stood stiff in the door and Lapis behind the counter. The sight caused Lapis to gasp and she felt her hands start to shake slightly; she hadn’t expected to see Peridot again after the past few days and her suddenly arrival made her feel like she was being dunked in cold water.

Lapis took a deep breath, noting Peridot’s appearance. It was a mild relief to realize she looked almost back to normal. Her pants were neatly ironed, white button up done all the way up, hair styled neatly around her face. She was put back together and looked so much better than Lapis had imagined she would when they crossed paths again. The physical manifestation of her emotional turmoil that had presented itself to Lapis on Friday night had become so heavily emphasized in her mind that Lapis had not been able get the image out of her brain, had expected nothing else when they met again. But in wake of Peridot’s current appearance that fumbling mess of a girl seemed only a distant and unpleasant memory.

Despite her dress, however, Peridot’s nerves made themselves apparent in her gaze. Her wide eyed look almost implying she hadn’t expected to see Lapis at all. Lapis almost could have laughed at the expression had she not been so surprised herself. Upon a shifting of Lapis’s glance it became apparent that the bags that hung below her eyes had yet to lift, dark little half circles that contrasted her pale skin. Although they were less prominent than they had been days before they still hung heavily below her eyes.

Lapis couldn’t help but notice as the time ticked on that it was deathly silent, the cafe’s normal eerie quiet announcing itself proudly in the uncomfortable air. The quiet, however, stealing Lapis’s attention for a brief moment, distracted Lapis from simply looking and she suddenly realized just how long the two had been staring shocked at the sight of the other. It felt like ages, hours, and while Lapis knew that that could not have been the case she wouldn’t doubt it being upwards of a minute. They were both quite literally stalled in their tracks, so flustered by the sight of the other that the girls had lost track of the real world. Peridot was even still standing stiff in the doorway, its glass being held open by her body.

Despite herself Lapis tried to joke, finding it the only way she could deal with the unforgiving and unbearably tense environment, laughing as she finally cut through the still, silent air.

“Well are you going to come in?” She asked, hoping her joking tone carried the way she wanted it to, welcoming rather than insulting. She could hardly tell, though, as Peridot’s expression merely shifted from transfixed to surprised. Lapis couldn’t dwell on it as she watched Peridot react, however, coughing as she glanced around the room, awakened from her daze. Lapis took a breath, rocking back on her heels as Peridot woke up.

As much as the idea of Peridot’s total disappearance had been comforting to Lapis, as much as she had wished for it really, she would be lying if she said she wasn’t glad to see her again. While Lapis found her unbearably irritating her kind demeanor had become quite pleasant to Lapis of late and being able to check up on her, even if it was only one last time, seemingly put back together was a comforting thing. Any remnants of guilt, caused by loneliness or other less explored reasons, could finally be soothed. The idea of truly befriending Peridot was nothing Lapis wanted to strive for, made her frustrated in advance, but the knowledge that she was okay was, for the time being, enough to make up for it.

Before Peridot could respond, or even remove herself from the doorway, Lapis turned on her heels, leaving her collecting herself while Lapis started making a simple black coffee, a drink she hadn’t made in over a week. She was almost shocked to discover that she could still make it by muscle memory but she could hardly focus on the discovery as she listened to Peridot shuffle across the room. The soft ringing of the bell after a few moments of soft stuttering announcing that the door had swung closed once and for all, closing off the cafe from the cold air from outside. The soft pitter patter of her feet across the hardwood floor that followed proving Peridot had not simply ran as Lapis finished with the drink.

Lapis began to walk over to the tiny table carefully as she heard Peridot sit down. She held the white ceramic cup tightly in her hands, realizing as she walked that she was still shaking. She put the drink down on the table slowly when she made it across the room, doing her best to steady it from her jittery hands. As she moved Peridot and herself made eye contact once again, Peridot looking down at the cup before quickly glancing upwards to look at her. Lapis swallowed as Peridot broke their gaze not a moment later, taking the seat across from her.

For a heavy and unbearable moment silence floated around them once more, making the uncomfortable situation all the more prevalent to Lapis. She could hardly bear to look at Peridot in the air, instead choosing to wait for her to say anything to ease the tenseness. Whenever she had managed to look at Peridot, however, Peridot would look away quickly, inadvertently making the fact that she had been staring all the more obvious, to bite at her lip. She would then fixate herself on the world outside of the large glass windows to her right where the ground had finally begun to turn a pale green.

Lapis couldn’t help but feel as if she was suffocating on Peridot’s silence as the two ignored one another. It was as if they had taken several steps backwards in their progress and it’s uncomfortable air reminded Lapis of the silence that seemed similarly strong when she had first entered Peridot’s home on Friday. The only notable difference was that now the silence should not have occurred. Lapis never anticipated that things could be so horribly tense between them after they had seemingly made up.

Regardless Lapis huffed a heavy breath, realizing that Peridot would not likely say anything unless Lapis had first. With shaking hands she cleared her throat, catching Peridot’s gaze properly for the first time since she had entered.

“I thought you had given up on me,” Lapis laughed, trying her best to joke with Peridot. It felt out of place in the air but it was the only thing she knew how to do. It was better than focusing on the flustered feeling of her gut, encouraged by Peridot’s utter refusal to acknowledge her.

Peridot simply swallowed in response, however. Glancing away as quickly as she had looked upon Lapis in the first place she began to fiddle with her hands and Lapis could see her taking heavy, uneven breaths.

The sight, and the fact that Peridot continued to do nothing but ignore her, shifted the nerves in Lapis’s stomach before she could really process the feeling. All at once she was hot with anger and she found herself huffing a breath of disgust in response as she stared at Peridot who continued to gaze out the windows.

Peridot was the one who had come back to the cafe in the first place. Lapis had had no choice in the matter. She was simply doing her job and Peridot had decided to come back and see her again. The least she could do was say something. Lapis hadn’t even really wanted to start over with her anyway. She had been perfectly fine to drop her, especially on the good terms that she had tried so hard to achieve. She shouldn’t have to do all the work to fix things all over again.

Lapis almost began to say something, almost began to rip down the treaties of peace and curse Peridot out all over again, but Peridot’s gaze finally glanced back towards Lapis before she could. Her eyes, glassy and shiny with the beginning of tears, spoke countless words of apologies. And when Peridot bit back a half sob Lapis realized that Peridot was trying to fix things. She was just more hurt than Lapis ever had been. She was just upset.

Lapis was frustrated for a moment more at the sight, upset at the prospect of having to deal with Peridot’s tears once again, but found that she could no longer bring herself to be truly angry. Peridot was sensitive as it was, Lapis could hardly blame her for still being upset after everything that had happened. She forced herself to breathe, composing herself and forcing back what frustrations tried to bubble still to the forefront of her mind before scooting her chair around the table so she sat next to the blonde girl.

“Hey,” she whispered, as she reached Peridot, hoping to comfort the girl that tried to hold back her sobs. Peridot let out another choked gasp at the noise, however, hiding her face in her hands as she did so, and Lapis scooted closer, placing a hand loosely on her back, “You alright?”

Peridot leaned into the touch, taking heavy breaths as she wiped her eyes in an attempt to calm herself. She was slow to actually stop her crying and Lapis ran soothing circles across her lower back until she nodded weakly, forcing her eyes shut but no longer crying.

“Sorry,” she squeaked.

Lapis smiled loosely in what she hoped was a comforting way, despite the fact that Peridot could not see her, speaking softly as she pulled her hand away, “It’s okay,”

Lapis stood up as Peridot finished composing herself, sniffling and rubbing at her face as her eyes blinked open. Lapis pulled her chair back to its proper place across the table, watching Peridot carefully as she went. All the while Lapis watched Peridot reach down to grab her backpack from the floor, clearing her throat as she did. She began fiddling with it as she held it atop her lap in a way that revealed her nerves, shaky hands messing with the fabric in a useless, paranoid fashion. As Lapis sat Peridot unzipped the largest pocket of her bag, speaking softly as if more to herself than Lapis.

“Sorry,”

Lapis found herself unable to respond, and instead watched as Peridot rummaged with the contents of her bag, beginning to pull out a textbook before putting it back to fiddle with something else. Lapis could tell that Peridot was messing with things on purpose, trying to do something else other than speak to Lapis, but couldn’t find it in herself to say anything.

As the stretch of silence drew on Lapis found herself getting frustrated once more at Peridot’s lack of attempting to hold a conversation. She felt herself scowling slightly as she leaned further back in her chair to cross her arms, watching as Peridot dug around in her bag. Although Lapis understood that Peridot was simply uncomfortable and nervous it didn’t make dealing with the silence any more easy or watching Peridot fiddle with school work any more tolerable.

When Peridot finally pulled a textbook from her bag and placed it upon the table and nervously opened it to flip through the pages, however, Lapis forced herself to push the feeling away. While Lapis couldn’t help but feel like she had to pick up the pieces for Peridot when she didn’t really want to, she knew that Peridot would make an effort. Was making an effort. Even if it took Peridot a while to collect herself and speak Lapis could tell she was trying simply by being here. Even if it didn’t feel a lot like it right now.

So, reluctantly Lapis leaned across the table, gesturing down to the page Peridot had flipped open to.

“Are you gonna fill me in on what I missed?”

Peridot looked up at that, pausing only for a moment to let the words settle in the uncomfortable air, her eyebrows furrowed, “Do you want me to?”

Lapis faltered for a second, stunned at the unexpected response, but she pulled a fake smile out before she could change her mind.

“Sure,” she lied, as while she didn’t actually care what Peridot would say, would probably hate herself for edging her on later, it was all she could think to do. Besides, she tried to reason with herself, it would be better than sitting here and getting mad at Peridot for not talking.

It took a little more coaxing but Peridot slowly started to talk. Although Lapis could tell that her enthusiasm was lacking and that there were other things on Peridot’s mind she considered the slow and thought out explanation on cell membranes a step in the right direction.

Yet Lapis couldn’t help but focus on the fact that Peridot’s voice was dull and lackluster. Her explanation, while something Lapis knew for a fact to be something Peridot found very interesting, seemed forced. Peridot talked slowly, as if she thought carefully about each word before she said them. Her eyes glanced over the pages as if asking them for answers, something that Lapis had never seen her do before. Usually her rants were spoken so enthusiastically that Peridot never even flipped pages, speaking with great detail on full chapters of her book from memory. Hearing Peridot talk so forced was as out of character for Peridot as she had been that previous Friday night. And when Lapis really contemplated it, zoning out Peridot’s voice to think, maybe even more so.

At least then Peridot continued to hold some aspect of her over the top personality; her sensitivity and emotional state highly emphasized even if in a heartbroken state. Now, however, she seemed dull and empty in a way that resembled more of Lapis than herself.

It was nerve racking. Unsettling.

So much so that Lapis didn’t even notice at first that Peridot had stopped taking and was simply looking at her, eyes teary.

All at once she caught up with the world around her. The sight of Peridot, looking at her on the brink of breakdown, waking her up from her daze and Lapis took a quick gasp of air at the sight.

“I’m-“ Lapis started quickly, an apology making its way out of her mouth as she realized that she had been ignoring the fragile girl.

But before Lapis could finish Peridot stood, shoving her book into her bag before she had even closed its pages.

“I should go,” Peridot said, voice wavering and hands shaking. She turned on her heels as she said it, pulling her backpack that hung open on her shoulders up as she quickly made her way towards the door.

“Wait,” Lapis called, standing up herself to follow as Peridot practically ran across the room.

But the glass door swung open, the jingling of a bell announcing Peridot’s departure.

Lapis tried to get herself to follow Peridot outside, properly apologize, but she couldn’t get herself to move as the door swung closed. All she could do was stare out the large windows as Peridot roughly pulled her bike away from where it was leaned against a pole, wiping her eyes all the while.

**

Lapis couldn’t get herself to move for well over a minute. She simply watched as Peridot left the parking lot, still wiping her eyes as she wobbled away on her green bike. Even when she pulled out of the cafe parking lot, taking the highway that pulled her out of Lapis’s current field of vision Lapis found herself unable to move, frozen in place.

She could hardly manage to place any individual thought, could hardly manage to focus on anything but the world in front of her. The grass, turned a pleasant shade of green following the melting of the majority of the last snow, was tussled softly by the wind in a mesmerizing way. Lapis found herself staring, mind a blur of tangled thoughts and emotions, letting the blades’ synchronized dance hypnotize her. It was better than trying to sort out the thoughts in her head.

Yet Lapis’s focus was broken by a crow, flying from overhead to the grass, landing gracefully yet startling Lapis awake from her daze. She blinked heavily, watching momentarily as the bird began to walk towards the parking lot, before she finally moved from her spot, huffing a heavy breath of air as she sat down at one of the tables. As she sat she ran her hands through her hair, mind still a fumbling mess despite the fact that she was more or less out of her daze now. Yet she could hardly begin to pull her shaky hands down before she felt the need to push her face into them, overwhelmed as the silence that she had been experiencing from her brain came to an abrupt end.

Suddenly it was wildly alive, removed from the shock of the situation to instead mock her, taunting and jabbing as it rambled on to itself. You had finally managed to fix something only to go an ruin it again, it jeered. Why would you even think you could make things right? You’re too stupid to even get her to stay for ten minutes.

It was unbearable to hear. The self sabotage overpowered her senses and made it impossibly hard for Lapis to do anything but listen. Eventually she crumbled in on herself atop the cold surface of the table, trying desperately to shift her focus to anything but the biting words in her head.

Eventually it worked and Lapis managed to silence her thoughts once more. In their place she was left tired and cold like the surface beneath her face. The feelings lulled her to close her eyes, wishing for the sweet comfort of sleep. She stayed like that, laid across the cool surface of the table with her eyes closed off to the world around her, until the door swung open behind her, the bell announcing the presence of someone else.

The sound startled Lapis from her daze, and she found herself sitting up quickly, her cheeks flushed from the cold of the table. As she stood she was shocked to see that the sun was beginning to set outside.

**

Lapis closed shop a few hours early after having finished helping the customer, a flustered looking man who made a great scene over the fact that Lapis had been half asleep when he had walked in. The conversation was irritating but Lapis’s thoughts were too clouded for her to really care. In trying to shut down her negative thoughts she had seemingly shut down most thoughts and she instead felt fuzzy and confused, almost as if she were sleeping. The long and dragging sentences the man was speaking to her didn’t help, instead they only made her head all the more flustered and she forced herself to finish his drink as fast as she could so he would just stop talking.

When he had left, not without a few more belittling comments, Lapis darted to the back room, forcing on her coat before she made her way outside.

**

It was late that night when Lapis finally decided to send Peridot a text.

The events of the day had refused to leave her mind, emphasizing themselves to her as Lapis’s mind realigned itself on the drive home.

On the way she discovered that she was overwhelmingly frustrated at the situation. Angry at herself for destroying the peace that she had worked so hard to achieve and at Peridot for reacting so strongly to something so minor. But Lapis also found that she was still wholly upset, eyes watering slightly as her internal, angry rant came to an end.

She really _had_ wanted things to work out between them. She _had_ wanted to start over. Even if she had tried to tell herself she hadn’t when Peridot never showed up. And so Lapis, sick with guilt and anxious at the prospect of ending their relationship on bad terms after all, sent a message.

_im so sorry for ignoring you today. i didnt mean to, I was just nervous and couldnt stop thinking. i really do want to start over._

**

Peridot never ended up replying. A little note of ‘read 5:36am’ hung beneath the text announcing that the message had been received, even if at an ungodly hour of the day, but by the time Lapis had arrived at the cafe early the next morning she still hadn’t received any response.

Lapis would have felt bad, especially now that she was fairly certain that Peridot would stay away for good, but she found herself more angry than before. She couldn’t forgive herself for what happened, even if the majority of her felt that she hadn’t really done anything wrong, and it was hard to shoo the thoughts away when she found herself staring at the little white table in front of her.

Yet Lapis was never good at emotions in the morning. And so she used that to her advantage, pushing back the flurry of hurt and upset by bribing out her grogginess. If she could focus on that she wouldn’t have to feel so poorly. At least not right now.

And while Lapis’s various feelings did start to emphasize themselves as the day went on they hardly had time to settle. Lapis wouldn’t let them, instead busying herself with cleaning the floor and kicking around a solitary coffee bean that she had found while sweeping so she wouldn’t have to deal with them. By early afternoon any feelings she could have felt about Peridot would have disappeared had the girl herself not walked into the cafe.

Lapis gasped at the sight, locking eyes with Peridot’s as the girl entered. Lapis had never considered that Peridot might show back up, had not even began to ponder the situation, she had merely assumed that the girl would want nothing to do with her. Yet Peridot walked in regardless, the straps of her backpack held tightly in her fists as she did so. Leave it up to Peridot to disappear when Lapis expected her and show up when she didn’t.

Lapis racked her brain for something to say, an apology or joke, but before she could even begin to compose a draft of what to say Peridot opened her mouth, speaking rapidly as she walked towards the counter.

“I’m sorry I didn’t reply to your message. I didn’t know what to say. And I’m sorry for overreacting, too. I’m still all upset,” Peridot said, eyes squinting as she moved her hands rapidly. She spoke so fast Lapis could hardly understand her, the sentences tumbling into one another as Peridot took the few remaining steps forward. When she reached the counter she took a heavy breath, finally finishing speaking to breathe, looking down at her hands as she did with furrowed eyebrows. She opened her mouth to start all over again.

Lapis cut her off before she could, however, “Hey, it’s alright,” she started, interrupting the bringing of another panicked statement, coming out from behind the counter to cross the remaining distance between them, her hands raised, “I’m sorry, too,”

Peridot took a heavy breath, finally looking back up into Lapis’s eyes. She looked flustered, wide eyed and breathing heavily, but already she looked more together than she had the day before. Her bags had again reduced, their darkness muted and nearly gone altogether, and she no longer looked as if she was moments away from tears. Even if she looked frantic, upset by the failed attempt at reconciliation of the day prior, she no longer held the hint of emotional instability of the day before. Lapis found herself comforted by the sight and the nerves that bloomed in her chest were eased enough for her to let out a little laugh.

“Wanna start over again?”

Peridot swallowed at that, eyes growing wide at the question. She took a step back, too, fumbling on her feet as she stared, shocked back at Lapis. Her expression and reaction, so animated, would have made Lapis laugh under different circumstances but now they simply helped to sooth her nerves. Peridot was beginning to act like herself again.

“Really?” Peridot eventually asked, voice a whisper as she stared up at Lapis hopefully.

Lapis simply nodded in response, smirking slightly as Peridot smiled back at her.

**

A brief moment of joy followed where Peridot chuckled half heartedly, yet the feeling transitioned back into tense feeling of yesterday seamlessly. Suddenly Peridot’s laughing turned awkward, and she avoided looking at Lapis to instead look at the floor, picking at her fingernails. The sharp and sudden shift was unexpected and promptly undid the soothing of Lapis’s nerves Peridot’s reactions had done just moments before to instead boil in Lapis’s stomach once more. She had promptly turned around to make Peridot’s coffee instead of speaking, unwilling to deal with the situation, as she instead racked her brain for anything she could say to make the air less tense.

Yet as she reached Peridot, setting the ceramic down gently next to her on the table, she found her mind blank. Lapis found her thoughts swimming as she stared nervously at Peridot, watching the girl pick at her backpack with nerves as she had done the day before. The atmosphere was miserable and Lapis found herself unable to focus on anything but getting Peridot talking after a few moments of sitting in it and so she again pushed Peridot to talk about school, a joking promise of ‘I’ll listen this time’ falling from her lips as Peridot blinked back at her.

Yet Peridot was reluctant, even more so than the day before, as she pulled open her book and began to speak. Lapis could tell from the way she eyed Lapis, wide eyes flicking to her every once to check that Lapis was still watching. From the way she flipped through the pages, taking the time to hold heavy silence in front of Lapis. Lapis held her lack of enthusiasm down to the fact that yesterday had gone so poorly, although something in her could tell that that was not the case, and she pushed Peridot again when she stopped flipping pages but had not begun to talk. Eventually Peridot complied and began talking, yet her words were clearly forced, tone dull and sentences spoken slowly.

Lapis found herself growing all the more anxious as Peridot spoke. She tapped her feet beneath the table as she stared at the blonde, whose eyebrows furrowed momentarily as she stared down at the heavy pages of her textbook. And just as the day before, in wake of Peridot’s horribly out of character words, Lapis’s mind began to wander. Her focus shifted from Peridot’s words to the frequent pauses when Peridot simply looked down at the book, furrowing her brow intently before she picked up again even more forced than before.

Lapis felt herself shaking as she stared, watching as Peridot seemingly thought quite intently on something during one of her pauses, eyebrows furrowed sharply as her eyes danced back and forth at the pages. Yet unlike the other long pauses Peridot had created earlier this particular silence did not end with a continuation of her words but a heavy sigh and Lapis’s eyes finally caught Peridot’s as she looked up from the book for the first time since she had started talking.

“Are we gonna ever have a real conversation about everything?” she asked suddenly, cutting through the silence. Her voice was oddly strong, stronger than Lapis had heard it in weeks. The sharpness of her tone, sure of herself and seemingly mildly annoyed, held so much more life than it had mere moments ago and Lapis was momentarily shocked by the sudden expression of emotion. Yet she could hardly allow herself to catch up before she found herself reacting, words tumbling from her mouth before she could think about them.

“What do you mean?” Lapis replied rapidly, feeling somehow insulted by Peridot’s words and tone of voice. It caused her own words to be sharp and insulting as she continued, “Didn’t we already talk things over for several hours on Friday night?”

It took Peridot a moment to react, eyes widening as Lapis narrowed her own. When she did she squeaked, leaning back in her chair nervously as her eyes began to shine with the beginnings of tears. Lapis found herself backpedaling immediately at the sight, realizing that Peridot had meant no harm, even if Lapis didn’t understand what she was trying to say. The tone of her initial words, while out of place and snippy, was less annoyed than exasperated. And once again Lapis couldn’t get herself to think before she began to go on defense.

“Sorry,” Lapis breathed, as quickly as she had caught up with herself, hoping her tone was less harsh than it had been moments ago. Supposedly it had been, as Peridot took a shaky breath, one that Lapis had learned to realize she was calming herself, and blinked away the waterworks. Lapis took a long breath herself, forcing down the bubble of frustration that had swelled at Peridot’s words to try and instead understand her, “Sorry, just,” she sighed, running a hand through her hair, “What do you mean?”

Peridot took a few seconds to respond, breathing slowly and avoiding Lapis‘s gaze as she finished collecting herself. She looked down at the textbook underneath her, eyes blinking slowly as she pushed back her remaining tears and chest moving slowly as she took heavy breaths. She swallowed when she had finally begun to calm, glancing back up at Lapis and clearing her throat before she could speak.

“We can’t just pretend things are gonna be the same again,” she spoke, voice soft and wavering slightly as she started but smoothing itself out and gaining confidence as she continued.

Lapis let the words hang in the open for a moment, processing the statement as she starred into Peridot’s eyes. She opened her mouth to reply after a moment but closed it when she realized she didn’t know what to say. She felt the need to argue with Peridot, annoyed by the feeling that Peridot was blaming her for their failures to properly make up, but when she took a moment to think she couldn’t help but agree with her; ‘starting over’ in this was felt wrong. It was unbearably awkward trying to recreate the past and act as if nothing had happened. Especially when it had become common knowledge that Lapis didn’t exactly enjoy Peridot’s schooling.

When Lapis did not reply, closing her mouth to instead listen, Peridot began to speak again, glancing around her as she moved to fill the silence and elaborate.

“And I just feel like,” Peridot started, voice picking up speed as she got herself going once more, “You don’t have to try to be my friend. I know you don’t really like me and I feel like I pressured you into this whole starting over thing,”

As she talked her quickness began to fade and her tone fell flat. Her enthusiasm turned into something else entirely. The tone of her voice mixed with the hurt way she looked down upon herself told Lapis that Peridot had hardly begun to heal at all. She had just been pulling herself together in an attempt to do so.

She was dripping in self pity in that moment. Wholly ready and prepared for Lapis to give up on her, if not snap at her and reopen the wounds that she had not yet had time to heal. The sight was unbearably painful and Lapis found her own eyes wanting to water as she stared.

“Peridot,” Lapis nearly whispered, wanting desperately to fix this and help Peridot. She reached across the table as she spoke, taking Peridot’s hand in her own as she began to speak once more, “I promise you that you didn’t pressure me into this,”

Peridot looked up at that, eyes jumping from where she had looked down at their touching hands to once more gaze into Lapis’s. Despite the tears in her eyes her eyebrows raised from where they had furrowed into a hopefully expression. Lapis felt herself releasing a breath she hadn’t know she had been holding at the sight, smiling softly as Peridot gently rotated her hand so as to grip Lapis’s. Interlocking their fingers she squeezed Lapis’s hand momentarily before releasing the pressure.

“I do want to start over,” Lapis assured her, “I promise,”

Peridot took a shaky breath, wide, watery eyes staring into Lapis’s, “You sure?”

Lapis laughed softly in response, nodding her head as she ran her thumb across the surface of Peridot’s hand, “Can we try once more at this starting over thing?”

Peridot laughed and despite the tears in her eyes Lapis could tell it was the first real smile she had seen from her in the past two days, “Yeah,” she sighed, wiping at her eyes, “I would like that,”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lol the next chapter will be less angsty I promise  
> Anyways! I have some news! I got a lead in my school play!! While this is very exciting for me starting next week I will have rehearsals every day for a few months. This is gonna greatly decrease the amount of time I have to write so updates will probably be pretty slow and I may take a hiatus within the coming months as well. If you want updates on all that you can follow my tumblr (@eightpoundsofhair) where I'll make any announcements regarding my schedule.  
> Anyways! As always thank you so much for reading! PLEASE leave me a comment! And have a great day!


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Longest chapter yet boyyys

In the short while before Peridot left the cafe that Thursday Lapis and Peridot had agreed that trying to start over at the cafe was destined to fail. The building had been the basis of their relationship and the only place they had spent any significant amount of time together. And while Peridot told Lapis that she had grown to love the cafe as a place to study she admitted that coming back felt wrong. It was like they were trying to force away the past and start over fully, as if they had never met. Yet doing so was impossible, they agreed, followed by Peridot bashfully admitting that as much as she had wanted to start over completely she couldn’t get the idea that Lapis hadn’t enjoyed their time together at the cafe out of her mind.

So they decided to try to become proper friends elsewhere. Figured it was the only chance they had at achieving that goal.

Right before Peridot left they decided to meet again that Sunday, when Lapis didn’t work and Peridot had no classes, and while the remainder of their meeting at the cafe was incredibly short Lapis found herself in a lightened mood. It was that same optimistic feeling she had felt upon leaving Peridot’s apartment on Friday; the prospect of righting a wrong and achieving a proper friendship providing a pleasant feeling that made her feel secure and warm in the chest. Yet this time the feeling, unlike the similarly colored one of days before, was shockingly vivid.

Maybe it was because she wasn’t overwhelmingly tired; no where near the emotional exhaustion of last time. Maybe it was the fact that Peridot and herself had agreed that if starting over this time didn’t work again that they weren’t compatible as friends, not real ones anyway. Maybe it was the simple fact that they had already tried before. Whatever it was Lapis could hardly take the time to ponder.

She felt so overwhelmingly good. Relieved to an incredible extent and shockingly excited; the idea of starting over properly filling her with an unmatched sense of hopefulness. The out of character feeling was incredibly refreshing in wake of the anxieties of before and Lapis wouldn’t let herself so much as begin to think on it’s deeper origins in case the feeling should wander.

Instead she stared as Peridot rode away on her bike, across the parking lot and up into the green hills to the right of the cafe until she was out of view, too far away to be seen properly and covered by the curves of the landscape or the occasional tree anyways, fully removing her from Lapis’s view. When she left Lapis’s field of vision Lapis turned her gaze to instead watch the grass, dancing in a soft breeze along the edges of the lake for a long while. She couldn’t help but feel all the greater when she realized just how green it all was.

As much as the world outside was still all too cold the beginnings of spring were firmly taking hold. The days were becoming longer, the insufferable four thirty sunsets were being pushed back to five and then five fifteen and the five thirty, the snow, now completely melted save for the lonesome patch in an ever shady part of the world, had not returned in a long enough time that Lapis felt comfortable swapping her boots for sneakers and her heavy gloves for a thinner, less obstructing pair. Winter was finally ending and Lapis already found herself feeling better just acknowledging that simple fact.

The sight of the world, as entrancing as it was, couldn’t keep Lapis’s attention for much longer than a half hour, however, and when she finally bored she turned away from the large windows to instead wander back behind her counter. As she went, taking slow steps across the white tile floors, she was surprised to find the optimistic feeling did not disappear entirely.

It had faded to an extent, its vivid brightness flickering and floating away, yet the loss of it was not as shocking as the disappearance of her emotions usually was. There was no sharp descent into nothingness, no painful longing for the feeling she could feel a single second ago. Instead the feeling stayed, even if muted and half forgotten, and Lapis found that if she focused she could feel it a little more each time. That fact was enough to make the feeling grow all the more persistently.

**

The days until Sunday went by slowly and uncomfortably and with Lapis’s emotions shifting in time with the rotation of the days. The hopeful happiness that had floated around in her mind on Thursday began to shift slowly, instead becoming a persistent worry that once again the attempt at friendship would crash and burn at her feet. She found herself thinking more than she would have liked to, memories of the past days and daydreams of new disastrous meetings plaguing her mind far too frequently. In wake of the new, unpleasant worries, Lapis had tried to pull out the hopeful feeling of days before, urge it to come forward and back out, but it was impossibly hard, it’s bubbly brightness all but replaced by her flustered worries. Yet even with the gradual increase of anxieties, by the time Sunday morning had arrived Lapis was more nervous than she ever could have foresaw.

Peridot and herself had decided to meet halfway, in the parking lot of the closed cafe at five in the afternoon that Sunday and Lapis found her heart pounding rapidly behind her chest as she drove. The feeling swelled in her, building up as she drove down the highway, and when Lapis arrived, only three minutes late, she found her anxieties growing exponentially at the sight that awaited her. Peridot had already arrived and was looking down at her phone while she leaned her bike against a telephone pole. In a heavy mint coat and fluffy white hat she looked bundled for a snow storm and Lapis momentarily found her bright panic shift to worry that it may snow.

Yet she could hardly focus on Peridot’s attire for more than a split second as as soon as Lapis pulled into the parking her eyes shifted. Glancing up from her phone the girls made eye contact for a brief and horrifying moment; Lapis felt her heart rate spike rapidly and she took a shaky breath involuntary. Peridot looked nearly emotionless as they locked eyes, doing nothing asides from glancing up from her phone at the movement. Even at the locking of her eyes she showed no shift in this blank stare, no widening of eyes or furrow of eyebrows. Instead she was still and Lapis took another sharp inhale of breath at the sight, the unexpectedness of the stare flustering Lapis all the more.

Lapis could hardly do as much as process the oddness of the reaction before she moved her own eyes, forcing herself to focus for a brief moment to park. When she had pulled into a spot she hopped out of her car without bothering to take her keys out of the ignition, the jittery nerves coiled in her stomach forcing her to move quickly.

The air outside was cold and unforgiving. It bit at Lapis’s hands and nose as she walked over to Peridot to help her lift the green bike into the trunk of her car and by the time they had both shifted it properly into place Lapis’s fingers had begun to sting from touching the cold metal. She forced herself to focus on that rough feeling as she slammed the trunk closed. Glancing down at her hands she ran the tips of her fingers over one another as she began to walk around the car, trying her best to ignore the heavy silence the girls had found themselves in.

Yet as she hoped back into the driver’s seat, warm and cozy compared to the outside, it was hard to ignore. More so as Peridot slowly slid into the passenger seat, fumbling with her seat belt momentarily as Lapis starred. The lack of conversation, a simple ‘hello’ or a ‘how are you’ or _anything_ , was overwhelming, filling Lapis with a new, prolific burn of anxiety.

Lapis forced herself through a breath as she looked over at Peridot, whose shining green eyes were staring back at her. She looked much softer from up close, the blank stare of earlier revealing itself to be more accurately a nervous glance. She herself was breathing slowly and fiddling with her pants in a way that made it clear that she was nervous. She was simply waiting for Lapis to start, waiting for Lapis to establish the tone of their new attempt. And while Lapis didn’t want to, felt once again as if Peridot was simply waiting for Lapis to fix things without any effort of her own, she forced herself past any frustrated feelings, wishing instead to cut through some of the silence so her racing heart could calm. So, with a shaky breath and a softening of her glance at Peridot, she decided a hi was a good place to start.

“Hey,” she said, looking at Peridot for only the time it took her to say the word. As the syllable left her mouth she turned away, flustered, and began looking over her shoulder so she could start backing out of the parking lot.

Peridot took a moment to respond, silent for a few seconds before she began fumbling nervously with her words besides Lapis. She seemed surprised, as if she hadn’t expected Lapis to talk at all, and Lapis could feel wide eyes staring into the side of her head from where she had begun to inch towards the main road. It didn’t take Peridot long to organized her words, however, and before Lapis could so much as turn onto the two lane highway that ran around the cafe she let out a simple, if audibly nervous, “Hello,”.

They fell back into silence after that, both radiating anxiety, Lapis fiddling with her grip on the steering wheel, Peridot rubbing her hands back and forth across her hands. It was hard not to focus now on all the horrible possibilities, worry forcing Lapis to cycle through possible bad scenario after bad scenario.

Yet somehow Lapis found that if she focused less on Peridot and her stiff body language and more on the soft tune on the radio and comforting hum of the engine she could slowly push back the nerves. They didn’t go away exactly, they still remained bundled deep down in her chest but she could weaken them, urge them away from the forefront of her mind so she could try to think of a way to get Peridot talking.

By the time they had been driving for no longer than ten minutes along the narrow highway Lapis found that with the aided help of her diminishing nerves the air that had moments ago felt suffocatingly tense was far less so. The overwhelming bubble of nerves had decreased enough to let her glance over at Peridot and speak once more.

“How was your last class?” She asked slowly, voice wavering only slightly with the pitch of muted nerves.

Peridot hummed for a moment, rubbing a hand over pale blue jeans and biting at her lip once more while she thought, “Okay,” she eventually responded, voice soft yet more sure of itself that Lapis would have anticipated, “I had a test,”

“Oh? How do you think you did?”

**

By the time they had reached Lapis’s favorite restaurant in town, only a five minute walk from her apartment, they had cut through a hearty majority of the harsh air. The subject of their conversation, while something they were well versed in, felt different enough to make the conversation feel new. Now they were talking not about the subject matter of Peridot’s classes but the classes themselves. What her professors were like. Which ones Peridot adored and which ones she felt like she could teach better. Her classmates and the little quirks Peridot had observed in them. And in turn Lapis told about the classes she remembered taking for the brief period of time she was enrolled in university.

While the talk was by no means the same, or even comparable, to the enthusiastic rants Lapis was used to from Peridot, it was better. Peridot was still calculating, talking slowly and taking long pauses as she thought on what she should say next and how to say it. She avoided Lapis’s occasional gaze, snapping her head away to stare out the window when Lapis would glance over to look at her and she fiddled with her backpack in a clear display of nerves. But things had begun to feel normal.

It was fully unlike their attempts of before. It felt real. No longer was their meeting a manufactured attempted at recreating an unpleasant and unenjoyed past, instead it felt like they were actually starting over; like they were actually trying to fix the mistakes of the past instead of repeat them in hopes of a different outcome.

It felt in an odd way like the very day that had caused this whole mess. Just like the night she had pulled Peridot from the pompous restaurant to Denny’s, asking for the first time what Peridot did besides school. Just like entering her apartment and discovering that they had a mutual interest after all. It was refreshing. And even as Peridot scooted into the booth seat across from Lapis, fumbling over her words and ultimately coming to an awkward and abrupt silence Lapis couldn’t help but smile.

This was so much better than before.

For a moment the air did return back to the tenseness of when they had first crossed paths that day, Peridot stared at Lapis from across the table with her eyebrows crumpling in on themselves as she frowned down at the table. She narrowed her eyes as she glanced down at her little balled up hands that sat atop the table, furrowing her brow all the while. The look, so suddenly arriving after what had seemed like a great improvement, took Lapis off guard and she found herself doubting the smile that had found itself on her face. Were things better after all?

Before Lapis could do anything more than drop her smile, however, Peridot’s face shifted and as her eyes pulled up to meet Lapis’s a smile of her own, even if Lapis could see that it was forced and uncomfortable, fell upon her face. She laughed too, an awkward little chuckle that did not quite reach her eyes or properly round her chubby cheeks.

“This is going a lot better than I had expected,” she admitted, voice bashful as she toyed with her hair and avoided the gaze of Lapis’s eyes. Lapis simply nodded in response, unsure of what else to do, any remnants of her smile falling from her face even in light of the reassuring statement that fell from Peridot’s lips. That look, as momentary as it was, had reignited the worries in her chest.

The girls fell back into complete silence after that, both nervously waiting for the other to speak. Peridot’s eyes had shifted, pulling up to stare back into Lapis’s in the stiff air but neither girl made any other move. They stayed simply looking at one another for a long while. Lapis tried to push through her flustered thoughts to say something, get them back on the easy conversation of before, yet before Lapis could even begin to organize her thoughts, Peridot’s gaze shifted to look around the rest of the room and Lapis found her eyes unintentionally following.

The place was full to the brim with wonderful nicknacks. A guitar made entirely out of bottle caps and a few rusty strings hung proudly above a table, a wall opposite then was covered in license plates from every state, a stain glass portrait of Elvis hung in front of a nearby window, acting like a makeshift curtain. Wall to wall was packed with things, mostly hung on the walls or haphazardly from the ceiling. The items, placed awkwardly against another, provided a sense of character to the building that was only emphasized by the blue toned and impossibly dim lights that hung above every table. The ambience created by the physicality of the building, so stylishly cluttered with odd trinkets and relaxed with dim lights, was undeniably charming and held a special place in Lapis’s heart.

Looking at it now though, the forced vibe, Lapis found that maybe the decoration wasn’t all that special. After all, if Lapis really thought about it the place was not that different from several other bars and restaurants she had been to before. A purposefully cluttered mess of a bar with dim, fun colored lights was not as rare as Lapis had begun to think it was. Instead, Lapis realized suddenly, she had grown to love the restaurant because of the time she had spent at it.

She and Amethyst had spent countless hours here, laughing too loudly and stealing far too many salt shakers for their own good. It was their go to when they felt like heading out and Lapis had a surplus of found memories of times spent with her roommate in the building. Lapis had also come here with a group of college friends, or Lapis’s cult as Amethyst had begun to call it after they had become friends. The small group of friends she had made in her English class and her had come late at night and stayed until closing, laughing all the while and drinking far too much. She had been on a few dates here, too, and while none of them had gone particularly well they had never failed to at least be fun while there. The building was a place Lapis had always found herself able to smile at, a place where emotions tended to come a little easier, and because of that she had grown to love it, crappy food and all. Besides, she had often found herself explaining to Amethyst when she was high and urging her to go, sometimes a bad burger was better than any good burger one could have if only in the right company.

She had brought Peridot here without much thought, coming simply because it was the first place in town she thought of when they started making plans, but when she thought about it now she couldn’t help but feel glad for her decision. At the very least the many pleasant memories that surrounded the building would provide her with enough stories to try to get Peridot talking.

And so when Peridot’s gaze glanced away for the wall opposite them back to Lapis found herself talking.

“This is my favorite place in town,” Lapis started, watching Peridot’s eyes as they widened momentarily at the unexpected noise. Yet she composed herself quickly, straightening her back and glancing away for a brief moment to look back around the building as she nodded.

“Yeah?” She mumbled as she did so, staring up at a decoration hung from the ceiling. As she moved her head the blue light that hung above their table lit the glass of her glasses, hiding her eyes from Lapis behind a faded blue reflection.

Lapis smiled back halfheartedly, glad at least that Peridot had replied with words, watching as Peridot moved her head back down to look at her. The light above them highlighted her hair as she moved and it’s color, usually so dim and muted, was strikingly bright in the pale blonde of Peridot’s hair, running sharp and vibrant stripes across the top of her head. It was striking to see, more so as Peridot lightly moved her head causing wonderful glimmers of blue to dance across the top pf her hair, and Lapis was briefly distracted by the sight.

When she finally caught up with herself she pulled her eyes downward, “Yeah, my roommate and I come here all the time,”

Peridot simply nodded in response, stalling off without so much as opening her mouth to properly reply. Instead she took to looking down at her fingers while she bit at her lip, curling and uncurling her fingers awkwardly against the surface of the table all the while.

The lack of reaction was frustrating and Lapis felt her cheeks briefly flush at the sudden spike of anger that darted across her chest. She pushed it down to the best of her ability, however, and cycled through several different stories in her mind all at once, trying to pick one that might get some sort of reaction out of Peridot. Yet eventually she herself fell to silence, flustered and off balance by Peridot’s sudden and sharp retreat back into the unpleasant stiffness.

It was terribly frustrating. Just moments before Lapis had had Peridot talking freely and swiftly. It was clear that things were still uncomfortable, Peridot was still hurt and Lapis still unsure of her full range of feelings, yet they had been talking normally. It had felt right. Yet all at once they had fallen back in a sharp retreat, silent save for Lapis’s frustrated breathing.

As they sat, both avoiding looking at the other in favor of looking down at the table, Lapis found that the feeling was flimsy, however, and it was quickly pushed to the side by a new one. A glance upwards, hoping that perhaps Peridot would be looking at her and was ready to speak, only proved to reveal the glossiness of Peridot’s eyes, shining a muted blue behind her glasses. The sigh caused the hot anger to crumbled away in her chest. Instead a spike of hurt, sharp and unpleasant replaced it, only strengthening as she recalled a fact that she had found comforting up until that moment.

They had decided this was their last attempt. If this went well, they had agreed over text, then they would keep working through, keeping taking strides to fix the broken relationship. But if things didn’t go well they must not be ready to be friends again. The decision had seemed reasonable, had relieved some of Lapis’s boundless anxieties at the time of their decision, yet now, sitting in front of Peridot whose eyebrows had fallen downwards and lip had begun to pout slightly, Lapis couldn’t help but feel her heart rate spike at the thought.

She had felt like things were getting better. Things surely _had_ gone better than the days before already. Yet right now, in the heavy silence in which Peridot looked like she was back at square one, eyes scrunched shut tightly as she took heavy breaths in a blatant attempt to calm herself away from crying, it felt somehow worse than before. Worse because they had momentarily achieved some kind of peace. Worse because it felt as if they might not ever see each other again. Worse because suddenly Peridot actually hiccuped into her hands, trying to hide her face as she let out a few choked sobs.

It took Lapis a moment to snap away from her thoughts and process what was happening, lost in thought, but when she did she found herself standing up almost instantly. With a swift movement she weaved her way around the table and scooted into Peridot’s side of the booth, bumping her with her hips.

“It’s alright,” Lapis found herself whispering before Peridot could so much as begin the fumbling apology that fell from her lips, stuttering and weak from the tears that fell from her eyes.

“I didn’t think I would cry any more,” Peridot whined, leaning into Lapis and gripping tightly at her back as she took heavy breaths, cutting off what she could of the tears that had not yet fallen from her eyes.

Lapis sighed, feeling overwhelmed with too many conflicted emotions to process, but ran a hand across Peridot’s back regardless.

Luckily, Peridot seemed to calm easily, slowing her breathing and stopping her whimpering quickly as Lapis tucked her head under her chin and ran circles across her lower back. Slowly Peridot gathered herself until she had finally calmed enough to pull back, avoiding Lapis’s gaze as she rubbed the last of the waterworks away with her hands.

“I’m sorry,” she whispered, voice shaky and pitiful as she stared down at herself, her hands curled on her face.

“It’s okay,” Lapis forced out, taking a slow breath so as to soften the tone of her voice and push down the swell of frustration that had begun to bubble in her chest, “Are you okay?”

Peridot nodded slowly, “I promise I’m done crying about this now,”

Lapis swallowed, doubting the promise to a degree but deciding against saying anything more. She instead moved back across the table, taking her own side of the booth once more. As she sat she found herself running a hand through her hair, exasperated and angry that Peridot was once again falling apart at the seams and waiting for Lapis to fix it.

Peridot huffed her own sigh, looking down at her hands with a disdainful look on her face.

“I’m really sorry,” she huffed out, voice sounding surprisingly sure of itself considering she had just been crying, “I wanted this time to be better,”

Lapis looked up at that, glancing away from Peridot’s hands up to her face, and to her surprise Peridot was already looking at her. Her expression was hard, eyebrows quirked down in a clear expression of frustration, but Lapis could tell from the way she spoke and held herself that it wasn’t at Lapis.

And Lapis, staring into those soft green eyes, realized with a softening sensation in her mind that it was Peridot who had prompted this. Even if it was just another apology, it felt for the first time as if Peridot was really trying and not hiding behind her fragile emotions. Strong suited and somewhat put together it finally felt like Peridot was ready to move on.

“Well, it has been so far,” Lapis stated, voice slow as she spoke, “We’ve had at least one normal conversation already,”

Peridot stared back at that, simply looking before her eyes fell down once more, “But I ruined it,” she replied slowly, pitch and confidence dropping off as she frowned down on herself.

“Not forever,” Lapis interjected, reaching across the table to take a pale hand in her own, “We’ve already made progress since last time we tried and we both want to fix things. We can get back on track,”

Peridot stared down at Lapis’s hand for a moment, expression softening as she thought for a moment, “You sure?”

Lapis nodded, smiling softly up at the pretty green that had glanced back up at her, “We just need something to talk about,”

Peridot smiled back, weak and unsure of herself but smiling nonetheless, and opened her mouth to reply. Yet, before she could so much as utter a word a frumpy looking waitress came dashing towards them, bringing two water glasses and a crumpled notebook with her.

“Sorry for the wait,” she mumbled half heartedly, setting down the glasses in front of the girls before flipping about in her notebook, “May I take your order?”

Neither Lapis or Peridot had even looked at the menu by the time the waitress had come, and Peridot, flustered and taken off guard, looked down at the table to scramble to find something to eat before she came to an abrupt halt. Neither of them had even been given a menu in the first place.

Lapis couldn’t help but laugh at the animated look on Peridot’s face upon her realization, pulling her out of what little remaining unpleasantries floated about in her chest. With ridiculously wide eyes and eyebrows floating high above them Peridot looked up at Lapis, turning to her for help. Luckily Lapis knew the menu well enough to order for both of them, “We’ll just have two plain burgers,” she smiled through the phrase, voice low as she glanced back at the unaffected waitress.

The woman left as she wrote, nodding dumbly to herself as she walked away, before Peridot could do so much as stutter her confusion.

“I never got a menu!” She eventually squeaked, calling out despite the fact that their server was long gone.

Lapis merely laughed, thoroughly amused at Peridot’s wild look of confusion and distinctively characterful squeak, “Trust me, you don’t want anything else they serve here,”

Luckily, the menu fiasco failed to fluster Peridot and only seemed to amuse her as much as her initial reaction had amused Lapis.

“They didn’t give me a menu!” She repeated to Lapis, laughing with wide eyes as she stared at her.

Lapis laughed back, glad to see Peridot acting so lively, “Honestly I wouldn’t be surprised to find out they don’t have any anymore. It’s not like people get anything other than burgers and beer,”

Peridot’s eyes went all the wider at that, and she smiled despite herself, “And this is your favorite restaurant?” she asked, laughing breathily all the while.

“Hey,” Lapis started, a wide smile of her own settling on her face, “I said it was my favorite, I never said it was _good_ ,”

Peridot only laughed again, shock widening her eyes and forcing her to shake her head.

**

Things had flip-flopped nearly as quickly as they had become bad in the first place. All of the sudden Peridot and Lapis were talking again, so freely and quickly it was as if they had never stopped in the first place. And Peridot, for the first time in what felt like forever, was so surprised by something that she was finally as fully animated as she had once been.

She found the situation bewildering, hilarious, and for a long while she ran over it to herself, laughing so hard she ended up wheezing. Lapis herself failed to find the situation all that funny, humorous sure but not funny enough to make her laugh like Peridot was, instead what had her truly laughing enough to snort was Peridot and her over the top reactions. Her wheezing laugh as she folded in upon herself atop the table, silently laughing with her eyes squeezed shut until she eventually let out a squeaky breath of a laugh.

Seeing Peridot react so over the top made Lapis laugh until her sides hurt and her eyes water. Yet she slowly began to cool down, slow down from the hysterical laughing to simply giggle, smile remarkably wide across her face as she watched Peridot. As funny as Peridot’s laugh was, squeaky and high pitched through gasping breaths, Lapis couldn’t help but feel calmly elevated at the fact that she simply was properly laughing. No longer did she fumble her way through a forced, uncomfortable laugh behind the guard of hurt emotions and worry. It felt incredible to see her like that, see Peridot being back to herself for the first time in weeks.

Crying laughing over something funny but altogether minor was so undoubtedly _Peridot_ that Lapis found her chest beaming with an overwhelming glow of happiness.

It took longer than Lapis wild have expected for Peridot to calm. She wondered briefly if it was because she had been so down lately that when she finally did laugh it was so long and hard. Even when Peridot finally managed to speak to Lapis again she did so through giddy and loud laughs, “Why is this your favorite place?”

Lapis chuckled back in response, smirking across the table at Peridot who had managed to stop laughing but whose wide smile had not yet fallen from her cheeks. It sat proudly atop her face, wide and bright, and Lapis felt herself mirroring in wake of the it.

“It’s not the place itself,” Lapis spoke through her smile, “it’s the memories,”

And so, when Peridot looked at her expectantly with a goofy smile on her face, Lapis began to tell stories, running her tongue and getting excitable Peridot laughing all the more. She told Peridot about the first time she had come here, with Amethyst a mere hour or so before closing. It was the first time they had properly hung out as friends and Lapis found herself laughing all too loudly. Her volume only edged Amethyst on and before long they were shouting at each other, screaming their stories and jokes across the table and wholly bothering the tired and exasperated staff. She told of the time she came with a college club, just a month or so after she had joined, and a month or so before she would drop out of school altogether. They had come after a club meeting and Lapis had had her first good night in months then, although she hadn’t told Peridot that part, laughing and drinking for hours before she went home to an empty apartment.

Peridot followed in Lapis’s example as her stories came to a close, laughing giddily all the while as she began her own story.

“There was a place like this in my hometown,” she giggled as she started, smile wide as she stared down at the table below her, tracing her fingers across the reflection of the light above them in the shiny table top, “My choir decided to come after our last concert of my senior year and we stayed until they kicked us out,” she smiled, calming from her laughing to merely look off with a nostalgic smile on her face, “I never did things like that so I was exhausted but it was so much fun,”

Lapis merely laughed in response, raising an eyebrow as she smirked in response, “You did choir?”

Peridot fumbled for a moment, eyes going wide for a brief moment as she looked up at Lapis, but in a split second the expression was replaced and a smirking smile instead fell upon Peridot’s face, “Obviously,” she chuckled, dropping her tone with sarcasm as she waved a hand in front of her, “They needed my impeccable skills to keep up with any of the other schools,”

**

By the time their matching burgers arrived, frumpy and squished looking, Lapis had all but forgotten Peridot had even cried in the first place. They had picked back up so quickly and with such enthusiasm that Lapis wouldn’t have believed it _had_ she remembered. The atmosphere now was too good, too incredibly positive as Peridot finally began to feel like herself again, that she wouldn’t have believed that things had felt so tense a mere half hour before. Now, in light of Peridot’s bubbly smile and bright energy, Lapis was euphoric. Floating. Giddy enough to snort-laugh at every little thing Peridot said.

They were clearly drunk on endorphins and obviously making a scene but Lapis couldn’t be bothered to care. Not with how good she felt. Not with how incredibly warm her chest felt. It was better than any conversation they had ever had before by a long shot. Lapis couldn’t stress it enough in her mind.

It was a complete turn around from the past few days, a shocking change from the uncomfortable, silence filled attempts at reconciliation of before. It was like the place was magic. It had the power to give Lapis so many good memories. It helped things feel natural and good between her and Peridot. And while the thought made Lapis smile all the more she couldn’t help but shake her head in dismissal at the childish thought. Besides, it was better to think that things simply worked themselves out. That she and Peridot had worked through it to get here.

Either way Lapis couldn’t believe how quickly things had changed for the better and for a moment she questioned the reality of the situation at all.

But those frumpy burgers, dry and burnt, brought her back to reality. Both girls calmed as the waitress returned, her cold stare and lazy grip on the two plates held in her hands reminding them that they were in public and they stopped their giggling as she approached. The woman put the plates down roughly, sliding them across the surface of the table to both girls simultaneously before she pulled her little paper notepad back out from her apron pocket with a roll of her eyes. She huffed a breath as she did so, an uninterested statement of, “I forgot to ask if you wanted drinks,” falling from her lips.

Peridot choked at that, a loud squeak of a laugh falling from her lips as her eyes widened. Lapis thought for a moment that she would fall back into a fit of laughing but instead she merely giggled under her breath and tossed a soggy fry into her mouth, the movement sharp and quick as she let Lapis order again, probably not without a fully amused thought to herself of ‘no menu!’.

An order of two Shirley Temples and the disappearance of their subpar waitress later Peridot giggled a bit more audibly, tossing another fry into her smiling mouth all the while.

“This place has impeccable service,”

Lapis giggled at that herself, smiling at the continued joke of before. Peridot’s laugh followed, giddy and spurred on by Lapis’s positive reaction, but this time it lasted no longer than a few seconds. The excited sound died away rather quickly and the girls fell into a brief silence during which Peridot picked away at her fries and Lapis started on her burger. Yet despite the sudden halt in conversation Lapis couldn’t help but acknowledge just how different things felt than they had a half an hour before when they had been in the same situation. The silence now was not tense with the worry of what Peridot was thinking and nerve wracking with what she herself should say and insufferable because of all the things that could go wrong. Instead it felt reminiscent to a night with Amethyst. Reminiscent the wonderful times spent here with close friends. Comfortable. Completely unlike the horribly nerve inducing time spent with Peridot days before.

It was Peridot who commented on it first, following the re-arrival and disappearance of their waitress. She swirled at her newly acquired drink, the fizzy pink liquid threatening to spill over the edge of the glass before she took the plastic straw in her lips, speaking as she finished a slow drink.

“This is going better than I ever could have imagined it,” she muttered, catching Lapis’s eye for the first time in a few minutes as she chewed on the end of her plastic straw.

Lapis smiled in response, putting down her burger as she did so, “And all we need was the threat of never talking again,”

Peridot laughed again, weakly but shining through as true from the way it met her eyes, “Don’t forget me crying again,”

**

Despite the undoubtedly lifted atmosphere, the incredible euphoria they had managed to achieve didn’t persistently last throughout their entire time at the restaurant. Throughout the rest of the time they did have a few minutes where they fell back into a wholly uncomfortable and tense silence, briefly and suddenly spurred on by Peridot mid sentence only for her to apologize roughly a few minutes later, picking the conversation back up where it had fallen. But overall things continued to sail smoothly. While the girls has calmed down, not laughing as dramatically or wholeheartedly as before, things still felt good. Their conversations continued with relative ease and Lapis could see that on the few occasions she could tell Peridot was feeling anxious all over again she could coax it away with a joke or a story.

And by the time they had left neither girl could talk about much other than how surprised they were.

They girls had, on Peridot’s request, stopped at a nearby park following their leave, and they had made a beeline for the swings upon their arrival, Peridot giggling as she ran over to them and Lapis half jogging behind her, smiling loosely at the sight. As they sat the metal of the set squeaked loudly, rusted and old, and the swings only seemed to grow louder as the pair began to swing loosely side by side. The metal was cold in Lapis’s fingers in the nighttime air, an unpleasant and sharp sensation where her fingers curled around the silver chains, but she found overall she felt warm and comfortable. It was a calm and pleasant warmth, centered in her chest that only seemed to grow when Lapis let go of the cold chain, placing her numb fingers atop her thighs instead. The feeling swelled, radiating in her chest and making Lapis smile lazily at Peridot, watching her as they sat.

She swung loosely besides Lapis, holding onto the metal with gloves she had stored in her coat pocket until now, dragging her feet on the ground as she spoke all the while.

“I never thought that would have gone so well,” she spoke slowly, her voice soft and calm through her half hearted smile. She stopped swinging as she spoke, dragging her heels across the ground to slow herself, and Lapis had followed. As they sat in the cool quiet of night Lapis watched Peridot rub her feet in circles in the wood below her, tracing patterns where she pushed the wood away to reveal the dirt beneath.

Lapis nodded in response after a moment, looking up into Peridot’s face as she did so. It was slightly hard to see in the dark but a nearby lamppost made it so that Lapis could make out the features of her face. Her cheeks were slightly flushed from the cold, the pink standing out against her fair skin, and her eyes reflected the dim light of the street post, highlighting the green with little specks of gold. She stared down at her feet, a soft nearly indistinguishable smile resting pleasantly atop her face.

“Yeah,” Lapis eventually spoke up, realizing Peridot had not seen her nod. Peridot’s eyes slowly made their way up following the noise and when Lapis spoke again she did so staring into Peridot’s eyes, “I was hoping it would go better than before but,” she trailed off, letting the phrase come to an incomplete close with a puff of breath.

“This went really well,” Peridot finished for Lapis after a moment, staring up at her with wide eyes and a soft smile.

Lapis smiled back at her with another nod of her head, “Yeah,”

It was still for a moment, Peridot’s eyes slowly shifting away to instead look out to the field that lay in front of them. Lapis found her own eyes following, gazing out into the open grass. It was impossible to see any significant distance in the dark but Lapis found herself able to clearly recognize the pale stripes of green that grew just past the edge of the playground, separated from the wood chips and not yet trampled by children.

Peridot’s voice eventually broke through the silence, cutting through the stillness with a near whisper and distracting Lapis from the few blades of grass she could clearly see, after a long moment.

“I honestly thought this would be worse than all the other times,”

Lapis turned to look at her, taken back by the words she glanced up with wide eyes, expecting to meet Peridot’s gaze, but instead Peridot simply stayed looking out at the field, her face oddly expressionless. Lapis gave her a moment to elaborate, pausing while she waited for the other to speak once more, but after a short moment and a cold puff of wind Lapis spoke up herself.

“Really?” whispered back, leaning forward on the swing as she spoke softly into the cold air.

Peridot nodded, a sad little smile solidifying its place on her face as she glanced down to her thighs where one of her hands ran circles across the fabric of her jeans.

“I was worried I would mess up again and you would just get more mad at me,” Peridot spoke slowly, still avoiding meeting Lapis’s gaze, “I assumed we really _would_ never talk again,”

The words sat heavily in the air after Peridot finished, weighing down on Lapis as their meaning sunk in. Lapis was surprised Peridot even agreed to this if she had expected things to go so horribly wrong. Yet when Lapis thought back she realized that maybe she had felt that way too. Lost in thought Lapis’s gaze finally shifted away from Peridot’s face and slowly her eyes fell, unfocused to the ground.

“But I’m glad that didn’t happen,” Peridot eventually added, voice a bit louder and higher in pitch. The sudden shift, Peridot’s much more optimistic tone cutting through the heavy silence, caught Lapis off guard and she found her eyes shifting up to meet Peridot’s gaze as soon as she had heard it. Yet when she moved past the surprise of having heard her words Lapis realized that the quick and sharp interjection felt a bit like a correction, as if Peridot had never meant to speak in the first place, “I’m really glad things went the way they did,”

She smiled brightly at Lapis, eyes wide and eyebrows raised as she spoke. Lapis couldn’t help but notice that the smile looked forced, the look clearly an apology for making things awkward, but all the same the smile reached her eyes and held a sense of genuine emotion. Even if the smile was exaggerated to emphasize her point there was no comparing it to the fully forced and unconvincing few smiles she had pulled out the days before. It was that knowledge that caused Lapis to smile back, soft and muted as she stared up at Peridot.

“Me too,” was all Lapis could manage back, a soft whisper into the cold air.

Peridot smiled again, all the more genuine as she looked up at the stars above her head. Lapis followed, slowly trailing her head up to look at the night sky.

It wasn’t as marvelous as it was at the cafe, where the lack of nearby light made each an every star shine proud and triumphant, but it was remarkable all the same. The sky was a rich blue, so incredibly dark it was almost indistinguishable in its hue. The soft twinkle of the stars highlighted the near black sky, flickering slightly from so many lightyears away. It was a remarkable sight and Lapis felt content staring up at the cosmos.

A wind rushed by, fluttering against Lapis’s cheeks for a moment before fading away, leaving Lapis’s hair disheveled and her person a bit colder. As the gust calmed Lapis shivered, and dropping her head she heard the bustle of the small city from behind her in its absence, the persistent honking of a car providing a jarring interruption from the near silence. Yet Lapis found that the abrasive sound didn’t do much to dissuade the peacefulness of the moment, even as distracting and obstructing as it was. It faded away nearly as quickly as it had come, leaving the girls back in a still silence that was only broken when Peridot let out a heavy sigh.

“I’m really sorry again for everything that happened that night,” she eventually spoke, whispering out in front of her as her eyes remained unchanging, staring up at the stars.

The words hung in the air for a moment, sitting in the still air above them. As the world faded back to silence Lapis found herself surprised that Peridot had sounded so calm when she spoke, her voice unwavering and soft. It held no threat of tears, no anxieties. The lazy peace that floated in her tone didn’t quite match the connotation of her words, didn’t quite match the fact that she was apologizing for something they both still found painful, but Lapis found herself comforted by the fact. It made the presence of the words a little less flustering.

And sitting there, watching as Peridot’s gaze slowly fell from the sky to look back at her, Lapis found herself rushed with another wave of happiness. She never could have anticipated things going this well. She never could have anticipated that she would leave feeling this pleasant after spending the day with Peridot. And in the moment she felt herself relax and let go of the bubble of anger she had been holding onto since that night weeks ago.

“I forgive you,” Lapis whispered, voice as soft and calm as she could muster as she watched Peridot’s green eyes widen in surprise.

“You,” Peridot started, eyes blinking rapidly as she fumbled over the word. Leaning back in her seat she was suddenly wildly alive with an energy wholly absent just moments before; she almost moved too quickly for Lapis to keep up, her movement so contrasting the cool peace of moments before. Her eyes glanced around her rapidly as she collected her thoughts, stuttering all the while, only making her feel all the more animated, “I don’t think I deserve that,” she eventually decided on, voice breathy and flustered as she spoke.

Lapis breathed heavily at that, awakened from the rush of the moment by Peridot’s stuttered responses and she took a moment to look back out in front of her to think. When she thought back she couldn’t say that she had really forgiven Peridot completely, she was still upset and didn’t think she could ever drop the hot and unpleasant feelings that resided in her chest, but after so long of feeling anxious and angry and so many other things over the situation Lapis was tired of being mad.

“I’m still upset with you for what happened,” she eventually spoke, voice soft and slow as she tried to both explain herself and calm Peridot, “but I’m ready to move on, and as much as I hate to admit it,” she chuckled, pulling a smile out as she finished, “I’ve really missed you,”

Peridot went silent for a moment, letting the soft emptiness of the world around them fill the air once more.

When she spoke again, however, it was through a wide, teary eyed, smile, “Really?”

Lapis laughed in response, chest swelling with the warm glow of happiness as Peridot smiled at her, wide eyes shining with the gloss of happy tears.

She nodded.

Peridot giggled to herself for a moment, cackling giddily to herself as she held her face in her hands and kicked her feet. Lapis couldn’t help but laugh loudly at the childish display, watching Peridot with a wide smile the whole while.

When Peridot finally did calm, rocking slightly on the swing with her newfound energy and smiling unbelievably widely, Lapis spoke again.

“I’m glad we started over,”

Peridot smiled back, big, ecstatic, and undoubtedly real, “Me too,”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had so much fun writing this chapter! The restaurant they go to is 100% based off one in my town and I had a lot of fun writing it!   
> But anyways! Thank you as always for reading! Please please please leave me a comment! And have a great day!


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